Divorce Advice

VfM4meplse

spend_or_save wrote: »

I pointed out his pension and life insurance policy but would go to her but he has never done anything about it.

It seems to me that your friend is happy enough to maintain the status quo rather than go through the trauma of actually doing something about it. You could argue that he is trapped by indecision...or that this is his decision.

I know its difficult to stand by and watch whilst your friend is in this position, but ultimately its his life and his choice. Your friend's wife may well see you as an antagonist dripping poison into his ear at every available opportunity.

Step away from the situation, now.

benjus

spend_or_save wrote: »

He has said the lawyer has advised it would be best to have the seperation agreement, agreed and in place as part of the divorce.

I'm still not sure what is meant by "separation agreement" but if he's talking about childcare and financial arrangements, these are normally dealt with in parallel with the divorce process. As per my earlier comment, it's possible to divorce without them but it's not a good idea to skip the financial one; the childcare one is optional - if your friend can sort this out directly with his wife then that's fine.

However, there's no reason to wait until these are agreed before starting the divorce process. Once decree nisi has been pronounced the main paperwork for the divorce itself is over and getting decree absolute is just a formality (and waiting a few weeks). The financial and childcare agreements can be worded to take effect from decree absolute, so once they are settled getting decree absolute will both terminate the marriage and bring the settlements into effect.

FBaby

totally disagree FBaby, it doesnt have to be like it is and i think if he just pulled his head out the sand and tackled things with a bit more purpose he could get things on a much more level playing field.

Then maybe you are not best to advise him. If you were my friends, I would tell you to mind your own business, it has nothing to do with you. If your friend wanted to be confrontational, he would be. As it is, he has chosen not to be and that is his prerogative. I'm with him.

Pixie5740

Has your friend actually asked you for help or advice?

This is probably coming from a good place but your friend is an adult and has had proper legal advice, it's up to him to decide his next move.

spend_or_save

VfM4meplse wrote: »

It seems to me that your friend is happy enough to maintain the status quo rather than go through the trauma of actually doing something about it. You could argue that he is trapped by indecision...or that this is his decision.

I know its difficult to stand by and watch whilst your friend is in this position, but ultimately its his life and his choice. Your friend's wife may well see you as an antagonist dripping poison into his ear at every available opportunity.

Step away from the situation, now.

Thans VfM4, i think my mate is purely keeping the status quo as he is scared that if he rocks the boat, his wife will withdraw access again.

I must confess i wouldnt have anything good to say about my mates Wife, after how she has treated him, however i feel he has to realise he cant go on the way he is, the only person its suiting right now is is wife, and ultimetly if he doesnt change things, him and his kids will suffer.

spend_or_save

FBaby wrote: »

Then maybe you are not best to advise him. If you were my friends, I would tell you to mind your own business, it has nothing to do with you. If your friend wanted to be confrontational, he would be. As it is, he has chosen not to be and that is his prerogative. I'm with him.

I am not advising my mate to be confrontational, i am telling him he needs to get things sorted for the sake of his health and the kids best interests.

with regards it not being my business, i would agree directly its not, but when you see someone you have grew up with and been mates your whole life with, running themselves into the ground and living a pretty poor standard of living, purely because they are scared someone might stop them from seeing there kids, i feel you should try and help them.

You only seem to have quoted the top bit of my post, what about the section that points out the hoops my mate is jumping through just to see his kids, you really think that is something that can continue and have a happy ending?

spend_or_save

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Has your friend actually asked you for help or advice?

This is probably coming from a good place but your friend is an adult and has had proper legal advice, it's up to him to decide his next move.

He asks for my opinion, his family have also asked me to speak to him and try and get him to sort things out, as they are all worried about him burning out if he keeps going the way he is.

As i say the fear is he is not listening to anyones advise, including his lawyers, as he fears as soon as a legal proceedings are instigated by him, his wife with stop him getting access to the kids.

We are just trying to help him and let him know it cant go on the way it is, no one is interfeering for the sake of it.

Mojisola

spend_or_save wrote: »

I am not advising my mate to be confrontational, i am telling him he needs to get things sorted for the sake of his health and the kids best interests.

with regards it not being my business, i would agree directly its not, but when you see someone you have grew up with and been mates your whole life with, running themselves into the ground and living a pretty poor standard of living, purely because they are scared someone might stop them from seeing there kids, i feel you should try and help them.

A PWC who withdraws contact with the children from the other parent is being abusive towards the other parent and the children.

The other parent can be too frightened to stand up for themselves because they value their time with their children so much.

Your friend is lucky that he has your support but he needs to take a stand and get things sorted out legally. He could get advice and support from men who have through this on https://fnf.org.uk/

spend_or_save

benjus wrote: »

I'm still not sure what is meant by "separation agreement" but if he's talking about childcare and financial arrangements, these are normally dealt with in parallel with the divorce process. As per my earlier comment, it's possible to divorce without them but it's not a good idea to skip the financial one; the childcare one is optional - if your friend can sort this out directly with his wife then that's fine.

However, there's no reason to wait until these are agreed before starting the divorce process. Once decree nisi has been pronounced the main paperwork for the divorce itself is over and getting decree absolute is just a formality (and waiting a few weeks). The financial and childcare agreements can be worded to take effect from decree absolute, so once they are settled getting decree absolute will both terminate the marriage and bring the settlements into effect.

Thanks benjus,

the seperation agreement he has shown me is an actual document with a list of conditions, which would be an apendix if you like to the divorce and referenced within.

As i say he seems to be using this a reason to not start the full divorce proceedings, however as you point out, the items within this will be dealt with through the divorce proceedings anyway!

FBaby

Do you have children? Do you know what it is like to fear that you might lose the chance to see them? He probably already misses them dreadfully.

I bet he knows that he is being a doormat, but he rather be that then lose out on seeing them. The problem is that you are focusing on the fact that she should be punished for holding this over his head. You are right, but for him, making sure that he can continue to have regular access to his kids is his priority and I don't blame him.

At some point, the kids will be old enough to do as they wish and she will lose all control. Things come to those who wait and she will get what she deserves. In the meantime, he takes it all on the chin so that he can continue to enjoy and develop his relationship with his kids. Good on him.