Old and ill parents.

itsanne

I would add to the above would be that it might be worth having another word with your doctor, not about your mum as such but about what all this means for your dad. Even where he is concerned, I can understand why you are worried but he is choosing to act as he does.

Moving out is the best thing you could have done. If the weekly visits are difficult, reduce them, telling your mum why. Then it's over to her to change.

TBagpuss

Do not let yourself be bullied or blackmailed into doing more than you are comfortable with.

Do not feel that you are bound by the 'promises' which your mother has forded you to give. If you feel able to do so, speak to her next time you see her when she is sober, expalin tath while you love her and your dad, you cannot give her any promises or guarantees about what may happen in the future. If she is receptive, you could suggest to her that she talks to her GP about her alcohol dependecy and other health issues (don't suggest to her that they are not real, focus on encouraging her to seek appropriate help)

In future, you can then reflect back on that initial conversation, so next time she brings it up, you phrase it as a reminder "remember mum, we talked about this. It's very unlikely that I'd be able to move in to look after you, but if you needed care your GP would be able to help with referrals so you had the appropraite support, and of course Brother and I would do what we could to help with any applications you might need to sort out benefits and so on"

If she talks about her health issues then it's Ok for you to reflect hat back to her, too - e.g "Sory to hear you've been having a bad time. What did your GP say when you saw her abpout it?....Oh, you haven't spoken to your GP? Do call her and get an appointment as soon as you can, that way she''ll be able to advise you propely"

So you are not unsympathetic, you just don;t exhaust yourself trying to find all of the answers.

You could also suggest, separately, to your Dad that he make enquiries about any extra help they may be entitled to.

decide for yourself what you are able and willing to do, and keep to it. If you can onlygo once a week, go once a week. If your mother complans, tell her that you enjoy seeing them, too, but you are busy and can't make it more often. If she is agressive or abusive, leave at once.

Don't reward her for bad behaviour. If she is nasty, walk out. If she asks you why you left, tell her it ws becuae she was abusive to you, and that you are no longer going to tolerate that. Then stick to it.

One of two things will happen. Either she will learn that you mean what you say, and that being nasty = less contact and less support, in which case she may start to change her behaviour (at last towards you) OR she will continue to be as unplesant but you will suffer less, as you will be leaving as soon as it starts (and perhaps choising to leave longer gaps between vistis) in which case things will improive for *you*.

You can still talk to your dad and brother and arrange to spend time with them separately if need be. Hpowever, ultimatelym they are adults and if they chose to stay, or not to make changes for themselves, then you cannot make them do so. All you can do is leave the channels of communication open.

It sounds as though your mum is used to putting herself first and expecting eveyone else to do as she says. She has years of practice in manipulatiing you and your family and making you feel guilty, so keep telling yourself that just because she tells you something does not mean it is true,. You are not Selfish, or a bad son, or mean, or ungrateful, if you chose to live your own life, not hers.

You don't 'owe' her anything. You are not obliged to care for her at the expense of your own life.

Trek_girl

I have a relative who was injured in an accident. The daughter was in her twenties at the time her mother was injured. She sabotaged her daughter's relationships and insisted the daughter was selfish whenever the daughter did anything the mother did not like. Examples included going on holiday without her. The daughter is now in her 40s, single with no kids and a full time carer for her mum. both are miserable.

Don't let that be your story.

crossstitchamy

I wont let it happen dont worry about that. ive made the first step by leaving. Its just as and when plans now i suppose even if she doesnt like them. The dr also did say if she has a paddy and throwing things about , he said let her carry on. She can throw things about doesn't mean people are gonna do what she wants us to do.
thanks again.

margaretclare

How much did you say she weighs? Dress size can mean anything depending on height etc.

I agree with the other comments. Just to put a warning on the possibility/probability of hip or knee replacements. There have been noises made in some quarters about limiting these in the case of people who are voluntarily obese. I've heard it said that these types of very expensive surgery should only be offered with the proviso that the person loses weight and becomes fitter. Certainly, any surgery carries risk and an unhealthy/overweight person is at more risk than the average.

The last time I had any surgery, about 8 years ago now, I was told very firmly to lose 10% of body weight before it could even be contemplated. Things have moved on since then, the NHS is even more short of money and may be quietly being more selective in the case of those who don't want to help themselves.

Do not in any way involve yourself in lifting, moving etc - this is a skilled job and you could cause yourself permanent damage.

The other thing is, of course, that your parents are in no way as 'old' as you think. At 67 I was getting remarried, that was almost 14 years ago...

System

My Mother clung on to me after the death of my Father. She did it again after the death of my Step Father. I wouldnt have minded but she was nasty with it, demanding, used cruel choices of words and was awkward.

I never did understand why she clung on to me so tightly when she didnt appear to like me very much but being on my own Monday through to Friday i can see how easy it would be to fall into that path..... Loneliness, stubborness, feeling sorry for herself and not wanting to help herself. All feelings ive felt recently.

Hell will freeze over before i try and control my kids like my Mom did me.

moneyistooshorttomention

crossstitchamy wrote: »

i cant remember why but the dr says no way for sectioning.

As I recall - someone can only be sectioned if they could be either a "danger to other people" or "a danger to themselves".

I've been in a position where I persuaded a doctor NOT to section someone who was very anti the idea.

I said I was absolutely categoric they wouldn't be a "danger to other people" (ie they wouldn't kill or injure someone else).

I said it was my analysis that they were unlikely to be a "danger to themselves" (ie commit suicide basically).

So - though your mother is definitely having an effect on your mental wellbeing - they wont section her because it is deemed she wouldn't actually physically kill you.

From her own pov - though she is neglecting her health (as did my friend) - it has been deemed she wont actually kill herself. They don't count neglecting your health as killing yourself (ie because its a very slow process/taking years and so many people neglect their health) that they would be sectioning half the population if they did that iyswim.

***************

From the location you give and your father having "farmers lung" - then I am guessing you are in a part of the country where people are MUCH more family-centred than I've ever been used to seeing. Do NOT let that influence you. It's easy for some of us to say - ie because we come from parts of the country where people live much more as "individuals" (rather than as part of a family). But do take a leaf out of our books and don't let this way of thinking "pull you down" into ruining your own life.