Old and ill parents.

crossstitchamy

Hi all,

Well i don't know where to start with this. i think this is going to be a little long.
At the age of 30 i've just moved into my own place. It took a lot of pursuading to get my mother to sign/release my savings bond for me to get there. Basically cos she says she would miss & worry about me.

It maybe she would be missing and worrying about me. But i think she is more worried about the fact that plans for her future is not going as she would like. Yes, it does sound a bit blunt lol.

Well my dad is 77 and she is 67. My dad has had about 3 heart attacks in his life and got farmers lung. He's had a quad truple heart bypass surgery. My mum has claimed for years that shes got M.E and then wasn't sure if shes got that or M.S.
She has something different wrong with her everyday. Definatly a hypochondriac who uses the internet to diagnose herself and tell the doctors what she has.
At the moment she says she's got Coeliacs disease. not forgetting the IBS and god knows what else.
But a whole bottle of wine apparently settles her stomach and she calls herself 'Alcohol dependant'. Which i know she's not cos she has done without it plenty of times.
She can be very nasty when shes had a drink when shes on meds too, i dont think i know anyone who she hasn't upset!
She is Always in her bedroom laying on her bed, hardly ever dresses and the only time she goes out is to the drs. yeah, shes got depression.

As we have the same Dr ive tried to talk to him about it all. But to no avail. Apparently shes got to want to do it. But thing is she doesn't want to do anything! all she does is sell a few things on ebay.
So my dad runs around after her, takes her food up, yes it should be the other way around!
and my brother is there to ,but no help.
I had to leave them cos of my anxiety disorder and couldn't handle it when she's had a drink and none of them listen to me and only moan and dont take any advice off me.

With what i said earlier about her plans may not be going to go as she'd likes. She wants me and has made me promise to look after her when she gets worse! :shocked: She has the impression i would look after her like my dad did with her mum. Yes my dad looked after her mum too. Thing is they have had kids, and had a life and when mum was 50 they went to look after my nan. well i havent had a proper life yet or kids , and it wont be long before she does get old and worse.
So how the heck am i gonna sort this situation? Tried every suggestion under the sun, as i say she doesnt even listen to the dr everything comes across as negative from her. My dad doesnt want home help or anything as he doesnt want social services involved. and i dont want him to worry.
I understand she is obviously ill, but not in the way she sees it.

crossstitchamy

ps i was only a kid when they looked after my nan x

elsien

What's your question?
How to help mum now? You can't, unless she wants help. Her GP is aware of the issues and can monitor.
Your promise to look after her in the future? An honest conversation about what is realistic, not promises you don't mean that you've been pressured into.
I know it's not easy - I've had a similar conversation with a parent, and I am just not cut out to be a carer for a parent. Not without turning into a granny batterer.
Plus you are not an only child. Where does your brother fit into all of this?

onomatopoeia99

This is a bit blunt, which is not really me at all, but it sounds like you are being emotionally blackmailed and that is wrong.

You're 30, you need to live for yourself and more importantly, your mother should encourage you to do so, not try to impose a role reversal onto you making you the carer. What if you were to have a family of your own? Your children would have to take priority then.

I'd suggest moving much further away so you can't always be popping round there. A two-three hour each way jourmey might make her value your visits a bit more, and if she doesn't, there's always caller ID so you can avoid telephone calls.

We can choose our friends, we can't choose our family, but that doesn't mean you have to be at their beck and call at the expense of your own happiness. Any family member that actually cared about you wouldn't expect that, anyway.

crossstitchamy

Thats what i want being realistic. i wanna know what will happen in the future. well ive tried that and said well what about my future. you know jobs, etc. but she had seemed to blank that bit out and made me promise her, i had no option. Plus she is a very large lady a size 24 . im only very petite. I would love to help here and there. But im not born to be around mammy and daddy all my life. and she will take it for granted and rely on me more. She needs proper help. and thought there should be a way around it other than her make a decision on whether she needs help . and i cant remember why but the dr says no way for sectioning. My bro doesnt help . he actually goes down and get the wine for her and stays in his bedroom all day. and my dad cant be doing all this either.

crossstitchamy

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

This is a bit blunt, which is not really me at all, but it sounds like you are being emotionally blackmailed and that is wrong.

You're 30, you need to live for yourself and more importantly, your mother should encourage you to do so, not try to impose a role reversal onto you making you the carer. What if you were to have a family of your own? Your children would have to take priority then.

I'd suggest moving much further away so you can't always be popping round there. A two-three hour each way jourmey might make her value your visits a bit more, and if she doesn't, there's always caller ID so you can avoid telephone calls.

We can choose our friends, we can't choose our family, but that doesn't mean you have to be at their beck and call at the expense of your own happiness. Any family member that actually cared about you wouldn't expect that, anyway.

yep This is the thing. I moved away and now i do feel a bit selfish lol but i had to get away to get my life together. Well since i moved i dont go there as often. I have no time, with work and stuff and my own problems and health. I only go there about once a week after ive taken my dad shopping . I've been up my flat for 3 months now and she hasnt visited me once where her friend can bring her up and could easily just park outside

elsien

If she has capacity to make her own decisions then there is no way of forcing her to accept help. People have the right to make bad choices. If your dad and brother choose to enable her, that's a dynamic they need to sort out for themselves. It would only be if there was a safeguarding/neglect issue around someone who was not well enough to help themselves that other agencies would step in.
You do have a choice. You are an adult. You can say no. If she tries to bully you then withdraw until she stops. It's not going to change until you are able to be more assertive.

aggypanthus

Well done for breaking away. Its your time to build your own life.

Freeraine

She has made you promise to look after her and, quite rightly you are resenting the fact that the promise was extracted under extreme pressure by your manipulative mother (and cross with yourself for not being more assertive).

In your own mind, you know that her wishes are never going to be granted. You have a very good understanding of your mother's many conditions (if they exist) and are no fool. You have your own life, dreams and ambitions that you need to fulfill, (and which any decent parent would back wholeheartedly)

Practically, there is no way on earth that a petite woman can attend to the physical and personal needs of someone who is obese, single handedly - in nursing homes, the staff use hoists and various contraptions to help with lifting and moving because they would injure themselves otherwise.

Most importantly, if she knows that she can depend on you whatever happens in the future, then that will be the green light for her to become even more of an invalid now. Subconsciously, she may be to looking to give your father a break and replace him as the main carer now or in the very near future, so her conditions will (surprise, surprise) worsen. .

I think there are a couple of ways that you can extricate yourself and leave your mother in no doubt that you're not going to look after her.

The first would require a showdown. You say that she is nasty and says vile things when in drink, so it wouldn't be very difficult to interrupt her bile with words like: "You know that promise I made to look after you if you deteriorated? Forget it."

The second way would be to just get on with your life and keep busy doing all the things a 30 year old ought to be doing. If, by any chance, over the next couple of years, she has some surgical procedure (hip or knee replacement is common for overweight people in their 60s), then when your mother is planning her recuperation at home, remind her that she needs to employ a carer, or pay nursing home fees, because you are unavailable.

Good luck!

crossstitchamy

Thank you some very good suggestions. I guess i needed to air it out for more answers. Even in work they say its the best thing ive done is move out. thank you all xx

VfM4meplse

crossstitchamy wrote: »

Thats what i want being realistic. i wanna know what will happen in the future. well ive tried that and said well what about my future. you know jobs, etc. but she had seemed to blank that bit out and made me promise her, i had no option. Plus she is a very large lady a size 24 . im only very petite. I would love to help here and there. But im not born to be around mammy and daddy all my life. and she will take it for granted and rely on me more. She needs proper help. and thought there should be a way around it other than her make a decision on whether she needs help . and i cant remember why but the dr says no way for sectioning. My bro doesnt help . he actually goes down and get the wine for her and stays in his bedroom all day. and my dad cant be doing all this either.

Siblings should be pulling together at a time like this, but this doesn't seem to be happening with you and your brother. He is in situ and contributing to the problem, just leave him to it.

Although I do have sympathy with your father!