How did it happen?

Lost_Sparkle

How did I become one of those women who knows nothing about the family finances? I used to work, and we had a joint account to pay all the bills from, most of which were in my name until we moved house 10 years ago. Now I can't go out to work (can't leave the house at all more often than not due to anxiety issues) and have no access to my husband's bank account from which all the bills are paid. He tells me things are sorted so it doesn't make my anxiety worse, but then we get letters through the door like the one that came this morning and it all spirals out of control!

A couple of years ago my husband lost his job and, although up till that point we were debt-free apart from our mortgage, we had no savings to speak of and they disappeared very quickly and we ended up not being able to pay the bills. My parents lent us money for food and the mortgage but obviously everything else stacked up. We've been paying extra on the direct debits where we can and I thought we'd got it back under control. Yesterday we had a letter from the water supplier which I haven't actually read as he opened it and said he would take it to work today so he could ring them - which probably means it's nothing good - and then today we had someone hand deliver two demands from Grosvenor on behalf of EDF which, combined, come to about £5,000!

We have been paying EDF £156 per month but when my husband rang them to see what the problem was (he got nowhere with Grosvenor who just kept saying we owed it and would have to pay the full balance immediately) they told him that despite it being paid every month the account was still going up. HOW? We can't possibly be using more than £156 worth of gas/electricity a month, can we? We've had no heating for the last 3 years as we can't afford to replace our boiler and we aren't eligible for any of the government schemes, and the only gas we've been using has been the hob yet they still say we owe over £600 for that.

I can't see how we can get ourselves out of this mess and would really appreciate any help anyone can give me. My husband has a habit if telling me what I want to hear, which is why I started opening all our mail but, as everything is in his name, I can't deal with it myself and my anxiety issues prevent me from going with him to the CAB or anywhere.

Blue_Bird

Hi,

it sounds like you need to sit down and talk to your husband, get it all out into the open. It sounds like he's trying to protect you, but in doing that he's making you anxious about what you don't know! As Martin says, there's no debt problem that can't be solved, so reassure your husband that whatever is going on, you'll get through it as a team. That doesn't have to mean going to CAB with him, it means you can support him in other ways.

Are you getting any help to manage your anxiety? I can't imagine how it must feel to live with it.

Stick around and there will be people much more experienced than I that can give more practical advice.

Best wishes,

Blue

Lost_Sparkle

Thank you.

I'm sick of trying to get him to talk about it. He just won't do it, just keeps telling me he'll sort it or it will be fine and, having no access to anything, I can't do much until something like this crops up.

My anxiety has been an ongoing thing since I was a child (I'll be 40 in Dec) but was pretty much under control till about 5 years ago. Since then it's been one thing after another going wrong (losing family members, husband losing his job etc) and with each thing it has got worse. I think I have left the house about 4 times this year so far and one of those was a trip to A&E with a kidney stone. That was back in July and the last time I went out. I've had hypnotherapy and seen a psychotherapist in the past, both before it got this bad, but neither worked for long and not being able to go and see a doc really limits my options!

YORKSHIRELASS

Hi

I have suffered with anxiety too and being kept in the dark about things like this really wont be helping. I would be saying to your hubby that at the very least you need to know exactly how much is coming in and going out every month so that you can either be reassured that things are under control or start to make plans to get things straightened out. I think as one half of a married couple you have the right to know this.

Without being unkind it sounds like your hubby is either burying his head in the sand or has just got himself into a complete mess and doesnt know what to do. Either way you need to be working at this together. Some straight talking is needed I think and it might just be a question of taking a deep breath and saying what you need to say.

Have you every investigated benefits for yourself? If your anxiety is very severe you might be entitled to PIP.

There is loads of helpful advice on here, keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

LittleMissDetermined

Hi Lost Sparkle

I was saddened to ready your initial post, some of it resonates as I too suffer from anxiety. I seem to have it under control at the moment but it spikes and I totally lose it.

I agree that you need to have a frank conversation with your hubby, he may think he's helping you by trying to sort things by himself but if this is causing you angst anyway as you're left in the dark it's pointless.

A problem shared is a problem halved and all that... maybe sit him down and let him know how you're feeling?

Really hoping you do get something sorted and sending you cyber hugs

LMD x

Lost_Sparkle

Thank you both.

Yep, burying his head in the sand is usually his way of dealing with things! I am waiting for him to get in from work so I can tackle him about it again but I know how it will go. Been there, done that numerous times before.

He did ask about us getting help with benefits because of my anxiety but was told that I needed to see a doctor before anything could be done and I just can't go there. I get so wound up if I know I have to go out that I end up shaking and all sorts. Even thinking about it sets me off sometimes. I have tried telling myself to just push through it, and the logical, rational side of me knows that there is nothing stopping me, but sometimes even just going out to hang the washing on the line is beyond me let alone going into town to the docs. I know I'm not the only one to suffer with it but it does feel that way a lot of the time and you're right, all this financial worry is definitely not helping!

LittleMissDetermined

Is there any way you could arrange for a doctor to visit you at home for a proper diagnosis? There must be ways around it? Certainly worth a call to enquire.

When it comes to anxieties there's no rationale... I get that so completely understand.

Might be better to tackle hubby in the morning as there's nothing good about going to bed on an argument/heated debate?

Lost_Sparkle

That made me smile. If you knew him you'd be smiling too. He is so NOT a morning person! He has to leave for work about 8 and generally gets up leaving himself just enough time to get washed, dressed and out the door.

Our docs surgery is pretty useless at home visits although I do think something needs to be done, I can't go on like this, it's getting silly. I will see if my Mum can try and sort them out for me - I struggle even using/answering the phone too and generally do everything online if I can.

LittleMissDetermined

Whilst I am pleased I made you smile I am truly sorry for your situation and really hope you can make some inroads with both your health and your finances.

Keep your chin up and I hope your mum can arrange something with the docs.

LMD xx

crazy_cat_lady

Can't you get a home visit from a doctor if you really can't get out of the house? I don't know much about it but I would have thought that is still possible. I can't imagine how bad it must be in your situation - my husband is in a similar situation at the moment and I have had to physically help him into the car to get to the doctors. First time I shielded him from the financial worries and ran up a load of debt - I'm not doing that this time. I don't want to parent him this time - I want him on equal footing with me. I'm sure that your hubby thinks he's helping, but he really isn't.... I wish you luck with it.

ellen_vannin

Is it possible for you to register for on-line banking,
then you can see what's what instead of asking hubby?
If it is not a joint account maybe you should open one if possible?

I agree with the earlier posters doctors in our area will do home visits if you can't go out. Some surgeries can be contacted by e-mail which may be easier for you?