Am I totally unreasonable? (rant)

toffee'n'tom

Deleted. ..........

thorsoak

Sorry - you know that you have made a rod for your own back without us telling you - and it is only you who can change. Your children won't - they are what you have made them.

I do feel sorry for you - but unless you change you will always be the doormat.

pinkshoes

Let her wallow in her own filth and do nothing. She will snap out of it eventually. Just ignore her!

Ps - when home from uni, my parents made their expectations clear of what I was required to do. This meant there were clear rules.

Mojisola

toffeentom wrote: »

I also have to add that neither has hardly lifted a finger to help. I've washed their uni clothes, cooked their meals, cleared away etc etc etc. They've stayed in bed till way past mid day. Son then on PS4 and daughter on usual facebook.

Please no horrible comments about making a rod for my own back - I can't help the way I am - I just can't say no or be mean or hard. (except when I blow!!)

Well, if you really can't then you'll have to put up with them using you like a doormat.

You've created these young people and rewarded their poor behaviour. They won't change unless you do.

torbrex

I blame their mother.

midnightraven3

Parent of 3 uni students here

When they come home, the dynamic within the home changes, for sure
but, is it really worth making an issue out of? They are home for such a short time, I get to be OCD (genuinely, medically) the rest of the year, i have learned its not worth the precious time we have together and i can have harmony restored before they have arrived back at uni

If your daughter is sulking in her room, the rest of the house can carry on as normal, just dont pander to her
let her sulk
and she can do her own washing, like she does when she is away at uni. The bedding you can have in the machine soon as she is out the door

Pick your battles

duchy

Well she has missed the deadline for clean clothes so she either does them herself or takes them back to uni dirty.

As for wallowing in her room -it's her room and her time off - Shut the door - don't fuss over her or serve room service. Dirty cups/plates in her room -leave them there if she doesn't bring them down. Once she realizes her servant won't be doing it -she'll do it herself. If the mess in her room annoys you then tell her to keep her door shut.

KxMx

It's probably not what you want to hear but you've been given some excellent advice.

PlymouthMaid

A lot of kids returning from uni seem to slip back into child mode. My own daughter reappeared from her boyfriend's house yesterday after going off News Years Day. Since then she came out of her room for a meal and has been in bed since. She is actually doing some work too but I am sure there is plenty of sleeping and facebooking too. Her room is truly abominable and will remain that way until she sorts it as I have been there before and what a waste of effort it was. I do insist on food and dishes coming down promptly though. She is only back a couple of weeks a year so it really isnt worth it.

missbiggles1

toffeentom wrote: »

Just having a rant really. I've been a single mum of a son and daughter for 9 years - they're 20 and 18 now. Both have spent the grant total of 1 night at their father's place since we parted. I won't go into the last nine years but both are now at uni and have come home for christmas.

Not that this is very important but I've renovated and moved to a different house so everything is practically new and I'm very proud of it.

Christmas has been fine. I also have to add that neither has hardly lifted a finger to help. I've washed their uni clothes, cooked their meals, cleared away etc etc etc. They've stayed in bed till way past mid day. Son then on PS4 and daughter on usual facebook. In the meantime I've been back in work. Having said all that I haven't made any fuss as I just can't stand the moaning etc. We've been out shopping - i've bought both shoes and coats etc. Not complaining and not expecting anything in return apart from a happy famly. We've all got on that is until New Year's Eve when everything went pear shaped for my daughter - she was let down - no one else asked her out and ever since she has gone into one of her rare but famous moods and we've all suffered.

She's not spoken. Stayed in her room and generally made the atmosphere in the house unbearable. She's staying up watching movies and on facebook in bed until nearly the morning and sleeping until 3 in the afternoon. Neither can even be bothered to bring dirty clothes to the utility room. I issued a final ultimatum on clothes washing yesterday. Son nearly fell down the stairs with his - daughter stayed in bed (unmade but clean bed linen on the floor) and her dirty washing remains in situ.

Today I've snapped. All I want is a peaceful time and I just cannot put up with moods like this. Of course, again I'm the unreasonable one.

I've just about had enought but I can't bear this atmosphere or her returning to uni with this atmosphere.

It really is clear that the more you do the less well you're thought of. I feel like crying.

Please no horrible comments about making a rod for my own back - I can't help the way I am - I just can't say no or be mean or hard. (except when I blow!!)

Saying no isn't being mean or hard, it's being a good parent.

theoretica

She is a teenager - and will grow out of that!

I would suggest that you now explain to them both what the house rules will be for when they graduate if they want to move back - what keep will they be paying, full contribution to housework or perhaps doing it all to your standards if they are out of work/not paying full market rates...