I agree that it would be better to tell him the truth.
BUT if you are unwilling to do that, is there a way you can make up the "missing" £4K over the next few months without telling him? It sounds as though you have a baby so I appreciate that won't be easy, but perhaps you could do some eBaying, mystery shopping, online surveys etc? Treat it as if you were still trying to pay off debt.
Be careful not to slip into old habits. £14k windfalls don't come around very often!
Really in need of some advice. I've hidden from my husband that I'm in debt, it was accumulated before I met him and down to living beyond my means (on credit cards). I've been making the minimum payments each month and got it down to £8,000. Don't know how I thought I would ever repay it when I fell pregnant but my prayers have been answered and I'm getting £14,000 in redundancy money. I know I need to pay off my debts and get rid of this stress I've been living with every day. Now I've created another problem as I will have to explain to DH where the money has gone when we do come to use it (house deposit or something). I've told him I'm getting £10k so will need to find £4k somehow. What can I do? I can't tell him the truth as he will be so disappointed in me and I can't live with that thanks!
If I tell him I will damage my marriage, he has been very clear about what he thinks of people with debt. Our relationship is also quite strained at the moment with a new baby. I am adamant I want to deal with this myself and not tell him.
I'd play it like this:
1) Use the 'extra' 4k he doesn't know about to pay off some of the debt.
2) Have a discussion about the other 10k with your bloke and decide between you what you want to do with it. Suggest some high interest savings accounts. He'll probably like this idea and you'll be in his good books.
3) Put some or all of the 10k into a savings account and generate some interest.
4) Meanwhile - pay off the remaining 4k on the sly over the next few months/years. Make sure you are making more than the 'minimum' payments. 4k over a few years should be manageable.
5) Sorted. Go and buy some beer on a job well done.
Show him this thread.
If he responds well - the anonymous bod is trying etc, splendid.
If not, his take on marriage & fatherhood is not quite what we would hope.
Anyone actually doing something towards putting things right must be praised and their effort celebrated.
If the debt was accumulated before you met - is it such an issue for him to understand?
If you go to him with the problem AND a solution he will see how you're trying to settle things. If you only go to him with the problem (and the fact you've never told him before) he will be more upset and think you are not to be trusted.
Always best to be truthful and honest because if he finds out later that you've hidden such a big thing from him, he will wonder what else your'e hiding!
i worry that i am going to sound like some horrid judgemental finger wagging idiot, But.........
C'mon you know that this isnt right. If you have to lie and decieve to keep a relationship then that relationship is broken and not worth the saving. Tell him and if he starts, tell hin to stop being a pompous !!! and to get off his high horse!!
Due to my past behaviour i lied constantly about finances. It eventually spread to other things and by the end i wasn't really sure when i was even telling the truth anymore! That relationship died. I killed it with my lies. I am now in a place where i no longer lie about anything, ever. This has been tremendous for my self esteem and general outlook. That living with constant lies was one of the worst periods of my life and i'd never go back there.
On a personal level i would never leave somone for getting into/being in debt, but i almost certainly would to someone who lied to me over an extended period of time.
Its a horrid situation but life has taught me that you will rarely regret choosing truth over lies. Good luck.
£1000 Emergency fund No90 £1000/1000
LBM 28/1/15 total debt - [STRIKE]£23,410[/STRIKE] 24/3/16 total debt - £7,298
!
I'm with the "come clean" posters - sorry if that's not what you want to hear. The thing is, it's not just the debt and the redundancy you're lying about. The list is more like:
- the debt. From when you agreed to marry him and pool your assets and liabilities, you have mislead him as to your financial position.
- repaying the debt. To pay the minimum amount every month must be a few hundred pounds or thereabouts. So where does he think this money has been going? Is he expecting you to be saving this amount of your wage? In which case, it's a double whammy - not only have you hidden the debt, but you don't have the savings either.
- financial situation. To choose to bring a baby into the relationship, presumably you discussed finances with your husband and how this would work with you or him reducing hours, childcare etc. Any decisions made were based on the wrong figures as he did not know you owe £8,000. The same goes for any other decisions you have made as a couple - buying cars, new kitchen, holidays etc..
- redundancy money. You're bringing £14,000 into the relationship but only telling him about £10,000 of it.
- leftover funds after paying off debt. You'll only have £6,000 left if you pay off your debt when he expects you to have £10,000 (plus possibly some savings (see above)).
It seems like one lie after another to cover up the initial lie about the debt. When will it stop? If my husband lied to me once, we could possibly get over it, but to compound the lie and never at any point think he could be honest with me would be another matter. I wish you luck with whatever you decide.
I agree honesty is the best policy. It will come out at some point.
That said, if you are determined to cover it up why did you say you had £10k coming? Why not say 6k and then it would all have been paid of with 6k spare.
As this debt was accumulated before you met your husband and you have done so well to reduce it then I think I would explain to your OH and say you want to use your redundancy money to pay off the remaining debt and then will keep the £6k in a high interest account until such time as you need it. That makes the best financial sense unless the £8k is on 0% credit card deals. If he hates debt he should respect you for that and just say you have learnt your lesson and keep away from credit cards in the future.
If you are adamant that you will not tell him then say you are investing the redundancy in high interest current accounts as I assume you will be a non tax payer it makes more sense to keep in your name only. If you do not have a job and have just had a new baby then I think it will be a while before you need the money anyway as buying a house on one salary is very difficult unless you live in a cheap area of the country. By then hopefully you will have gone back to work and recouped some of it.
Personally though I would go with the first option.
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BUT if you are unwilling to do that, is there a way you can make up the "missing" £4K over the next few months without telling him? It sounds as though you have a baby so I appreciate that won't be easy, but perhaps you could do some eBaying, mystery shopping, online surveys etc? Treat it as if you were still trying to pay off debt.
Be careful not to slip into old habits. £14k windfalls don't come around very often!
I'd play it like this:
1) Use the 'extra' 4k he doesn't know about to pay off some of the debt.
2) Have a discussion about the other 10k with your bloke and decide between you what you want to do with it. Suggest some high interest savings accounts. He'll probably like this idea and you'll be in his good books.
3) Put some or all of the 10k into a savings account and generate some interest.
4) Meanwhile - pay off the remaining 4k on the sly over the next few months/years. Make sure you are making more than the 'minimum' payments. 4k over a few years should be manageable.
5) Sorted. Go and buy some beer on a job well done.
Progress 08/08/17: Owe £15,685.84
If he responds well - the anonymous bod is trying etc, splendid.
If not, his take on marriage & fatherhood is not quite what we would hope.
If the debt was accumulated before you met - is it such an issue for him to understand?
If you go to him with the problem AND a solution he will see how you're trying to settle things. If you only go to him with the problem (and the fact you've never told him before) he will be more upset and think you are not to be trusted.
Always best to be truthful and honest because if he finds out later that you've hidden such a big thing from him, he will wonder what else your'e hiding!
i worry that i am going to sound like some horrid judgemental finger wagging idiot, But.........
C'mon you know that this isnt right. If you have to lie and decieve to keep a relationship then that relationship is broken and not worth the saving. Tell him and if he starts, tell hin to stop being a pompous !!! and to get off his high horse!!
Due to my past behaviour i lied constantly about finances. It eventually spread to other things and by the end i wasn't really sure when i was even telling the truth anymore! That relationship died. I killed it with my lies. I am now in a place where i no longer lie about anything, ever. This has been tremendous for my self esteem and general outlook. That living with constant lies was one of the worst periods of my life and i'd never go back there.
On a personal level i would never leave somone for getting into/being in debt, but i almost certainly would to someone who lied to me over an extended period of time.
Its a horrid situation but life has taught me that you will rarely regret choosing truth over lies. Good luck.
LBM 28/1/15 total debt - [STRIKE]£23,410[/STRIKE] 24/3/16 total debt - £7,298
!
Truth is the best. He will love you more for that if you come clean.
Just tell him you're getting this much, but you have some debts to clear and then left with this much.
And when it's cleared off, take him out on a dinner. Enjoy these small happy moments.
- the debt. From when you agreed to marry him and pool your assets and liabilities, you have mislead him as to your financial position.
- repaying the debt. To pay the minimum amount every month must be a few hundred pounds or thereabouts. So where does he think this money has been going? Is he expecting you to be saving this amount of your wage? In which case, it's a double whammy - not only have you hidden the debt, but you don't have the savings either.
- financial situation. To choose to bring a baby into the relationship, presumably you discussed finances with your husband and how this would work with you or him reducing hours, childcare etc. Any decisions made were based on the wrong figures as he did not know you owe £8,000. The same goes for any other decisions you have made as a couple - buying cars, new kitchen, holidays etc..
- redundancy money. You're bringing £14,000 into the relationship but only telling him about £10,000 of it.
- leftover funds after paying off debt. You'll only have £6,000 left if you pay off your debt when he expects you to have £10,000 (plus possibly some savings (see above)).
It seems like one lie after another to cover up the initial lie about the debt. When will it stop? If my husband lied to me once, we could possibly get over it, but to compound the lie and never at any point think he could be honest with me would be another matter. I wish you luck with whatever you decide.
That said, if you are determined to cover it up why did you say you had £10k coming? Why not say 6k and then it would all have been paid of with 6k spare.
If you are adamant that you will not tell him then say you are investing the redundancy in high interest current accounts as I assume you will be a non tax payer it makes more sense to keep in your name only. If you do not have a job and have just had a new baby then I think it will be a while before you need the money anyway as buying a house on one salary is very difficult unless you live in a cheap area of the country. By then hopefully you will have gone back to work and recouped some of it.
Personally though I would go with the first option.
Save £12k in 2023 Challenge #8 £12,000/£6500
The 365 day 1p Challenge 2023 #1 £670.00/£100.00
The 365 £1 a day Challenge for Christmas 2023 #43 £1000/£400