Flo's Debt Free Diary

Florence_J

lcc86 wrote: »

Your bf sounds a bit like mine, sure they aren't the same person?!?! Lol

I know, I'm sure it's a common complaint.

I think the difference was our childhoods. He has parents who tend to do everything because they love helping people, even now they do a lot for us. My OH did have a part time job as a teenager and he does work hard, but when it comes to housework I don't think he ever had to do anything in that area in his childhood.

Whereas I did EVERYTHING housework wise as a child. Not wanting to go into the 'wah wah wah I had a bad childhood' territory there is no denying that I had a mum who was too drunk to do housework (there were a few occasions, and this is no lie, where i tidied up the house and she would pay me to say she had tidied up to my dad when he came home from work) and a dad who thought it was beneath him to do housework, leaving it to me and my brothers and more accurately to me because I have always wanted to keep the peace and my brothers didn't tidy up as much because they had me doing it, so they left me to it.

So i've kinda paid my 'women doing all the housework' dues, I've been through it once as a child/teenager, I'm not going to enter adulthood and parenthood with a partner who can't even fathom that he is not doing his share.

Not to be all Germaine Greer here but screw that.

I have my own dreams, I bend over backwards trying to give my boyfriend the time to paint and I never get the time to write.

What about my dreams?

I feel that my boyfriend thinks he has done enough for me-both financially and emotionally with my depression-that anything extra is just asking too much of him.

We've had one BBQ and another BBQ coming up this Friday, and at both of them it has been/will be 98% his friends. Yes they are my friends too, but I rarely see 'MY' friends as he doesn't think much of them, so they don't think much of him.

Grrrr, ok, that's enough complaining. He's a nice guy really, on the whole, he has done an awful lot for me. He's just flawed, in the same way I am. I am far from perfect myself. I just need to vent sometimes.

That's it for negativity now.

evkizzy

Hi Flo. I've been reading your DFD for a few weeks now. Thinking of starting my own as I'm in a similar predicament. I finally joined the forum officially as I really wanted to reply to your situation with your OH.
I'm not sure if it's just that a lot of guys who are attracted to strong women arw actually just children themselves. My partner has anxiety over a lot of things like ordering in restaurants, asking for things and talking to anyone where there may be a conflict. So naturally I'm the one doing the ordering/ organising/ complaints on his/our behalf but there comes a point where you have to say "okay, we love each other and we both need help". I've struggled with not working full time and having lots of part time jobs so our income has never been equal. I used to borrow money off him all tge time until we decided that tge fairest way to live was to divide the financial responsibilities and housework fairly.
We has a percentage based system. Eg. He earns 80% of our income so he pays 80% of the bills food rent etc. I'm self employed with lots of little part time jobs but more time so I do 80% house work. So effectively he is "paying" part of my share in exchange for my time "working" as a cleaner and chef. It works really well for us and has stopped me feeling guilty for depending on him for money as I am earning it and it's stopped me from resenting him for not contributing equally to the chores. It's just a suggestion but I hope it helps you come up with a better system than getting out of credit card debt only to get in debt with your OH which coukd cause resentment issues down the road. Best of luck to you and well done on your run. You're a great inspiration and I admire your focus.
Evy (evkizzy) x

Florence_J

evkizzy wrote: »

Hi Flo. I've been reading your DFD for a few weeks now. Thinking of starting my own as I'm in a similar predicament. I finally joined the forum officially as I really wanted to reply to your situation with your OH.
I'm not sure if it's just that a lot of guys who are attracted to strong women arw actually just children themselves. My partner has anxiety over a lot of things like ordering in restaurants, asking for things and talking to anyone where there may be a conflict. So naturally I'm the one doing the ordering/ organising/ complaints on his/our behalf but there comes a point where you have to say "okay, we love each other and we both need help". I've struggled with not working full time and having lots of part time jobs so our income has never been equal. I used to borrow money off him all tge time until we decided that tge fairest way to live was to divide the financial responsibilities and housework fairly.
We has a percentage based system. Eg. He earns 80% of our income so he pays 80% of the bills food rent etc. I'm self employed with lots of little part time jobs but more time so I do 80% house work. So effectively he is "paying" part of my share in exchange for my time "working" as a cleaner and chef. It works really well for us and has stopped me feeling guilty for depending on him for money as I am earning it and it's stopped me from resenting him for not contributing equally to the chores. It's just a suggestion but I hope it helps you come up with a better system than getting out of credit card debt only to get in debt with your OH which coukd cause resentment issues down the road. Best of luck to you and well done on your run. You're a great inspiration and I admire your focus.
Evy (evkizzy) x

Whilst I don't want to diminish what everyone else has ever said to me on here, as everyone's advice and comments have been wonderful, your post is probably the nicest I've received. Thank you for what you've said. I wish you good luck with everything. And i will think about what you've said.

Florence_J

I do remember though Evkizzy, that I have heard of the percentage system, and I suggested it to my boyfriend....and he said no. He didn't think it was a fair system.

I went to meet him at work to show I wanted to be friends, but we actually ended up arguing on the way home. I went to put away the clothes just so I could get away from him but I eventually came downstairs and told him we should talk about it maturely. I told him doing all the housework was affecting my job hunt time, so rather than do the maximum I could housework wise each day, I was going to do the minimum. He said that was fine, and he made dinner.

I don't think we've completely solved the problem, but it's a start.

reality_check

I do think if you're the person at home then you should be the one doing the food shop, cooking, cleaning etc....but I should have been born 50 years ago because I am all for the woman's role being the house keeper and men not doing anything lol only because I am an obsessive over cleaning, sorting out all the washing and I enjoy it...so I guess if I never did then would be a different story.When I worked full time and had 2 young kids and my husband also worked full time I done it all...probably more fool me!

I do wonder how my kids will cope, they don't do a thing and they are 22 and 19.

It is obviously an issue that is getting to you so my advice is to sit down with your bf and discuss how it is making you feel because if not it will build up and you'll explode...again that's just me!! xxx

Florence_J

Hi guys.

I have fallen in love....with running.

After my 10k last Sunday I had such a runner's high that I didn't want it to go away. So on Monday I went to my first session at a local running club, and yes I was the last person to finish the run (an embarrassing 1k), but I had a great time.

On Thursday and Friday I did a 3k each day, shaving off just over a minute on the second 3k time and today I have done a 5k jog/walk in 42 mins.

I know to seasoned runners these times would be something to feel embarrassed about, but I am proud and so happy that for the first time ever (probably) I have successfully completed a full week of training perfectly.

I want to do two more 10k 's this year. One in September and one in November. The November one is a trail race that goes up lots of hills and through woodland and by a Castle so it will be very scenic and very, very hard! So lots of training needs to be done.

I hurt so much after my jog today, but it seems to have passed now. Tomorrow will be a rest day for sure.

I'm out today with the OH's family as it is his parents 40th wedding anniversary today. I love them as much as my own family and want a marriage as long as theirs. Or my Grandparents who were together 65 years!

Just done a wash load so will put that out now, we're heading out soon after that.

Have a good day everyone.

Florence_J

Not much achieved so far, waking up at 9 feels really late to me, I did wake up at 6.30 but foolishly went back to bed, tomorrow if it happens I will get up straight away!

Watched TV, did the washing up, let in the maintenance man, sorted out my documents on my computer, just need to back up.

So far useful things have been done but nothing meaty and important. Will apply for some jobs after lunch.

It's running club today, woooooooo. I'm taking my OH along too, he needs to up his training, he's doing a half marathon this October! But he's a freak of nature. He did a half marathon this March in 2 hours 20 with very little training, and nowhere near the miles he should have done. He did admittedly end up in the St Johns Ambulance tent immediately after completing it though........:rotfl: but after 2 jam donuts he was fine.

I've become addicted to running/exercise, ok sure it's only been a week, anything could happen from now, but I had to take a rest day yesterday upon advice from others and I was so Bored!!!!!

I have lost 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks, 7 pounds over all. I am hoping to lose at least a pound this week, that will take me to the lowest weight i've been this year. If I lose two pounds it will be a new year record weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know now I will never go to a slimming club again, I do think they can work, and I think for some people they will be the perfect solution and I have had success with them in the past, but basically for the price of an app, decent scales and a good pair of running shoes and a supportive sports bra I can get everything I need.

I have football club, I have a running club, I have park run (i just need to brave doing it here), and all is good.

I am also considering whether I would join a gym again, I do like them for the weights machines, that's certainly something that is difficult to do at home in the same way (in terms of space and expense) but I don't really miss it that much. I can do classes through youtube, I have an exercise bike, I have everything I need for now.

My boy will be home for lunch soon, yey, I might have an omlette.

Not much to report at the moment.

evkizzy

It's good to report that things are going well or just ticking over steadily. Sometimes nothing to report posts are good for us following your thread so we know you're okay and that not every single day has to be an intense debt-busting one. Health and wellbeing are important too. I started my own DFD now and it's really encouraging to hear how others are doing no matter how insignificant the post may seem to the poster.
Keep up the good work.
Out of curiosity... how are you doing with your totals paid off?

Florence_J

evkizzy wrote: »

It's good to report that things are going well or just ticking over steadily. Sometimes nothing to report posts are good for us following your thread so we know you're okay and that not every single day has to be an intense debt-busting one. Health and wellbeing are important too. I started my own DFD now and it's really encouraging to hear how others are doing no matter how insignificant the post may seem to the poster.
Keep up the good work.
Out of curiosity... how are you doing with your totals paid off?

Hi Evkizzy,

I do need to update my totals but I am going to wait until this months minimum payments have cleared, I have paid 4 of them but 1 more still needs to come out. So this will be around mid month.

I haven't touched 3 of the cards all year, woooooo, my natwest card I recently put 4.97 on as I was buying time sensitive birthday presents and didn't have the money in my current account.

My Vanquis card is different. I have been using it since June and although it still has a large balance available on it, it has taken a pounding. Some of the purchases I wish I didn't have to make on the card-but can be justified and allowed (for instance purchasing the hotel accommodation for my friends wedding), whilst others, well......some purchases really weren't needed.

I have been buying mainly groceries with the vanquis card, but being 'between work' (not technically unemployed but quite close) means I have been bored. And I have been bought some clothes because of this boredom. Also being in the house all day means I see problems that I want to fix, so I buy things that before i would never have bought as I would have seen the value in saving for them, and living without.

August will be a big month for me. June was great, I made enough to pay my bills without borrowing money, I was proactive, I had job interviews, I was doing good.

I had some low moods in July at the start, it's only since the 10k race (call it an extreme and long runners high) that I have perked up and feel inspired and powerful.

I don't want another month like this where I spend a lot of money I don't have, I want to earn my money, I want to be proactive again.

The bills are getting paid, I'm still in control and one way or another I will find employment again, either through a reassignment in my last role or by a new role.

I've got big plans and I will make them happen.

Florence_J

Ooooh, by the way I am up to 11 NSDs!