2016 - a year of change

lulabelle

between the boy and I spent another £50ish on food shopping. Total for the week came to just over £76 each. Budget was £75 so not too bad but wish it was better. Oh, actually, scrap that, we just spent another £5.58 on some stuff for me to make a victoria sponge this afternoon! We really do need to start shopping smarter.

Stayed in last night, no booze and boy made this greek filo pie thing which was amazing! We watched a dvd we already had so cheap night in. I had made a sticky gingerbread traybake yesterday which was sooooooo good so took leftovers of that and the filo pie thing to boy's mums for lunch today - gobbled up by his sister and brother in law and their kids so that was good.

This afternoon (when my butter has softened) am going to make a mary berry classic victoria sponge though not making own jam. The boy thinks I should be aiming for bake off in a couple of years (as do some friends). I am useless at arts/crafts and stuff (wish I was good) but good at baking, though I don't know the classics or the art of baking, so want to learn all of that first.

Then tonight is just pizza. We were going to go out for dinner given that we couldn't go away but have decided to save the money and stay in. I want a bath and an early night.

This week I have to write a chapter for a legal textbook which I am not looking forward to. I have to say, I still don't enjoy what I am doing. I hate law and I hate lawyers, they are parasites, but I need a job, especially if we are buying a house and if we have kids, this job would work really well as can change my hours/work from home for some of the time. So have to keep thinking of that.

Weds night I have a lecture thing (which is actually all afternoon) with drinks and canap!s after but think I'll drive so I am not tempted to booze. The boy is out with work and clients thurs night for a posh meal so have the house to myself. Think we will try to have a quiet weekend - nothing planned friday night and then at the boy's mum's on saturday night for bonfire night. Said I'd make cake.

So that's it really. Another expensive week despite having been poorly and must try to curb the shopping a little! Sent one of my girlie friends I've kind of not seen for ages a message yesterday saying can we hang out again as I miss her and feel disconnected. She feels exactly the same so we are plotting to hang out soon (she is currently away with work) which is good.

I think I just need to adopt a more positive attitude and make an effort with people even if they don't back and focus on baking as a hobby to be able to deal with the harsh reality of life in the law (which is an evil profession)

lulabelle

sat here not wanting to go to work. This job is much better than the last one (as less stressful, no clients, no court and not as many hours) but it is still law. It is still dealing with the law and a law firm. I just don't know what to do. I honestly do not think I can do this for the rest of my working life. But we are buying a house and want a child and it's not like I can put having a baby on hold because of my age.

And we cannot stay in this house if we are having a child. It has no parking and is difficult to get to access wise so would be a nighmare with pram, buggy, car seat etc. Plus it's just not big enough so we have to move.

I already feel guilt that I only work 4 days a week when the boy works 5 so I can't then quit as well. I am just sick of waking up on a monday morning feeling like this. I just think lawyers are parasites

lulabelle

today wasn't too bad in the end. I got through it. Just feel like there is a lot of work and I never really get anywhere as spend most of my time thinking how much I hate law rather than applying self to job. Maybe if I apply myself and focus on the tasks in hand I will feel better about it.

Spent £1.79 on some peppercorns (as we had run out) and a bag of crisps as was hungry. Nipped out around 330 to get those rather than going out in lunch hour and potentially spending more.

Had an amazing lunch from stores, cold butternut squash which had been roasted in olive oil, salt and chilli flakes, then with feta, radish, tomato, cucumber and spinach. Was divine. The boy is making a chicken and mushroom soup risotto from stores.

Hoping this week will go quickly.

Appears to be some progress on the leasehold - the freeholders surveyor has made contact with mine and is now speaking to her. So hoping we can get it wrapped up soon. Though will be 40k or more out of my pocket. Not happy about that but it HAS to be done.

lulabelle

slept so deeply last night. had very bizarre dreams. Don't want to go t work. But have made a plan of what I need to work on today so just going to try to focus on that. We need milk which I'll get on the way home. Other than that, hoping to avoid spending. Have same lunch as yesterday from stores plus leftover victoria sponge. Tonight is a zatar chicken salad from stores also, plus yoghurts from stores.

Tomorrow have a team meeting at lunch so lunch will be free (and is normally lovely - not the usual soggy sardines), then a lecture thing which has afternoon tea and champagne/canapes after. Not staying after so will drive there and back. Wanting to avoid drinking for as long as poss to try to get health back on track so will come home and cook from stores.

Just wish I could find something I enjoyed doing as a job, but then, how many people are that lucky?!

lulabelle

didn't manage to avoid spending. Needed to pay postage of 43p. But that came out of spare change I had in my purse so that was fine. However, spent £80 on my perfume on way home. The boy had bought me a bottle last xmas (35ml) which I opened in Feb and has lasted me to now. I bought 100ml as I wear it every day and love it (coco chanel mademoiselle) and it was £80 for 100ml or £57 for 50ml so figured the 100ml was the best option. So shouldn't need to buy any for a long time. But still rankles. Suppose I could've held on until xmas but that's another 8 weeks and would be 8 weeks without perfume I like.

Work was ok. Felt like I made some inroads today in something difficult I've been asked to write. And wrote an article for a client briefing and sent to one of bosses so hoping that's ok. My boss in my office loves my articles and rarely changes them but my boss in the other office takes rather an editorial knife to what I write - guess it's just a case of getting used to his style.

Tomorrow have team meeting then a lecture thing so only about 3.5 hours of actual working.

Waiting for boy to get home to help with dinner. We have booked to go out next wednesday for a relatively cheap (£15 for 2 courses) dinner so am looking forward to that. Plus it's complimentary sparkling water and I won't drink so should be a relatively cheap night depending on if the boy wants to drink or not.

Day 10 with no booze now - aiming to do a lot longer!

lulabelle

wednesday our team meeting was cancelled but too late to cancel the lunch ordered so had free lunch. Went to lecture and drove, left early to avoid the drinks and the boy cooked steaks and sweet potato wedges from stores. Yesterday took lunch from stores but had to get a ready meal on way home (£3.99) and also needed butter for cake have to make for bonfire night. Wilted and also got a box of double peanut magnums so that was £6 something but halved as "house food" so split with the boy.

Last 2 days at work were not that bad and of course I'm off today as don't work on fridays. I just feel I'm not motivated, and I can't work out if its because I'm not passionate about the law or if it's because I hate lawyers. Also had some bad news weds, the girl I share an office with (and who is in my team) is leaving. Am gutted as she is one of the only things making it bearable - we have such a laugh and nice chats.

There is a work lunch today for 2 people who are leaving. Not sure whether to go. Not sure whether it's paid for by work. Know that they are ordering bubbles for us and paying for those (but I am avoiding drinking!) but I don't really want to be paying for an expensive lunch. Plus, I want to try and get my head down on my book today. Told them monday I couldn't make it as I had a viewing of a house (which was true) but we have had to move that to tomorrow now anyway as the boy has a board meeting today.

Tonight we are to cinema then take away pizza - so cheap night plus no booze. Tomorrow we are to b&q for paint to start our room and big shop. Plus to his mum's tomorrow night for bonfire which is good as I will drive and cheap night - I just have to make a cake for it.

lulabelle

i know I should get over it (maybe I need some therapy) but I am still SO ANGRY about how they treated me in my previous job and the effects it has had on me. I am also very angry at myself for putting up with it for so long and not escaping. I remember in the MIDDLE of that 4 week trial 2 years ago, my horrible boss trying to get me to take over the ENTIRE TRIAL and cross examination because he said he had too much else on. That trial had been fixed in the diary for months. He went and purposely booked a 3 week holiday just before it (getting back the day before) leaving me in the complete !!!! to do all the prep and then (and I reckon its because he knew at that point we were going to lose and also couldn't see any more money in it) he tried to guilt trip me into doing the cross-examination at the last minute as he said " I could really do with you doing this as I need to concentrate on case X" (he had just got a new very high profile case in and could obviously see a lot of money in it). I mean, who does that to their clients (and employees) in the middle of a trial?!!!!

Then it was me who ended up feeling guilty and stressed because he made me feel I wasn't helping like I should. Then they give me a minimal pay rise and no bonus despite working myself into the ground, then go and give someone who hadn't even billed 2 times her salary (so was an expense with overheads rather than making them money) a 5 figure pay rise!!!!!

I think I really need to see someone about this as I am just so cross

lulabelle

good but spendy weekend. Fri night was cinema and pizza after. Not too bad in grand scheme but still about £40 between us. Sat we did some of our big shop and that was £47. Then we had to get petrol - £20. Bought some stuff for kitchen - £23 then some fireworks - £29. Then we had breakfast out - £18.

Sat am (before shop and breakfast) we went to view our first house together! Was really nice though overpriced so they'd have to knock about 10% off if not more. Not the perfect house but the location we want and you could change/extend a bit to get almost the house we are after. So a definite possibility. Quite pleased as means the boy now keen to see others in comparison so have identified 3 others we will try to see next weekend. We also crunched some numbers to see what cash we have so that was good.

Sat night was party at boy's mums which was nice. Though fell off my no booze wagon - had done 13 days - but will now not drink until at least saturday.

Yesterday we did rest of shop £50 and bought some floor paint £40. Boy made dinner and cakes. Drove round to look at some other houses from outside.

Have decided to get someone in to do outside of house here - the boy was going to do it but he is doing all the inside and it's too much with his working hours for him to do outside too (and I'm useless). It's going to cost about £1200 (it is expensive where we live) and we are already likely to make a loss on this house cos of market (though the larger houses are knocking loads off the asking price too) but the important thing is it sells as we need to get out of here.

We both dislike the area we live in and are sick of being overlooked all the way around and having no parking. So we are prepared to take a hit to get out of here and into somewhere we both like with space, parking and in a nice area!

Dreading work AGAIN. Have to keep telling self its only 4 days but I just really don't like it.

MuffinTops

Hello Lullabelle. I've been lurking a while on your diary but just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're feeling how you do about work. It's the one place we spend so much time and to feel disheartened by it must be so difficult. Especially when the salary is so good.

I agree that it sounds like you could do with talking to someone to help identify what is causing you the anger. It sounds like you're more angry with yourself as well as the injustice of how you were treated but I don't really see how you could have played it any differently. Its rare that someone would be prepared to rock the boat on your behalf and I believe that if you'd formally or informally complained you'd have just been told that it's just how he is/you know what he's like etc.

Basically I'm just saying that I think you played it the best way to get through the time you were there. They'll soon realise what that other girl is like.

MT

lulabelle

Hi MT, thanks for your post. Yes, I think you are right - I am just as angry with myself. I also think that you are right about if I had raised it, it would have done no good. In fact, I had raised it, several times when various things happened. Another classic: a basically !!!! or bust interim hearing (same case actually) on a really complex area of law. Client wanted him to do it and he said he'd do it so prepared. It was due to be on the Tuesday. On the Friday morning he messaged me saying that he was coming down with shingles so I had better prepare and be ready to step in on the Tues if he couldn't make it. I was actually going away for the weekend (which he knew) so went to the other partners and told them. They were too scared of rocking the boat to tackle him direct so made me message him back saying I would try to look at it but was going away for the weekend. They even made me destroy the internal draft so he didn't know they'd been involved! To be fair to them, they said not to prepare and if it got to Monday and he wasn't in, they would go to court themselves and ask for an adjournment but they wanted to be able to say legitimately I wasn't ready hence telling me not to prep. As it was, he came in and did it (probs cos he realised I would not prepare) but stuff like that happened all the time. I felt under enormous pressure.

But you're right, I did what I could to get through it as I needed a job!

Work IS better now than it was in terms of stress levels but I just feel so uninspired.

NSD yesterday. Got my new quote for buildings and contents - a whopping £454! Payable on 19th!!! I am sure I can get better than that so am going to ring round today. Need my pill today and girl things so will not be a NSD sadly. Boy has made lunch from stores and put persian chicken in slow cooker for tonight. Might try and run tonight!