Neither a borrower nor a lender be...

mandarinduck

OK, so I know the old adage is not to borrow or lend money. However, I do have a family member who, every so often, wants to borrow money. In prinicple I have no issue with this - as long as it is in the bank and 'free', I am happy to spare it for a short while and I do get it back, but not always as quickly as promised.

What I want to know is what happens if they say 'a few days' and this goes on for some time (as in weeks). A) When do you ask for it back and b) what do you say to avoid sounding snotty about it? And, if it isn't actually needed at that point (other than to earn interest in the bank) is it fair to ask it back before they offer it back? What if they need it more than me at that point?

More of a problem is that my OH feels I am being taken for granted whenever this happens and the longer it goes on for the more stuck in the middle I feel. Does anyone else have similar problems?

I know - I'm such a wimp!:D

mountainofdebt

To be honest it would all depend for me whether they were genuinely unable to repay it or whether they were just using me as an unofficial (and cheap!) bank.

Garnet_Gem

You'll need to say "no" the next time. You're always in the wrong if you ask for your own money back. (according to the person who "borrowed" it from you)

paddy's_mum

Couldn't agree more with Garnet Gem on this one. There does indeed come a time with persistent and tardy borrowers when you have to say "sorry - we've just contracted all our spare money for the next ten years into a timeshare/holiday home/high return additional pension/charitable trust/savings plan for needy children ....

Had this very issue only this past weekend when I had to phone a 'friend' for the return of my expensive Stihl hedgetrimmer, and one or two other valuable bits and bobs. They should have been returned in May! Needless to say, next time I am asked they are broken/away for repair/in use in our own garden/been sold at a carboot sale ...!

Debt_Free_Chick

mandarinduck wrote: »

What I want to know is what happens if they say 'a few days' and this goes on for some time (as in weeks). A) When do you ask for it back and b) what do you say to avoid sounding snotty about it?

Drop it casually into a conversation e.g. "Oh - I almost forgot - I need to buy <a new car> <a new breadmaker> <new shoes> whatever and I wondered when you might manage to repay that £50 (or whatever). No immediate hurry, but it would help with my budget".

And, if it isn't actually needed at that point (other than to earn interest in the bank) is it fair to ask it back before they offer it back? What if they need it more than me at that point?

For all sorts of reasons, mention it, even if you don't need it. Firstly, the borrower might think you've forgotten and that they've "got away with it". Or they might be in trouble and you need to give them an opportunity to explain. Or they might be simply crap with money, so your reminder will help them pay what they owe (at least what they owe you!).

If they need it more than you, then they probably have money management problems and that needs sorting. Whether they let you help or not is a different matter.

Anyway, it's clearly bugging you so you should take some action - even if it's just a gentle nudge at first.

mandarinduck

Hi everyone - thanks for all your comments - it has helped.

As it happens, an unexpected expense has now come up so I now face the scenario of digging into the savings to cover it or getting my money back, as it is a few hundred pounds.

Hopefully I can ask for my money back in this case without upsetting the apple cart too much but one thing's for sure, I think I need to find a way to say no in future!

davetrousers

If you know when (roughly) in the month when they get paid, soon after might be a good time to ask. As it is the end of the month a lot of people will be getting paid very soon.

chalky_75

I had a friend who I thought dealt with this type of situation brilliantly -

When asked " Can you lend me, for example £10 " she used to say "sorry I cant do that at the moment but I have got £2 you can have"

It seemed to diffuse the situation without any embarressment

davethetaller

The moral of this story (particularly to family),is NEVER lend what you are not prepared to lose. You WILL fall out over it.

Stephen_Leak

To quote Groucho Marx, "Never lend people money. Its bad for their health. It gives them amnesia".

I also like fellow MSE-er Mr Badexample's signature: "If you lend someone £10 and they never speak to you again, it was probably worth it".

missile

It seems that the person who lends the money is the one losing sleep over if and when it will be repaid.....