Sick with worry

Tyrone_Black

We've all been stupid and we all had to face looking at the accounts we were so afraid of once.

The one thing that we probably all wish together is that we'd started earlier... Log in, face up to it, probably cry, then post it on here so you can start making it better.

sourcrates

Hi OP,


It seems your a bit time poor here, and needing a solution pretty quick.
Do you own a property, or are you a joint owner ?


How much, roughly, do you owe ?


less than 20k, or more ?

jazza6

Hi sourcrates.....The house is n my husband's name only. I think the total, off the top of my head, would be around 20k.

Karonher

Do you have to retire at 65? Could you manage another year or so, or if the company wont allow it could you find something else that will give more money for a while?

If you could it give you more than 3 years to sort things out.

jazza6

Hi Karonher - yes I will continue to work for as long as I possibly can. Sure, I would love to retire but I need to get this mess sorted out and not let my husband know or suffer for my problems I've solely created. Not sure what the situation is with my work but I will ask. I've been looking for over a year now for a job that pays more and believe me, where I stay, there are no higher wages for what I do.

pmlindyloo

The main problem here is your relationship with your husband.

The debts can be dealt with one way or another.

You are going to have to tell your husband - I do not believe that you can carry on like this, both from the debt point of view and from your health point of view.

Whatever the outcome of your telling him there will always be options for you whether this means splitting up or staying together.

Personally I think it is best if you prepare a plan before you tell him.

Some suggestions:

1. Visit the doctor and see if he can help with your compulsive spending. There may be some therapy available. In other words, show your husband that you realise you have a problem and are seeking help for it.

2. Ask your husband to take control of all the finances from now on. Your earnings go into the joint bank account and he gives you money for food (ie. housekeeping money). This goes entirely against my personal views of how finances should be worked out in a partnership but in this case makes perfect sense.

3. Ask your husband to work with you to see how this money can be paid back. Once you know what you owe do a SOA (as already advised), show it to your husband and work together to get your expenditure as low as possible.

4. Follow all the advice on this forum about saving money and work with your husband to achieve this.

5. Get ebaying and see how much you can make and put this money into a joint account.

and finally,

6. Make your husband aware that you will make sacrifices to pay this debt. No new clothes etc etc. Make sure he understands that you do not want him to suffer and he does not have to make any sacrifices if he doesn't wish to.

Once you have made the decision to tell your OH you will feel relief. Whatever the outcome you will then deal with it one way or another.

jazza6

Malcnascar - thank you so much...I'll have a look here.

pmlindyloo thank you also for your very full answer. I think telling my husband would result in us splitting up really - he's been down that route before with me and said he would never do it again. I agree I should definitely put a plan of action in hand and I'm making an appointment to go and see GP this week if there are any appointments. I know I would feel relief telling my OH but he is a real worrier and it means I'm offloading my worries to him when he didn't ask or know about them. I'm going to have a lot to think about just now but thanks again for your support.

Nargleblast

It is better the news comes from you rather than your husband finding a load of threatening letters from creditors. Before you tell him you need to have a complete breakdown of what you owe, a Statement of Affairs will help give a clear picture. You then need to work out how you are going to tackle it, so you can demonstrate to him that you are determined to solve the matter. Don't presume you know what his reaction will be, he may have been worrying about you for some time (thinking you have another bloke, or some terminal illness you are not telling him about, for example) - hearing the truth might be a relief for him in some strange way!

Whether he reacts in a good way or not, at least there will be openness and honesty, which is a good start to solving any problem.

You need to identify what is driving you to spend compulsively, and try to address that root cause.

For practical advice and support in tackling the debts, go and read the DMP and Mutual Support thread, Sazzie's post near the beginning is excellent.

sourcrates

jazza6 wrote: »

Hi sourcrates.....The house is n my husband's name only. I think the total, off the top of my head, would be around 20k.

Ah, ok, you do have options then.

As you are approaching retirement age, a DMP is not going to be suitable for you, as it would take far too long to complete.

Advice about selling stuff on eBay, although given with the best intentions, is not going to help you much, with 20k of debt to shift.
As you are not technically a home owner, you have two realistic options for dealing with this, they are :

Bankruptcy, (not that scary these days) or Debt relief order.


Bankruptcy would be the easiest solution, as all your debts can be included, and as long as you can muster the fee together, currently £705.00, you are in basically, after 12 months your debts are wiped, and you are discharged, you may have to pay into your arrangement for up to 3 years, (IPA) dependant on your income.


A DRO has more rigid acceptance criteria, you have to have less than 20k of debt, no assets, not be a homeowner, and not have a car worth more than 1k, you also have to have £50 or less left at the end of the month in order to qualify, the fee for a DRO is currently £90.
You make no payments, and after one year you are discharged, and your debts are wiped.
Can be set up within a week or so.


Info on both options here :


https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/debt-solutions/bankruptcy-2/


https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/debt-solutions/debt-relief-orders/


Both options allow you to start afresh after 12 months, you don't have to tell your husband either, so realistically you need to choose one or the other, if you don't, you will be repaying these debts well into your 70`s, however, as you are not a homeowner, there isn't an awful lot your creditors could do if you didn't pay, but there would be a lot of aggravation to deal with, so the options are there, its up to you to decide how to progress.

moneycantbuyyouhappiness

Hi Jaz

Alot of the things you have said have really resonated with how I was feeling at the start of my journey. I hid my debts from my partner. The guilt eats away at you more than the debt. I was pushing my partner away without even realising it. The deceit and debt was making me very poorly.

In the end he found out I still didn't have the courage to tell him and although he was very disappointed and hurt over time he has come around. Now having his support has made such a difference.

If you do end up splitting up (I'm sure it won't come to that) what have you lost when your in such a desperate situation you would dissappear anyway. The lying and hiding is more of an issue than the debt and my partner was more hurt that I was hiding that from him. Best of luck with everything