Struggling with life after break up

mariposa687

Last year I split up with my ex, fast forward to May this year and we got back together. That didn't work out and he broke up with me a month ago. We didn't want the same things, I wanted commitment which he wasn't prepared to give me after 4 years together.
The last time we split up I was devastated but got through it somehow, I became more confident and more sociable.

This time feels completely different. If you've seen my previous thread you'll see I supported him through unemployment for a while etc. What broke us up was that I eventually wanted to move back home and he wasn't prepared to come with me. We tried to agree on a compromise (mid way between both families.) but that wasn't enough for him. I still don't understand why if he loved me as much as he said he did, he wouldn't at least try. Towards the end he acted like I was getting in the way of him getting on with his life, he made me feel like I was second best.

I feel like he has everything the way he wants it down here (London), friends family hobbies,a job he likes etc and I don't really have much. I never really made many friends here as I made the mistake of neglecting that side of things because I had him. I could move back home and get another job, I don't have too may friends there either so I'm not sure what to do. I guess I just wanted to get this out as I am feeling so hopeless that my life will get any better after this. All I do is go to work and come home at the moment. I lack the motivation to do much else. It's killing me that he can go on with his life as if I wasn't there and I have to start again.

I've tried going to Pilates classes etc but the problem is nobody talks to each other at these things so not really a way to get to know people. Maybe that's just London I don't know.

Does anyone have any tips to help me through this? Some days I really don't think I can get through this. I feel so alone and sometimes it takes all the strength I have to not to burst into tears at work and hold it together.

abundantia

Have you ever tried local meetups? (meetup.com) Or interest-based ones? I met some interesting people like that, but in my case I don't have time to cultivate those friendships.

Other than that I don't have much advice, just that it's normal to go through a period of grief after breaking up. Try do get out of the house as much as possible, do things that are relaxing or enjoyable for you, and... give it time. I know it's easy to say but if you were 'second best' perhaps he wasn't the one for you.

Read this... it might help http://goo.gl/ksXxIJ

Best of luck.

daytona0

Yep, I've got a tip.

Think back to the first split up and then take the following action:

1. Continue doing what you were doing

2. Don't even contemplate getting back together if you can't compromise.

In all honesty but this bloke sounds like he has done little wrong except for wanting to pursue his dreams and ambitions. You may see it as a compromise to move halfway, for example, but maybe he doesn't want to move there? You can hardly force him to do something which he doesn't want to do. Also, why is your own happiness so dependent on this guy? Have you ever dated other guys? Had a bit of fun? Met some people local to your home town (which seems to be important to you) and got on with them?

But alas you are probably very upset now, and I can only advise you to keep soldiering on. Life is a grind for everyone at times, and we all feel the burn of the hurt. Things will improve, but you also have to make the effort to make improvements too. There is little that strangers on a forum can do aside from giving you pointers, all of the work needs to be done by you.

Good luck.

mariposa687

I am trying to be positive but it's just not sticking at the moment. I never wanted to get in the way of his dreams etc,. I wouldn't do that to someone least of all someone I loved that much. We did kind of want the same thing except I didn't want to settle down here and he did. I always supported him even when I had to pay for everything when we lived together and he didn't have a job.

It was my first relationship so I've never really been through this before. I feel like I am trying but it's hard to get to know people when nobody down here seems to want to talk. I'm not interested in dating for dating's sake, I want to settle down but I know I can't have that right now and that really hurts.

selloptape

It is hard going through a break up but time is a great healer (sorry, I know it's a cliche). I split from my partner late last year and still think of him every day however after a few months I new that it was the right thing to happen even if it seemed awful at the time (and still sometimes does). Just try and stay strong, you will get through it and there will be sunnier days ahead!

How about looking for a bar job, one night a week? You could apply to bars where you'd like to hang out and you think you might have something i common with the customers/staff (or cafe/cinema/shop if you don't drink). Loads of oppurtunities to get chatting. Also volunteering is a lovely way to meet people, and there are countless oppurtunities in London.

Hope you feel better soon

mariposa687

Thanks for the tip about a second job. I hadn't really thought of that and it sounds like something I could do.

Also helps to talk to someone else who has been there too.

onomatopoeia99

Agree with others that time makes a big difference and it gives perspective. Bear in mind that we all need different amounts as well, after my ex left me I met someone a couple of years later and it was too soon for me, I fell headlong for her and messed it up completely as I should have realised I wasn't what she needed for a long term relationship. That actually hurt more, despite us being together a much shorter time.

So, I'd suggest if you want to move back to your parents, then do that. You say you also want to "settle down" which I guess means be in a long term co-habiting relationship possibly including marriage. If you meet someone where you are now and start a relationship then tell them you want to move away and expect them to come with you then you are likely to be alone again. Please don't ever say "If he loved me he would ...", because the counter to that is "If you loved him, you wouldn't ask." It's emotional blackmail, it's cruel, and should form no part of a loving relationship.

So, think about what you actually want and where you want to be for the long term. Get your situation sorted out in the place you want to be, then worry about meeting someone you can settle down with, without needing to uproot both your lives. Trying to do it backwards and meeting someone first then expecting them to move with you carries a high possibility of another disappointment and heartbreak.

As for things to do, I'm one of those that comes home from work and likes to switch off completely and shut the world out to recharge my internal batteries. I actually need a lot of alone time, so it doesn't bother me to go the whole week without going out. I force myself to though so I don't turn into a complete hermit , and have an evening class I go to once a week and various meetings for hobbies from time to time. Is there anything you'd like to study? I'm learning Italian, and it has taken a few years to get to a committed group of learners rather than a big turnover each term, but it's much more social now than when we started as we all know each other now.

mai_taylor

daytona0 wrote: »

Yep, I've got a tip.

Think back to the first split up and then take the following action:

1. Continue doing what you were doing

2. Don't even contemplate getting back together if you can't compromise.

In all honesty but this bloke sounds like he has done little wrong except for wanting to pursue his dreams and ambitions. You may see it as a compromise to move halfway, for example, but maybe he doesn't want to move there? You can hardly force him to do something which he doesn't want to do. Also, why is your own happiness so dependent on this guy? Have you ever dated other guys? Had a bit of fun? Met some people local to your home town (which seems to be important to you) and got on with them?

But alas you are probably very upset now, and I can only advise you to keep soldiering on. Life is a grind for everyone at times, and we all feel the burn of the hurt. Things will improve, but you also have to make the effort to make improvements too. There is little that strangers on a forum can do aside from giving you pointers, all of the work needs to be done by you.

Good luck.

Because relationships are all about compromise, if he's not willing to even try for her then he sounds pretty selfish imo. I'd be happy to move for my DH, or at least try, this guy doesn't sound like he was very committed to the relationship.

As for why her happiness is dependent on that guy, I know that for me if I split up with my DH today I'd also be very lonely and find it extremely hard. I have lots of friends but they are all in couples and most have children, most of our social interation is as couples. They have their own lives to lead and spend most of their spare time with their families.

OP, If you wanted to move when you were with him then why don't you want to move now? Sounds like you need a new start and maybe try and reconnect with the people that you were once close to? Do you have much family back home?

daytona0

mai_taylor wrote: »

Because relationships are all about compromise, if he's not willing to even try for her then he sounds pretty selfish imo. I'd be happy to move for my DH, or at least try, this guy doesn't sound like he was very commited to the relationship.

There's nothing wrong with being a bit selfish occasionally....

At the end of the day but there are plenty more fish in the sea, and many may not even come with a "you have to move to a place you don't like" clause.

Same goes for OP. Plenty more fish in the sea and also don't rely so heavily on one guy for your happiness (which is clearly the case, bless you).

mariposa687

I moved to London to be with him and he was unemployed for a long time. I supported him because I loved him. I will past more detail later but as a 28 year old woman who wants to have kids I don't have all the time in the world to meet someone else.

anna_1977

you are only 28 - you have time! x