Wedding Question - when you only know the groom and best man

Anatidaephobia

divadee wrote: »

My partner has been invited to be a best man at his best friends wedding. He is naturally excited as they have been friends since school. We live 5 hours drive away and I've only met the groom once.

Now I feel uncomfortable going as a guest as I will basically be by myself all day as partner is sitting at the top table. I would be with other normal guests.


It's causing a bit of anxiety for both of us, partner wants me to go, I don't really want to as it will be the church and sit down reception all by myself with no one else I know and then I wouldn't really see partner till the evening. I'm not the most confident of people and I have been suffering from depression due to having M.E.

Am I being selfish? Should I just try and man up and get through it as best as possible? It's just making me very anxious and it's not even for months yet!!!! I just couldn't imagine talking to all strangers while my partner is on the other side of the room all day.

I can completely sympathise because I went to a wedding that was a very similar situation. My OH was best man; the only people I knew at the wedding were all sitting at the top table and I also have anxiety so found the whole thing very stressful and was dreading it. The wedding was also far away in a place I'd never been which added to the uncertainty and anxiety as I was literally unable to imagine any of the locations we would be visiting.

As it turned out, it wasn't that bad in the end. I travelled to the church with my OH, the groom and some of the groom's family. Inside the church, I just went off and sat down myself and nobody paid me any attention; they're all too busy watching the bride and groom! Outside the church, everyone hung around taking photos and I didn't feel alone; my OH joined me when he wasn't needed for photos.

The reception was the bit I was dreading the most but it was okay. I wouldn't say it was massively enjoyable but it wasn't terrible either; it was perfectly manageable. I was seated at one of the tables closest to the top table meaning I could see my OH very easily so we could exchange looks, smile, look to each other for a reaction during the speeches, etc so it did feel like I was able to share some moments with him even though we weren't seated together. At my table, nobody really knew each other; most people were there in twos (some couples, a mother and her daughter), everyone was chatty but there was enough going on at the wedding (speeches, drinks being ordered, plates being taken away etc) that you didn't need to talk for long periods of time, just make random chat about how lovely the wedding was and how you knew the bride and groom.

The sit down meal really didn't last that long either and, after that, everybody moved around anyway. I spent most of the rest of the night with my OH and the bridesmaid, joined regularly by the bride and groom as well, and there was no point after that where there was any requirement for me to be on my own.

I won't lie and say the day wasn't stressful because it was but 95% of my stress was to do with imagining the worst case scenarios. Whatever you are imagining about the day is likely to be at least 100 times worse than anything that will actually happen. If I had to go to another wedding with my OH which would be a similar situation I wouldn't think "oh goody, I can't wait" because it's still a day where you're seated apart from your partner but I would think "okay fine, I know I can do this, it will be okay". If you can't/don't want to go to the whole day then the suggestion earlier in the thread about taking a break is probably a fair enough compromise.

hazyjo

When my friend got married, her friend (who I'd also worked with 7 years or so before) went back to her room after the ceremony but re-joined us at the Reception. She also has ME/depression. She had been very anxious and had travelled up from Brighton to Reading with her partner, but she ended up really enjoying herself. In fact, it was lovely to see her after many years. Took her a while to come out of her shell, but she could see we were all genuinely enjoying her company.


There will probably be 8-10 on a table. You won't have to make a speech or contribute to the conversation, there will always be quiet ones, and someone will always do the talking if it's awkward. Most of the time you're there, you're eating or listening to speeches, and it can be a good way of making the evening bearable/fun and recognising a few faces.


I went along to another friend's hen night recently where I only knew her. I had met one other girl about 20 years ago(!) but that was it. I was so anxious and dreading it and thought about not going, but forced myself and had a lovely time (and barely spoke to my friend as others were very friendly). I do understand the complexities of ME, etc so it may not be for you.


As above, do let them know well in advance as it's so annoying to pay for a no-show. They will rather you say you're not going than have you say you'll let them know nearer the time.


Also, if your partner is best man, you already have your opening chat. Very easy to chit-chat about that for a few mins. Ask people questions and let them talk about themselves and you won't have to worry about what you say or how you come across. All you need to say to people is 'so, how do you know [the groom / bride]. There - conversation started.


Good luck. I think you should go and be proud of your other half, but will understand if you don't


Jx

burnoutbabe

I would just attend the evening part. The rest of the day seems pointless to attend and you'd have to travel between locations on your own.

What benefit does attending the day part give you? travelling up and then staying in the hotel seems best, and much simpler than being in and out during the day, which would promote more attention/questions.

belfastgirl23

burnoutbabe wrote: »

What benefit does attending the day part give you? travelling up and then staying in the hotel seems best, and much simpler than being in and out during the day, which would promote more attention/questions.

To be honest at a wedding where no one knows you I don't think there will be questions unless you're wearing a really striking dress or are very distinctive looking in some way everyone's so busy lollygagging the bridal party that they don't really notice what other people are up to unless either they know them or they're doing something totally inappropriate.

I'm saying this because i had a wedding to go to a while back where DH was best man. For some reason I kind of got myself anxious about what I would wear and spent months trying to find something. In the end though as long as I looked generally appropriate, I realised no one was looking at me anyway