Please, some marriage advice needed...is it over?

betterlife

Sorry Ive removed this post as I feel ive had the help (and possible kick from some that I needed, thank you

Lioness_Twinkletoes

You both sound pretty depressed - which is understandable. You're working hard and he is unemployed.

I would suggest a visit to your Doctor and some marriage guidance counselling. With help and support you should be able to resolve your problems in a controlled, supportive, non-judgemental way.

With four children you owe it to yourselves and them to really try and make this marriage work.

Money_maker

So what does he say when you ask him when he's going to find a job?

What does he say when you ask him to do things around the house?

Money_maker

Print off your OP. Show it to your DH. His reaction will help you decide what you need to do.

You may have 4 children but they are learning how little they have to do to help you. Tell your DH he is a heavy load to carry along with the children and he needs to step up and take some weight.

ljonski

Hello. As a man , i feel that what you have described of him is that he is no longer a man, leader or head of the household. How this came about and whether you have a certain amount of responsiblity for what has happened to him i cannot say. Something needs to happen and if it was him who took the initiative , then yours and his problems would be solved. Without doubt he needs to find work, even if it is part time! If he is a child , then you need to confiscate his phone and switch the TV off for starters. Then once he is working, you can both re assess the situation from there. HTH

betterlife

Thank you for your advice, we have counselling about 10yrs ago, did`t help at all, but we decided to try ourselves (he had started going out drinking with single friend, and then one day after he was supposedly fishing for the day, I found 2 cinema tickets in passenger door of car for that day, he said he had dropped friends mrs to cinema with her friend??) anyway I gave him benefit of doubt and we tried. Yes he does get depressed about the pain he can be in sometimes, but can`t get no more help with that other than painkillers he`s on, (had surgery and seen consultants etc) I`ve said on many occasions getting out to work might help, but he has no motivation. I`m not depressed, I`m just fed up with our situation, before xmas when we stuggled for money, and I said, this needs to change after christmas, a couple days later he said, does that mean im going to chuck him out! he has said this often before, a hen discussing our future he has said, he thinks i will leave him when kids are grown up!, if he thinks that, and knows I`m unhappy why does`nt he try to do something about it? If it was`nt for the children I would`nt be here, but surely this is not good for them either?

betterlife

He does agree he needs a job, but does`nt do anything about it, instead he might do a bit more around the house for a few days, but that does`nt last.
money maker, it took me long enough to share my thoughts on here!
I agree he needs to man up, he thinks he is already manly as he can do DIY and can got out a provide meat/fish on occasions, but I think it is more manly to support your family financially, providing more security.

Lioness_Twinkletoes

Sounds like you've made your decision and are looking for approbation. If so, you've come to the right place! I'd lay money on there being several 'leave him' posts before we hit page 2.

Look, you've told us how you feel and are drip feeding information from your perspective. We don't know him, how he feels, how you talk to him, how much pain he is in, how useless he feels, how depressed he is or if he is having an affair and is taking you for a ride. We cannot advise you to leave or stay with him. There are arguments for both staying and leaving, especially in respect of the children.

However, you are married. You both made a commitment and while I would not tolerate my husband sitting around doing nothing nor would I give up without really having tried my damndest to make it work.

I would suggest you use this board as a place to vent but don't look for advice on whether your marriage is over as no one on here could - or should - be giving that advice.

Again, I would suggest counselling and a chat with your Doctor. Only you and he can decide if it is worth the effort.

betterlife

thanks again for advice lioness, a vent is what I needed, but you are right, you dont no everything. Ljonski, your advice has been great, and got me thinking more from his side, (has been helpful getting another male opinion) and I think your right, maybe he`s depressed and feeling less of a man, but needs my help finding work as he lacks in motivation and I no the thought of an interview worries him. I no if he was working he would start feeling better about his self so this would help us! its just finding the right work, as i think he`d feel to manly to be a cashier at sainsburys.

Guest101

Could he not help you in your business? expand it together?


Is it specialised, and if so, could he contribute to the 'admin' whilst you focused on clients?

euronorris

betterlife wrote: »

thanks again for advice lioness, a vent is what I needed, but you are right, you dont no everything. Ljonski, your advice has been great, and got me thinking more from his side, (has been helpful getting another male opinion) and I think your right, maybe he`s depressed and feeling less of a man, but needs my help finding work as he lacks in motivation and I no the thought of an interview worries him. I no if he was working he would start feeling better about his self so this would help us! its just finding the right work, as i think he`d feel to manly to be a cashier at sainsburys.

After an extended absence from work, the type of work isn't as important as actually just having a job. Preferably part time at first, ease him in.


Remember, the first job he finds doesn't have to be forever, it's a stepping stone. A confidence builder. Some recent experience to put on the CV.


My hubby was out of work for a couple of years after a breakdown. He went back to work last year, into a completely different job than he before, and paying way less, and only part time hours. It certainly isn't his dream job, and he won't be in it for much longer, but it was PERFECT at getting him back out there, building confidence, getting used to the working environment again and giving him back some financial independence. Just what he needed.


If an interview is so unnerving, do you guys have any contacts who know of people looking to recruit someone as a matter or urgency? That's how hubby got his job. The company his step-dad works for very short staffed and needed someone to start that day, and hubby was able to as he was unemployed.


Also, you can always do 'mock' interviews with him. Role play, so he can prepare himself for an interview as much as possible.