Please, some marriage advice needed...is it over?

FBaby

before xmas when we stuggled for money, and I said, this needs to change after christmas, a couple days later he said, does that mean im going to chuck him out! he has said this often before, a hen discussing our future he has said, he thinks i will leave him when kids are grown up!, if he thinks that, and knows I`m unhappy why does`nt he try to do something about it?

I haven't read your OP, but it does sound like your husband is suffering from genuine depression. One of the characteristics of clinical depression is that it depletes you completely of any mental energy, which in turns depletes you of psychological and physical energy.

He is clearly aware enough to realise that you are unhappy, fed up and likely to leave, but despite the fact that it is probably the last thing he wants, he can't get himself to do the things that would prevent it. He probably lives in fear that it will happen feeling hopeless to do anything about it.

When you reach that level of depression, you have no choice but to seek help so to take that first step towards recovery. The first steps are the hardest, it then gets easier and easier, but he needs someone/something to get him to take these first moves.

Lioness_Twinkletoes

betterlife wrote: »

Sorry Ive removed this post as I feel ive had the help (and possible kick from some that I needed, thank you

From Google Cache - sorry, but it's rude and unhelpful to delete posts and leave the responses:

Hi, I`ve been married for nearly 13yrs, and we where together about 5yrs before that as well. We have 4 children aged from 7-15yrs.
I`ve been feeling unhappy for quite some time, (even years) but just pull myself together and get on with things. I feel like my husband is like another child to look after, he hasnt worked for over 10yrs, he was on incapacity (never disability) but when i went self employed, he came off it and I support us now. (I don`t want to give too much away incase someone I know is on here?) but basically he could work. Anyway I`m self employed working from home, making ends meet! financially we live day to day, no savings, back up, im nearly always worried about bills etc, but this seems to go over his head. (i get ctc & wtc, cb also) But he just does`nt seem to want to do anything, or really care or take responsibility!! He says he has same dreams as me (when I talk about the future) house in countryside, financial stability etc, but does`nt do a damn thing about it! which I find really frustrating! we rent our house, (both nearly 40) and I can`t see anything changing ever!I really feel guilty sometimes wanting more, as I am blessed to have 4 healthy children and a roof over my head, but I don`t think what I want is unreasonable? I want to be able to help my children if they need it when there grown up, have a little something to leave them, but it feels like there have to help me!
He does`nt even do much around the house, You would expect it to be very clean and tidy but its not, theres plenty of odd jobs he could be doing. Along with working from home, I do dishes, and cooking everyday. He sits and watches tv whilst looking through his phone 90% of most days. I fear its not making a good impression on the kids, my eldest does`nt no what he wants to do when he leaves school which really is`nt long. We don`t argue much, really cant be bothered too! we seem to be not smiley any more!, I love him, but not in love, I`m not attracted to him any more, It feels like I`m just making do, just getting on with it, so the kids don`t have a broken home. I don`t want a better man, not interested in another relationship, I just think that maybe I`d be better just me and kids? maybe i`d achieve more? I feel this negativity has made me a different person to who I use to be, I know Im older with responsibilities, but I don`t feel my usual cheer self that I was when younger, He`s not a social person, and its turned me that way too. I just don`t no what to do?

ljonski

The OP has asked a question. She has received replies sufficient for her needs. She now wishes to move on and draw a line in the sand- as we also should. It is of total irrelevance that you consider her edit of the original post to be rude or not.

What is important is we let the matter rest until or if the OP returns.

prosaver

Lioness_Twinkletoes wrote: »

From Google Cache - sorry, but it's rude and unhelpful to delete posts and leave the responses:

Hi, I`ve been married for nearly 13yrs, and we where together about 5yrs before that as well. We have 4 children aged from 7-15yrs.
I`ve been feeling unhappy for quite some time, (even years) but just pull myself together and get on with things. I feel like my husband is like another child to look after, he hasnt worked for over 10yrs, he was on incapacity (never disability) but when i went self employed, he came off it and I support us now. (I don`t want to give too much away incase someone I know is on here?) but basically he could work. Anyway I`m self employed working from home, making ends meet! financially we live day to day, no savings, back up, im nearly always worried about bills etc, but this seems to go over his head. (i get ctc & wtc, cb also) But he just does`nt seem to want to do anything, or really care or take responsibility!! He says he has same dreams as me (when I talk about the future) house in countryside, financial stability etc, but does`nt do a damn thing about it! which I find really frustrating! we rent our house, (both nearly 40) and I can`t see anything changing ever!I really feel guilty sometimes wanting more, as I am blessed to have 4 healthy children and a roof over my head, but I don`t think what I want is unreasonable? I want to be able to help my children if they need it when there grown up, have a little something to leave them, but it feels like there have to help me!
He does`nt even do much around the house, You would expect it to be very clean and tidy but its not, theres plenty of odd jobs he could be doing. Along with working from home, I do dishes, and cooking everyday. He sits and watches tv whilst looking through his phone 90% of most days. I fear its not making a good impression on the kids, my eldest does`nt no what he wants to do when he leaves school which really is`nt long. We don`t argue much, really cant be bothered too! we seem to be not smiley any more!, I love him, but not in love, I`m not attracted to him any more, It feels like I`m just making do, just getting on with it, so the kids don`t have a broken home. I don`t want a better man, not interested in another relationship, I just think that maybe I`d be better just me and kids? maybe i`d achieve more? I feel this negativity has made me a different person to who I use to be, I know Im older with responsibilities, but I don`t feel my usual cheer self that I was when younger, He`s not a social person, and its turned me that way too. I just don`t no what to do?

hey that sounds like me,,
maybe she put 4 kids bit in, so i wont know....ermmm:cool:

prosaver

prosaver wrote: »

hey that sounds like me,,
maybe she put 4 kids bit in, so i wont know....ermmm:cool:

cant be,
cause weve split up
and i dont on the phone much..:beer:

Lioness_Twinkletoes

ljonski wrote: »

The OP has asked a question. She has received replies sufficient for her needs. She now wishes to move on and draw a line in the sand- as we also should. It is of total irrelevance that you consider her edit of the original post to be rude or not.

What is important is we let the matter rest until or if the OP returns.

In your opinion

Personally, I think it is rude to delete the OP.

toniq

How rude to trawl google cache and post something which had been deleted.

This is the op's thread and her decision to post or delete, as it is our prerogative to delete posts we have made.

I understand the threads never read correctly after posts are deleted but it is an option given to us by mse.

DUTR

toniq wrote: »

How rude to trawl google cache and post something which had been deleted.

This is the op's thread and her decision to post or delete, as it is our prerogative to delete posts we have made.

I understand the threads never read correctly after posts are deleted but it is an option given to us by mse.

How rude to criticise Lioness Twinkletoes descision to make post #13.
It is LT's decision to post or delete, as it is our prerogative to delete posts we have made.

I understand the threads never read correctly after posts are deleted but it is an option given to us by mse.

betterlife

Thank you for every ones advice, what i needed was to vent, and its helped, I don`t really have anyone unbiased to talk too. The reason i removed my 1st post was i felt guilty and silly for having a wobble like that in the 1st place, sometimes its hard to see the light through the clouds, I also hoped it would remove any chance of anyone that might possibly know me(of which i think is slim?) reading it. As lioness twinkletoes says "With four children you owe it to yourselves and them to really try and make this marriage work." which I will do, so hopefully your trawling to retrieve my deleted post wont jeopardise that? I`ll leave it at that, I`m going now, to work on making my marriage work. good night.