Moving in With Mum

duchy

If she changes her mind once you move in and either tells you to leave (her home she'd be within her rights) or makes life so difficult that you have to leave - you'd be in a right pickle.

As both you and your wife work would it be possible for one or both of you to reduce your hours to be able to care better for her ?

Would your wife consider giving up work for a bit (or you and be a househusband whilst she works) ?

TBagpuss

What a difficult situation. Is your wife an only child, or are there other family members you could discuss this with?
Even though your MIL has lost capacity, if she is still able to express her views do try to take these into account.

If you can, it sounds as thouhg looking for some respite care might be a sensible idea - as PasturesNew says, this may be less upsetting or unwelcome for her than if she moves permanently to a care home, and may mean that you and your wife can continue to support her in her own home for longer.

With regard to moving in, I think you would need to think very carefuly about the practicalities: on the plus side, it means less to-ing and froing for you and your wife, on the negative side, it makes it harder for you to have any time out, it may be difficult if your MIL has periods of not wanting you there (if she lacks capactiy, then on a particual basis you proobably are not at much risk of getting thrown out overnight!)

What is the layout of the house like? If you were to move in, is there scope for you to have a family room separate from her main living room, so that you can be apart from one another if you need to be?

If you do decide to move in, it would be sensible to get some advice about how to manage the household finaces to ensure that you are not at risk of being sen to be taking advantage of her or using her .assets for your own benefit (I'm not suggesting that you woould - you seem to be bending over backwards to try to do what is best for her, but as Attorney for someone who has lost capacity yor wife does have legal obligations, and it is wise to make sure that you're keeping suitable records etc in case any qutuons are ever raised.)

Buttonmoons

Has she been assessed as not having capacity? That needs to be done before a care home would be an option especially as if she is not open to the idea.

Moving in seems a practical option at the moment however as her condition deteriorates would you be able to manage the incontinence or toileting in unusual places, the outburst, perhaps violence, the late night restlessness and wandering?

Would a home carer not be a viable option at the moment? They would ensure she is washed, dressed and had something to eat and give your wife a peace of mind and a break.

academiablues

Hi, this sounds like a really horrible situation to be in, my sympathies. All euronorris's advice is really good.
When my gran had dementia, and was refusing for people to be let in, my mum was in a similar situation. She eventually made the decision to put gran in a care home. The last thing my gran said to her the day she went into the home was "I will never forgive you for this." Three days later when my mum worked up the courage to visit, it was like she'd always lived there and she was happy to be there.
I wouldn't move in with your MIL, and I wonder if a care home might be the best place for her in the long run?
Good luck with it all, whatever you decide.

suejb2

Excuse my bluntness, is your M.I.L of sound mind to know she will be in a care home? I have no experience of a relative with dementia yet have read posts on here describing how there loved ones have no knowledge where they are.

Have you considered a live in carer? Not you and your family as like others have said it seems unwise but a personal assistant .
Downsizing you M.I.L to a manageable house or a warden controlled place.

Best wishes on your choices.

Primrose

I think you have done an awful lot for your mother in law, but it sounds as if, from your wife's point of view, she has now virtually reached breaking point.


However hard it is I would now try and persuade your wife that that from a health and family point of view, your MIL now needs to go into a care home. She is obviously not capable of coping on her own and it sounds as if her mental condition has gone beyond the point where social services staff calling in will be adequate protection for her health and safety.


Do you want your wife to have a physical or nervous breakdown? Who would then care for your children? How would you cope if you had to give up your job if care for them.


I really sympathise. I have been through this family health scenario and there are no easy options. It's probably time to pull the plug, let Social Services take over and get a proper care assessment for her. . And make sure you get your MIL to grant Power of Attorney. This can take up to six months and it sounds as if the situation is already getting very close to the wire


Do not give up the roof over your head, and move in with MIL. If things go pear shaped you will all be in difficulty and it's not fair to submit your own children to all this uncertainty. Your own family must come first.

SuzieSue

You have to realise that at the end of the day, it does not matter what you MIL wants if she has lost capacity.

You have to do what is best for her and also what is best for you and your family.

If the only option for her own safety is for her to go in to a care home, then she has to go in to a care home.

Your MIL is no more or less important than anyone else in your family and if your wife carries on trying to look after her and work at the same time, your wife is not going to be able to cope.

z.n

A Care Home sounds like the best option- you should investigate what is available/costs etc now before some sort of real emergency. Maybe try respite care so MinL can get used to the location and staff. It is on the horizon for sure and in some ways the sooner your MinL is settled in her new surroundings the better. It may take a number of weeks of permanent residence for her to get used to the new situation but life sounds so stressful for her at the moment it might prove a revelation to everyone. So many complications of life would be taken care of for her- running the home/shopping/ medication/companionship and help 24/7/food etc. Far better for you and your wife to have the time to take her out for tea etc occasionally than run yourselves into the ground trying to keep her in an environment that no longer meets her needs. Alarms and pill reminders are a temporary stop-gap that might work for a little while to keep her at home but it sounds like you may be past that stage anyway.

Don't move in with her unless you are prepared to see your children struggle. IME an elderly person with dementia needs a lot of attention and much of the time cannot wait their turn in a busy family setting. Finding the right Care Home is the kindest and most respectful thing your wife can do- along with regular visits.

Get the power of attorney done asap as it saves a lot of time and hassle later, and remember that Social Services might be happy to see you move in because it means they won't have to pay fees for so long! You need to investigate the costs- often LAs will only pay a certain amount and the balance has to be made up by family if you choose a 'nicer ' care home.

In my area we have Commnuity Agents who advise on all sorts of aged parent issues on behalf of Age UK/Red Cross etc and who have good links into Social Services. Might be worth a try- as your GP for info on the support network. There will be one but it might be via charities.