How to help my parents feel positive about their age

Jagraf

I am lucky to have fantastic, relatively well parents who are in their mid seventies. They have always had a great social life and are really lovely to be around.

But recently some of their lifelong friends have started to become ill and this is really upsetting for everyone. Mum and dad are becoming grouchy with each other, and my mum says every time she goes to the doctors she comes back with more tablets (she had breast cancer a few years ago and now has osteoporosis).

some of their friends have also moved to be nearer their kids.

I really want to bring back a bit of a spark for them - they are going to Mexico with friends in January and still go out a lot, but I know my mum is low and that brings my dad down.

Any ideas?

pollypenny

Difficult to advise, especially as you say they have a great social life.

Three of my friends have moved to be near kids and I really miss them, others are tied up with grandchildren.

Are they finding something hard to manage, like the garden or is it a division of labour problem?

Jagraf

pollypenny wrote: »

Difficult to advise, especially as you say they have a great social life.

Three of my friends have moved to be near kids and I really miss them, others are tied up with grandchildren.

Are they finding something hard to manage, like the garden or is it a division of labour problem?

No they are physically ok - it's more a psychological thing or my mum gets cross with dad and says he's getting miserable (he's never miserable with us but I suppose she lives with him!). Mum goes out more than dad - she likes that and he likes his own company.

I suppose from my perspective I see their moaning at each other as a waste of life - they've been married for over 50 years it would be daft to keep arguing now!

Alikay

If some of their friends are getting ill or moving away, it may be that their social circle is getting smaller and making them feel down. Would they be interested in volunteering in any way? There are all sorts of opportunities in various fields, not just working in charity shops - websites like https://www.do-it.org have lots of opportunities listed. They probably have lots of skills and experience which could be useful, and they'll be meeting new people of all ages.

duchy

Jagraf wrote: »

No they are physically ok - it's more a psychological thing or my mum gets cross with dad and says he's getting miserable (he's never miserable with us but I suppose she lives with him!). Mum goes out more than dad - she likes that and he likes his own company.

I suppose from my perspective I see their moaning at each other as a waste of life - they've been married for over 50 years it would be daft to keep arguing now!

If they've always done it - they aren't going to change now !
If however your Mum has changed then it may be something else worrying her and she's using moaning as an outlet for her stress.

BrassicWoman

I would be very wary of trying to make someone else happy - you will go mad and they will still be grumpy!

PasturesNew

You won't want to hear it, but read this and just bear it in mind (for the future) .... my mum was quite "mean" to my dad. When he handed her a box of chocs for her birthday she just curled her lip at him, didn't even reach for them and looked away, telling him to put them on the side table. Then she 'spat' at me "Do you want those? I don't want them". All quite nasty. It turned out (this and other stuff of a similar nature that became a long-standing backbone of daily life) ... it was dementia.

Some of them get quite mean and nasty, spiteful, hateful.

It's just a thought that she might be heading that way.

System

Probably bot the best suggestion as its coming from me but they need some adrenaline in their life! Would they like to do a tandom bungee jump?

I think 70 odd is a good innings and when i hit that age i'm going to live life to the max when i was younger there was this old guy on our block who used to toot weed in his pipe and would let us do donuts on his mobility scooter. He was a legend around our area and always enjoyed himself

Savvy_Sue

Jagraf wrote: »

I suppose from my perspective I see their moaning at each other as a waste of life - they've been married for over 50 years it would be daft to keep arguing now!

duchy wrote: »

If they've always done it - they aren't going to change now !

Agree with this: my parents had the kind of relationship where there was an undercurrent of argumentativeness the whole time. I couldn't live like that. I don't think they meant most of what they said, but they didn't seem to have any better way of communicating.

duchy wrote: »

If however your Mum has changed then it may be something else worrying her and she's using moaning as an outlet for her stress.

Yup, this too. And you get a cycle of mutual worrying-but-not-talking-about-it going on.

You could cheerfully refuse to engage and try changing the subject, of course! We used not to ask Dad how he was very often, because the litany of aches and pains was too depressing for all us ...

pollypenny

It's interesting that your mum says that your is miserable, Jagraf. My two never see or hear the glass half empty guy that their dad is!

If it wasn't for me, he'd stay in every day except Saturday been he goes to watch rugby. I put a boot under him to go to U3A talks, which he then really enjoys. And this having a snooze in the afternoon drives me mad - acting like an old man!

It could simply be that your parents spend so much time with each other that they can seem a bit snippy.

Additionally, we South Walians tend to bicker, but it's meaningless.

maman

pollypenny wrote: »

Additionally, we South Walians tend to bicker, but it's meaningless.

Oh no we don't!!:D