Divorce Advice

Mojisola

spend_or_save wrote: »

he keeps going the way he is, coming off a nightshift, travelling 30 miles to pick the kids up, travelling 30 miles back, having the kids all day, driving 30 miles to drop them off and then going 45 miles to his work for another nightshift (doing this 3/4 times a week)

FBaby wrote: »

I bet he knows that he is being a doormat, but he rather be that then lose out on seeing them.

Good on him.

Not if keeping contact in this way means that he is a danger to himself, his children and other road users.

He could also be risking his job if he's going without sleep for long periods. Whatever kind of emergency worker he is, he's not going to be making good decisions if he's sleep-deprived.

Jagraf

There are always two sides.

My ex moaned that he had to drive miles to pick up our DD - he moved away in the first place, so did your friend move away, or did she?

Is he paying above he amount he should be, or is it just that he thinks it is a lot?

I'm not trying o be difficult her (in fact, I'm a pwc and ended up in a lot of debt so that I didn't have to fall out with my ex as that old have been painful for DD).

I think you, naturally, will only be hearing his side. Like most divorced parents, he is working or looking after kids (exactly what I did, 24/7).

I have no advice, its a rubbish situation to be in, but divorce is rubbish

Can his parents help out if they are so worried? they could do some of the fetching / babysitting.

spend_or_save

FBaby wrote: »

Do you have children? Do you know what it is like to fear that you might lose the chance to see them? He probably already misses them dreadfully.

I bet he knows that he is being a doormat, but he rather be that then lose out on seeing them. The problem is that you are focusing on the fact that she should be punished for holding this over his head. You are right, but for him, making sure that he can continue to have regular access to his kids is his priority and I don't blame him.

At some point, the kids will be old enough to do as they wish and she will lose all control. Things come to those who wait and she will get what she deserves. In the meantime, he takes it all on the chin so that he can continue to enjoy and develop his relationship with his kids. Good on him.

Fbaby,

I dont disagree with your sentiment, and as i will freely admit, i despise my mates wife, but what happens to her is not my focus, i get why my mate is doing what he is doing, but i see him and how its affecting his life and KNOW he cant keep it up, he is permanently exhausted, has NO free time, its either work or Kids (this would be easier if they lived with him as it would cut out 120 miles per day (he picks up, takes home, drops off, goes home)

I am worried, along with his family, that he is either going to have an accident, driving or at work, or have a breakdown, if it was just a case that we thought the current situation is a bit unfair and my mates wife was taking the mick, i would probably have a word with my mate and if he didnt listen just leave it and let him get on with it, but we are genuinely worried if he doesnt get things sorted, both him and the kids will end up suffering.

spend_or_save

Jagraf wrote: »

There are always two sides. dont disagree

My ex moaned that he had to drive miles to pick up our DD - he moved away in the first place, so did your friend move away, or did she? she moved away

Is he paying above he amount he should be, or is it just that he thinks it is a lot? he admits to paying about 30% more than he is due to pay, but his family suspect he is handing over even more than this

I'm not trying o be difficult her (in fact, I'm a pwc and ended up in a lot of debt so that I didn't have to fall out with my ex as that old have been painful for DD).

I think you, naturally, will only be hearing his side. Like most divorced parents, he is working or looking after kids (exactly what I did, 24/7).i agree that i am biased, and without knowing the situation yourself you would naturally think there is more to it, however the only person interested in the kids best interests is my mate, his wife's main interest is herself, her lifestyle and how much money she can get.

I have no advice, its a rubbish situation to be in, but divorce is rubbish

Jagraf - his parents both work so struggle to help out as mcuh as they would like, his mother is actually talking about taking early retirement for exactly that reason, however his Father, is not happy about this as he doesnt see why his wife should quit a job she loves to help him when he wont help himself by starting divorce proceedings and getting things formalised in relation to child care and maintenance payments.

........................................................

FBaby

Not if keeping contact in this way means that he is a danger to himself, his children and other road users.

Remember that the roads are invaded by mums of newborns who go on on only a few hours a sleep a night for many months and somehow manage to drive ok. He is likely to be much more affected by sleep deprivation and the rest if he loses contact and got to worry about how he is going to find the money to take his ex to court.

The best way to help him is to tell him that he is doing great, that his kids will forever be grateful for the great dad he is and all the sacrifices he is making for them. Reassure them that things will get better. The least he reacts to her attitude, the quicker the anger will go, and when she got what she wanted/met someone else, she'll calm down with her demands and he'll have more of a life.

Jagraf

How old are the kids and does she work?

What a nightmare :eek:

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Remember that the roads are invaded by mums of newborns who go on on only a few hours a sleep a night for many months and somehow manage to drive ok. He is likely to be much more affected by sleep deprivation and the rest if he loses contact and got to worry about how he is going to find the money to take his ex to court.

As somebody who works a lot of night shifts, I'd say do not underestimate the impact sleep deprivation caused by shift work can have on your ability to drive safely. It can also have a huge impact on your ability to do your job properly, and when your job involves being responsible for other people's lives then it really really shouldn't be dismissed.

Shift workers do learn to manage on less sleep, but they should still take responsibility and not put others at risk, which is what the OP's friend is undeniably doing if he is working two nights in a row with NO sleep at all in-between and driving long distances too. Would you want the paramedic who comes out to your choking child or your mum having a stroke to be in that situation?

euronorris

Is it possible that he's avoiding the divorce proceedings simply because he doesn't want to be divorced? He may hold out hope for a reconciliation or even just despise the idea of being divorced?

Trying to get him to focus on practicalities when he's acting out of emotion won't work.

LannieDuck

spend_or_save wrote: »

he is permanently exhausted, has NO free time, its either work or Kids (this would be easier if they lived with him as it would cut out 120 miles per day (he picks up, takes home, drops off, goes home)

I don't know anything about divorce so wouldn't normally comment on this thread, but I wanted to point out that this is totally normal for parents of young children.

We have a 4yo and an 18mo. We're permanently exhausted (they do both sleep through the night now thank goodness, but we still have illnesses, teething, nightmares etc. I'm lucky to get a full night's sleep 50% of the time - I do most of the overnight childcare - while my OH has gotten up at 6am every day for the last two years.

We have no free time - we either work or we look after the kids. We've had a babysitter once since DD2 was born - that's the only evening out we've had in over two years. My parents were brave enough to look after both kids at the same time last month.. because we had to go sofa shopping! Oh the glamour :rotfl:

We don't do a 60 mile drop off / pick up, but we do both commute an hour each way each day.

It sounds to me as if your mate's priority is not losing contact with his children. I can understand that. If he's spoken to a lawyer, knows his options and what he should and could be doing, I would leave him to make his own choices. Give your opinion, but ultimately it's up to him.