Some advise please..

Victoria29

Evening all

I'm a user of this site but have created a new login as I'm embarrassed and upset but I need some advise and you have all helped me in lots of different ways over the years.

I had a relationship with a separated (not divorced) man at work, someone quite senior in the company.

The relationship ended quite hostile 6 months ago, in that 6 months we've called a truce on any hostilities and although not friends we've maintained civil ness, he has also rekindled his marriage.
Over the last 2 months things had improved and we've been more civil towards one another, almost as friendly as we were before we started a relationship.
At Christmas we were both out on a work Christmas doo, a colleague happened to mention to me how friendly we were and that we need to sort things out.. I was mortified, if he thought that how many others thought the same..
I had had a few drinks and although I didn't kick off I was a bit emotional and had a bit of a go at my colleague saying how dare he make out there was something going on and that he had no idea what he was saying. I got my coat and I left.
Then after I left I'm reliably informed that another colleague had a go at him saying similar things and that it needs to be sorted.

When I went into work on Monday the man I had been involved with and the 2 colleagues were all in a room, I imagine discussing the events of the night.
Since that day, my ex has totally blanked me, totally blanked me except to send me a text requesting that I stay out of his way, not to contact him, that he hated me and that I had embarrassed him, that he regretted ever getting involved with me, etc etc.. I was taken back as in my head I had left the party because I didn't want there to be gossip or anything, in my head I did the right thing so this torrent of abuse was unexpected.

It was then two weeks off for Christmas and on my return yesterday I did think the dust would've settled and normality would have resumed but alas not, it transpires that the three person chat on the Monday after the doo was the two colleagues apologising for their unprofessionalism and my ex throwing me under a bus saying that I was a psycho and wouldn't let go of him, wouldn't leave him alone etc etc..total total untruths....
I also found out that my ex as a senior person in our company had sent a general email to all 746 members of staff wishing a happy Christmas and thank you for everything delivered that year - 746 members of staff bar 1. Me.
Then in a meeting yesterday when I presented he stared at the ceiling picking his nails and completely ignored me..

I know this shows him as being childish etc but it's upset me so much. I'm so embarrassed that one he has said complete untruths about me to colleagues, I'm upset that he now completely blanks me, I have no idea what I have actually done??
This behaviour mirrors how he acted when we broke up, he was vile to me.. I can't face all of that again...

I don't really know what I'm asking but I feel really upset, I just want to be able to do my job without stress or upset.

pigpen

Don't sleep with your boss, don't sleep with married men, their relationships are rarely what they make them out to be and find another job.. this isn't going away.

Victoria29

You've misunderstood, he was separated when we got together, it was a relationship not an affair.. He isn't my boss, he is senior in the same company

And it was over 6 months ago!!!

paddy's_mum

It''ll all soon be next week's fish and chip paper but in your shoes, I'd hold on to my dignity and integrity while looking for another job.

Poor man - he obviously can't help being a proper prat but you don't have to allow him to drag you down to his childish, hitting-back level.

Don't be too sure that your colleagues are genuinely withdrawing their comments. They too have an unreasonable, hostile man as their boss.

Good luck.

tea_lover

This sounds really familiar, didn't you post about this a few months ago?

Victoria29

No, not posted about this before..

Happytravelling

The closest I’ve ever had to your experience was when I applied for a promotion 4 months into a job and, to my own amazement, succeeded against a number of people who had been there for years. Only went for it to show ambition…suffice to say, I was hugely unpopular... there were whispered conversations, exclusions from invitations, deliberately loud conversations intended for me to hear and outright comments. Not that I feel I need to be best buds with people at work, but it was less than pleasant for a period. Basically, I sympathise with you for your situation.
Your options are:
- Be strong, work hard, remain professional and people will regard you as such
- Get another job.
Although unfair to generalise, it doesn’t surprise me that a senior manager can behave so unreasonably (bullying is one way to get to the top!) and the people whose opinion is worthwhile will recognise him for what he is and you for who you are- hence why you need to stay strong and behave professionally!
Try to maintain a record of instances where you are victimised or bullied, and evidence where possible, in case he tries to force your resignation, so that you can fight any potential unfair dismissal case.
I hope this helps; its not nice when dealing with this kind of thing at work. All the best!

pigpen

Victoria29 wrote: »

You've misunderstood, he was separated when we got together, it was a relationship not an affair.. He isn't my boss, he is senior in the same company

And it was over 6 months ago!!!

He was married then, is now, it still counts as adultery.

You think that even if he works in a different part of the same company he cant still make your life miserable and make it incredibly humiliating for you?


I haven't misunderstood at all..

Though if it continues and you have to leave you have grounds for constructive dismissal case.. though it will be a hard one due to you sleeping with him in the first place.

Victoria29

Thank you, I thought about leaving after our relationship ended but managed to get through that but never expected it to happen again.. I think it's the best thing that I do job hunt but it's just a grown mans behaviour that baffles me completely...

heuchera

Victoria29 wrote: »

Evening all

I'm a user of this site but have created a new login as I'm embarrassed and upset but I need some advise and you have all helped me in lots of different ways over the years.

I had a relationship with a separated (not divorced) man at work, someone quite senior in the company.

The relationship ended quite hostile 6 months ago, in that 6 months we've called a truce on any hostilities and although not friends we've maintained civil ness, he has also rekindled his marriage.
Over the last 2 months things had improved and we've been more civil towards one another, almost as friendly as we were before we started a relationship.
At Christmas we were both out on a work Christmas doo, a colleague happened to mention to me how friendly we were and that we need to sort things out.. I was mortified, if he thought that how many others thought the same..
I had had a few drinks and although I didn't kick off I was a bit emotional and had a bit of a go at my colleague saying how dare he make out there was something going on and that he had no idea what he was saying. I got my coat and I left.
Then after I left I'm reliably informed that another colleague had a go at him saying similar things and that it needs to be sorted.

When I went into work on Monday the man I had been involved with and the 2 colleagues were all in a room, I imagine discussing the events of the night.
Since that day, my ex has totally blanked me, totally blanked me except to send me a text requesting that I stay out of his way, not to contact him, that he hated me and that I had embarrassed him, that he regretted ever getting involved with me, etc etc.. I was taken back as in my head I had left the party because I didn't want there to be gossip or anything, in my head I did the right thing so this torrent of abuse was unexpected.

It was then two weeks off for Christmas and on my return yesterday I did think the dust would've settled and normality would have resumed but alas not, it transpires that the three person chat on the Monday after the doo was the two colleagues apologising for their unprofessionalism and my ex throwing me under a bus saying that I was a psycho and wouldn't let go of him, wouldn't leave him alone etc etc..total total untruths....
I also found out that my ex as a senior person in our company had sent a general email to all 746 members of staff wishing a happy Christmas and thank you for everything delivered that year - 746 members of staff bar 1. Me.
Then in a meeting yesterday when I presented he stared at the ceiling picking his nails and completely ignored me..

I know this shows him as being childish etc but it's upset me so much. I'm so embarrassed that one he has said complete untruths about me to colleagues, I'm upset that he now completely blanks me, I have no idea what I have actually done??
This behaviour mirrors how he acted when we broke up, he was vile to me.. I can't face all of that again...

I don't really know what I'm asking but I feel really upset, I just want to be able to do my job without stress or upset.

Is this still going on?! I remember your threads (which got deleted). It's a shame you didn't manage to get a job elsewhere, as people were advising at the time.

Really this situation should have been brought to the attention of senior management, if colleagues can't behave in a professional way at work. You were written off sick for weeks last time, if I remember rightly? And this is not the first time he's told you he hates you and been unpleasant.

I'm not sure there's much more we can say to you this time which will change things Either you carry on working at the place and carry on putting up with the situation, or you move on.

Happytravelling

I'd guess he is worried about what you could do or say to humiliate him so he's getting in first. Attack is the best form of defence, they say.