No initiative

SailorSam

BigAunty wrote: »

Good idea.

Perhaps some voluntary work that has a degree of responsibility to it, orperhaps something like the Army/RAF/Navy cadets (there's also civilian equivalent where the members achieve badges and train in different areas but I can't remember what it's called)?

The Princes Trust seems to offer fab programmes for young people, both community and work based.


https://www.princes-trust.org.uk/

I've never done it but you hear them saying when young lads go to boxing clubs, or Judo type things they come to respect each other. Or i did dinghy sailing, you either do what they tell you or drown.

BigAunty

SailorSam wrote: »

I've never done it but you hear them saying when young lads go to boxing clubs, or Judo type things they come to respect each other. Or i did dinghy sailing, you either do what they tell you or drown.

Duke of Edinburgh Award - that's the one that I struggled to remember.

I think I made a mistake posting in my thread that these were teenage boys. I think they made be teenage girls but the OP can confirm.

Home education is clearly not working out if the studies are being reluctantly, slowly and partially undertaken. Perhaps enrollment in college or school might provide a more structured and full time education? I can't imagine someone who has experience of home schooling, doing largely as they please, would enjoy being shipped off to a regular school with its extra hours, extra pressure and huge lack of choice and decision making - the timetable, homework and tests are largely fixed.

FBaby

There is only two ways about it, nag nag nag until they can't take it any longer and then plot your threats. They have to be serious enough to make an impact, but enforceable as you will need to stick with the consequences if they are not responded to.

They are clearly not taking you seriously at the moment and you need to rectify this asap.

foolofbeans

To clarify: teenagers are 16 and 17.
Home-ed DD has been for just over a year due to bullying and constant misbehaviour at school. She is going to take her GCSE's in summer with an aim to go to college in Sept. Obviously this means a lot of work to get the right grades and distractions in the form of another teenager don't help achieve that.
17 year old wants an apprenticeship and we have been told is only allowed a job with training so is restricted in terms of choice. So far though there has been no job searching unless prompted. I did think about getting them to go to job club which is twice a week as I don't think they should be sat at home all day. I have helped with CV's and given some envelopes and printed off addresses of local businesses to be canvassed for an apprenticeship place. I suppose I just keep hoping they will take the initiative and do something for themselves.
Threatening either teenager with eviction isn't going to be believable. I will look into cadets but they are at an age now that doesn't often get catered for (too old or too young).
I have told them already that pocket money is being drastically reduced as we are budgeting to pay debts off. I regularly turn wifi off but have decided it can stay off throughout the work day. Any other ideas on tough love will be welcomed.

ViolaLass

How about behaviour on one day earning wifi the next day?

e.g. if on Monday, they apply for three jobs/get a certain amount of work done/make their bed/whatever it is you want, they get wifi the next day. If they don't, they don't.

No pocket money, they should earn their own.

missbiggles1

BigAunty wrote: »

Why is the home educated son being dropped off a job club or have I misunderstood this? What qualifications is he studying for? Are you hoping he might get a part time job on top of his studies? Has he been applying directly for jobs advertised on the internet off his own back or just the odd one at the job club, if at all?

Is the job seeking elder son eligible for JSA and if so, is he signing on for JSA? If eligible for JSA and he's not signing on, why not? Has he indicated any type of preference for a type of job or career - what area of work is his apprenticeship in?

By signing on for JSA, he will be able to contribute towards household bills (you could show take him through all the household bills so he gains an understanding of the true cost of supporting him) and take off a majority of the JSA, leaving pocket money and travel money to interviews.

The JSA staff will set him minimum jobs to apply for each week and will sanction his benefits if he is as lazy towards his job seeking with them as he is with you.

My dad also objected to my brother 'lounging' in bed when unemployed and used to tip him out of bed and push him out the door (I am not advocating this aggressive type of behaviour), just saying that my parents response to my brothers preference long lie ins and staying in the house all day was to exclude him from the house and make it less comfortable.

EDIT - sorry, for some reason I misread the post and assumed they were teenage boys. From a glance at the OPs older posts, I think she is referring to her daughter who is impressed with the poor behaviour of the OPs niece whose relationship broke down her parents and she moved into the OPs household, only to be kicked out of college.

I remember the thread well - it sounds as if things have gone further downhill.

Person_one

Who is tutoring your 16 year old? Are they experienced and skilled enough in teaching to get her through multiple GCSEs in a variety of subjects? Is it too late to get her back into a school? I have to say, it seems like the worst possible time and not the best reason to start home educating.

Turning the wifi off is not going to help with job searching though!

Edit: I do feel for you OP, but I don't think this forum is going to give you answers on how to deal with and help these troubled girls. I really think some sort of family counselling would be a really good idea, or individual counselling for those members of the family who are willing to try it. As you have taken in your niece when she was made homeless, is it possible that social services could help you access some support for her? Some schools and colleges these days even have counsellors on the payroll, so they won't be the first teenagers to need that sort of help, by any means.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Lots of teenagers are objectionable - they usually start sorting themselves out at school by year 11 with the continued input of professionals experienced in dealing with them and their friends. Unfortunately, taking her out appears to have stopped this maturing procress.

I'd get her a new school place somewhere. Either she goes and knuckles down or she doesn't, in which case there's no deterioration - access to an environment away from a place where she's cooped up 24/7 with her Mum and the only relief from that is another unhappy teenager might help.

If nothing else, you then won't be her mum, her jailer and her teacher - far too many jobs to take on, in my opinion.


On the positive side, try multiplying what you have indoors by thirty and you'll have the number of teenage girls the average teacher has to deal with in a week. The vast majority come out of it with GCSEs and college places, rather than sitting at home on the internet for some social contact.

FBaby

I suppose I just keep hoping they will take the initiative and do something for themselves.

Well if that is your approach to parenting, it is not surprising that they are taking you for a ride. As you've said, teenagers don't take initiatives, they act on the basis of rewards and punishment to a different degree depending on whether they actually have an idea of what they want to achieve.

You really need to review your approach all together as yours seem much too assisting. Why would you be doing envelops for your eldest? That's part of the job search and something they should do themselves.

What you need to do is firstly encourage them to find what they want to do, not in a practical way but in an inspiring one. What do they actually want to do in life, what motivates them, what would make them happy as adults? You need to talk about everything, research with them different jobs, go out, visit places, talk to people, and get them to want to do something.

On the other hand, you need to make it clear that doing fun activities are rewards, not to be taken for granted every day. Make sure you get them up at a reasonable time, no saying and then giving up, do it every morning with whatever mean until they get it that not getting up will not be an alternative. Agree with them a schedule for the week, that will mean they are doing a work/school related activity from 9 to 3pm. At this time, there will be no phone/tv/wifi/x-box etc... They can get it back at 3pm say only if they have accomplish something that day.

You'll get kicking, moaning, they'll try to make you feel bad, but you need to stick to it. Normal life is to be active from morning to late afternoon, their lifestyle isn't.

justme111

What about help with parenting? There must be some groups or charities that would help you to do a better job. Not to say u are any worse than any of us , I suppose we all needed/need help at different stages of parenting and teenage years are said to be difficult for a reason , nothing shameful in asking for help whan one needs to