Moving in With Mum

scaredofdebt

This is a long post so sorry about that and it's a bit unusual but I feel we need some moral support, especially my wife.

My wife is currently caring for her mum who is in her 90s and diagnosed with Alzheimers a couple of years ago. We moved house back then so we could be closer to her as she had a fall and was lying on the bathroom floor for 3 days before we found her. We don't want that to happen again so we now check on her twice a day.

The move has been expensive as we are renting a much bigger house in an expensive area, it's a little village and it also means our commutes to work are twice as long as they were so extra time and expense there and the bills are also much higher as it's a bigger house. I am not complaining entirely as the house is much nicer than the old one and with 6 children (including a 10 month old) we do need the space.

Recently mums condition has deteriorated to the stage that she is not looking after herself properly, ie she is not cleaning the house or herself and not eating properly. My wife is now going around even more often so she can clean and feed mum. She fell again last week and was luckily unhurt but these circumstances now make us think we need to do more for her.

The choices we have are as follows:

Do nothing and continue as we are but this is getting extremely hard for my wife as she tries to juggle work with the care etc and I don't think she can cope long term without having a breakdown. I try to help where I can but I am out of the house from 7am until 5pm or later due to work and when I get home I have to do another part time job I have to earn some extra cash as finances are extremely tight. This is another stress in itself as one of the cars has broken down and we cannot afford to repair it. I don't think this is a viable long term option as something will have to give, probably my wife's health and that in turn would impact mum's care and her health.

Option two is to move in with mum - the house is big enough but she is extremely independent and when we tried to move in just after she had her first fall she was nasty to the children and so we felt we had to move out after just a few days. This option is the best one in terms of mum's care as we can feed her, clean her and the house etc and make sure she is up and about. In recent weeks she has often just stayed in bed all day and is very confused due to this. She is a lot better the day or two after she has had a lot of contact with her family, ie if her grand children have gone round to spend time with her.

Another option is to put her into a care home. On the face of it she would hate this but she may actually find it is a good option as she would in theory have other people of similar age to talk to, but knowing her personality she would probably isolate herself and therefore this option would not be in her best interest.

We have tried to get professional care for mum, ie going in twice a day to see if she is OK, feed her etc, but she eventually refused to let them into the house so we had to stop that. Even today she tries to barricade the doors with chairs and other furniture so getting in is a bit of a trial.

Social Services are aware and are OK for us to more in, this is their preferred option as it means they don't have to do anything!

My wife is extremely stressed about it all as if we move out of the rented house and then it goes pear shaped we will have nowhere to live. She has a difficult relationship with her mum as mum has several interesting personality traits.

Any advice or helpful comments would be appreciated.

We have tried getting advice from doctors and social services, but they are not usually very helpful.

Rain_Shadow

I wouldn't move in with her, especially with young children. People with Alzheimer's can become increasingly unpredictable and violent and she is already demonstrating this. The pressure on your wife will be even greater as she won't be able to 'escape' the pressure at all.


Sadly I think the care home option is by far the best.

New_Me

There are automated alarm systems and monitoring systems. I don't know what the alarm system is called, it has a button on a wristband which can be used to call for help in the event of falls. Also look at justchecking.co.uk which is a monitoring system, total godsend.

Unfortunately doesn't help with the personal care side of it. I wouldn't move in, it would be very stressful. There are specific altzheimer forums where you may get more advice from others in the same situation. I know we couldn't cope without outside carers visiting to help.

fairy_lights

scaredofdebt wrote: »

My wife is extremely stressed about it all as if we move out of the rented house and then it goes pear shaped we will have nowhere to live. She has a difficult relationship with her mum as mum has several interesting personality traits.

In that case it doesn't sound like moving in with her would be a good idea at all, it's going to get increasingly difficult for your wife as her condition deteriorates, and her mother might find it stressful having six young children around, particularly if as you say she's always been very independent.
Have you spoken to her mum directly about the different options and what she would prefer? She might be quite willing to move in to a care home.

fabforty

I also would not move in. It wouldn't be fair on your children (especially as they are quite young) and would probably be difficult for your MIL as well - no offence, but 6 kids means noise, mess and a fair amount of chaos. Unless MIL has a huge house, it will also be quite a squeeze. A care home sounds like the best option under the circumstances - it doesn't have to be a negative experience, as long as you choose carefully and find somewhere that can meet your MIL's need.

scaredofdebt

Thanks for the comments so far.

She is dead set against a care home and she changes her mind about us moving in, sometimes she is OK with it, sometimes against it.

If we go for the care home option, how do we get her there? Drag her kicking and screaming?

She is not and has never been violent, her nastiness is what she says to the children.

She does have an emergency alarm that she wears on a bracelet, although she does take it off quit a bit. Luckily she had it on when she fell last time.

The children are not with us all the time as they are from previous marriages, we have both been married before, so most of the time it is only us and the 10 month old. Three nights a week there will be my wife's daughters, aged 11 - 14 and then 4 times a month we have all the children.

The eldest spends most of her time in her room and we would be putting TV, games into their bedrooms so they all have somewhere to go when mum is not feeling sociable.

It's a large 5 bedroomed detached house that she is currently rattling around in, plenty of room for everyone.

Anyway, we will look into care homes in more detail and get the house valued as we will need to sell it to fund her care if we do choose that option.

Thanks.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

There are no easy choices and you'll end up feeling guilty whatever you do. Eventually she will need round the clock care which you can only provide if one of you gives up work and that's a massive commitment. The nastiness you mention towards the children is the inevitable personality change that sadly comes with dementia; you may want to consider if you want your children to remember their Nan in this uncharacteristic state.

euronorris

Has she had a care needs assessment done? If not, request one?


Also, have you had her mental capacity (or lack thereof) assessed and confirmed by a doctor? If not, you need to do this also.


Is there an LPA in place at all? This is going to be the most important question if capacity has been lost already/when capacity is lost. If there isn't one, once loss of capacity has been confirmed, you/your wife can apply for deputyship instead. It's a longer process, and more expensive, but it will give you the required authority to make decisions on her behalf.


Is she claiming attendance allowance at all? She certainly sounds eligible to do so.

scaredofdebt

She has lost mental capacity and a doctor has "certified" that, my wife has POA but not sure if it is LPA or not. Will check and then look into deputyship, thank you.

Not sure if care needs have been assessed, I don't think so recently so we will get that done, I will speak to my wife about it.

Yes she gets attendance allowance.

PasturesNew

Many care homes offer respite care. Is it possible to take your mum there for a day/week? You drop her off, she spends the day there, gets fed, etc, then you collect her and bring her home after tea-time. If she's not packing and is coming home she won't kick off.

Benefit of this is she gets to meet the people .... and if you pick a nice home then you won't have any trouble moving her in as she'll want to be with "her friends".

You should investigate the funding/costs of that - and visit the homes that do offer respite. Pick one that really seems to offer a good environment and have "things going on/activities"

One of my mum's friends in her home came for respite 2 days/week. Her daughter said they were so relieved that her mum enjoyed her time there and she was looked after, with nice friends to sit with twice a week instead of being stuck at home without interaction with people her own age.

euronorris

scaredofdebt wrote: »

She has lost mental capacity and a doctor has "certified" that, my wife has POA but not sure if it is LPA or not. Will check and then look into deputyship, thank you.

Not sure if care needs have been assessed, I don't think so recently so we will get that done, I will speak to my wife about it.

Yes she gets attendance allowance.

A deputyship should not be required if a valid Attorney document is in place. But you will need to check what type of document it is as some of the older ones become invalid upon loss of mental capacity of the donor. If it is valid, it will still need to be registered with the court of protection now that she has lost capacity. So best to check that this has been done.


If an assessment has not been done recently, it is well worth getting another one done as the nature of her condition is a progressive one.


If she now, or in the future, requires assistance during the night as well as during the day then she will be eligible for the higher rate of attendance allowance - currently £82.30 per week and not means tested.


Personally, I think the care home is the most suitable option here. Whilst you are struggling now, you have to consider that her condition is only going to get worse as time goes on. Do you really think you guys will be able to cope when her care needs increase?


It is not uncommon for people with dementia to be against the idea of a care home, but once there they often settle in pretty quickly and improve in some ways as there is always a trained member of staff on hand to ensure they are taking their meds, eating regularly, washing, helping with any mobility issues etc.


Just remember that it is only the bad care homes that get the press. There are many wonderful ones out there, but you don't hear about them because being good isn't newsworthy. If she owns her own home, then there will be capital to call upon to assist you in choosing a nice, suitable home.


If you go down that route, depending on the amount of capital she has/will have as a result of house sale, you may want to consider financial advice. IF you do, the SOLLA website lists advisers who are specialised in advising clients in care fees planning which will help you to find one in your area.


I hope that helps. I understand it is a very challenging and upsetting time x