Am I totally unreasonable? (rant)

meer53

Just ignore her. She's not a child, if she wants to be anti social i'd leave her to it. My 15 year old daughter is moody. I just don't speak to her and tell her not to speak to me unless she can be civil. There's just the 2 of us at home, my son (who is 28) has been back here for Xmas and new year as he's just split from his girlfriend, we've had a lovely Xmas.

You have to set boundaries and make rules. Clothes in the laundry bin ? Thats where they stay unless they are brought down and put in the washer. Messy bedroom ? Stays that way, i've not made the mess, i'm not cleaning it up. I don't really care if they don't have clean clothes or a tidy bedroom, they're both old enough to do things for themselves, and eventually, they do ! Put up with moods ? No thanks, i get on with what i'm doing, if someone wants to be in a mood, they can do it on their own.

OP, you know what you have to do, it's not going to change unless you stop being a martyr. You can do it when "you blow", maybe you should blow more often ?

scooby088

meer53 wrote: »

Just ignore her. She's not a child, if she wants to be anti social i'd leave her to it. My 15 year old daughter is moody. I just don't speak to her and tell her not to speak to me unless she can be civil. There's just the 2 of us at home, my son (who is 28) has been back here for Xmas and new year as he's just split from his girlfriend, we've had a lovely Xmas.

You have to set boundaries and make rules. Clothes in the laundry bin ? Thats where they stay unless they are brought down and put in the washer. Messy bedroom ? Stays that way, i've not made the mess, i'm not cleaning it up. I don't really care if they don't have clean clothes or a tidy bedroom, they're both old enough to do things for themselves, and eventually, they do ! Put up with moods ? No thanks, i get on with what i'm doing, if someone wants to be in a mood, they can do it on their own.

OP, you know what you have to do, it's not going to change unless you stop being a martyr. You can do it when "you blow", maybe you should blow more often ?

My attitude exactly but not OH, oh well not everyones perfect :rotfl:

nearlyrich

It's far too late to change them after at least nine years of being over indulged by mum. House rules here started from them being old enough to understand that harmoniously living in a family means everyone does what they can. From primary school they knew if their dirty clothes didn't make it to the laundry basket they didn't get washed I can't remember ever having to fight about it. In their teenage years their bedrooms were not always spotless, the rules were shut the door, don't take food and drink upstairs and if any smells came onto the landing I would deal with the mess by chucking the lot in the bin. Never came to pass but I would have done it.

Person_one

I think its pretty common for older teenagers/young adults to regress a bit and fall back into childhood behaviour patterns when they come home from uni for the holidays.

They've been living in shared digs, coping with housemates, paying bills and being responsible for themselves for the first time which is often great fun but also brings new stresses with it.

When they come home they want to relax back into old patterns of being 'looked after' by parents and letting go, while parents are expecting that they'll have matured and be much more self sufficient/helpful, bit of a clash!

Mojisola

theoretica wrote: »

I would suggest that you now explain to them both what the house rules will be for when they graduate if they want to move back

I'd make that for the next time they come home from uni.

If you continue to treat them as children until they are 21+, it will be much harder for them to behave as adults at home.

FBaby

The issue is a difference in expectations. I guess you were looking forward to having them back and making a big deal of celebrating the holiday as a family.

They probably looked forward to coming home for some rest and catching us with friends. They enjoyed Christmas day with you celebrating the way that made you happy (would have been fine with something much more low key) but you didn't appreciate they made an effort to go along with your plans.

Your daughter probably has things going on in her life that you know nothing about and what happened at New Year's eve was hurtful for her. She is trying to get over it, but instead of being left alone to do so, you are pestering her, expecting her to be in a good mood because that is what would suit you, regardless of the fact that she is feeling rubbish.

What you need to appreciate is that they didn't just come home to visit you. They came HOME to be...at home, with you being part of it. Yes, it is a selfish attitude, but that's how young people see it and until they have their own place and family, they can't totally comprehend what it means to see your kids going away to Uni and how much you miss them.

Corelli

It seems to me that there are different expectations here. Your children's desire for time at home, possibly wanting to return to a time when they were taken care of, without the pressures of studying. You've been anticipating their company and also expected them to behave responsibly regarding cleanliness, laundry, washing up.

As you've realised, there really needs to be clear communication around this before you get to exploding point.

This can be a productive way of phrasing you needs: When you (for example; leave your clean laundry on the floor / spend very little time with me) I feel xxxxxx. Would you be willing to xxxxxx? Or, when you do X , I feel Y. Are you willing to find a solution that works for both of us?

It is no too late to start communicating clearly and assertively. Part of assertiveness though, is listening to what the other person has to say.