Husband not coping

Crazy_Diamond

I am wondering what I should do about a situation which is not improving. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and we have a 4 year old son who was diagnosed with autism 2 years ago. Our son is great, very social and loving and does not have meltdowns although he is only verbal at the one word level, is sensory seeking and needs a lot of help with his learning as everything has to be taught as he does not imitate. He has recently started at a special school and seems to be settling in ok.

My husband and I have had a tough few years since my son was born but from my perspective everything is slowly improving. My son starting school has taken a lot of pressure off me teaching him at home and I am now able to work part time and have a decent work life balance. I also started taking anti-depressants 6 months ago which have helped tremendously.

My husband on the other hand is very stressed. A few months ago he was headhunted for another job which offered a lot more money which he took. He is now regretting the decision as the commute is 90min to 2 hours each way and he does not find the job interesting. He will not be persuaded however to look for other jobs as he keeps saying we need the money (he is worried about our sons long term care needs) and that it would look bad on his cv to leave so quickly. He also does not feel he can get back in his old industry which he left at the same level.

In addition to work related stress I know the situation with our son is really upsetting him. He told me the other day that he wished he had a ‘proper family’ and is not coping with the fact that our son may not be able to have conversations and one day have his own family and an independent life. We are both too worried to have another child as we don’t feel we could cope with a second with similar problems but I know my husband is very depressed about this. My husband has recently started to get angry over really silly things, for example he has sworn at me for not packing the dishwasher correctly in front of our son and I constantly feel I am walking on eggshells.

I just don’t know what I can do to improve things. I have tried to suggest my husband sees a doctor and looks at getting anti-depressants too but he is not keen. He just says things like he needs to exercise more but then never does. His stress is affecting his health and he recently saw a doctor for IBS. The doctor just said he needed to relax more.

Any advice on how to improve things would be appreciated. I am wondering if I could do more to support my husband. We currently have the following schedules which do not help because on weekdays we only see each other for 1 hour a day and we get limited alone time at the weekends.

My weekdays
Get up at 6am, sort out son, dressing and breakfast, son leaves for school in taxi at 7.30, I do housework etc to 9am, work from home 9-3.30pm, son gets home from school 4pm, I look after son until his bedtime at 7pm, dinner and relax on own from 7pm-9pm, husband home at 9pm, bed 10pm

Husband weekdays
Get up at 7.30am, leave for work 8am, get home from work 9pm ish (his work provides dinner). Bed 12pm.

Saturday and Sundays
I get up at 6am, sort out son, dressing and breakfast, supported play and learning. 10am ish husband gets up and we tend to go out for the day with son. 4pm ish get back. I play with son and do his dinner and bed while husband relaxes. 7pm son in bed. 7pm to 10pm generally both tired and watch TV together.

Gigervamp

At the weekends, why doesn't your husband do anything with your son (other than taking him out)? Doesn't he bath him, play, cook dinner?

How does your husband support you?

If he's not willing to look for a new job, then he'll have to suck up the long commute, and shouldn't use it as an excuse to leave all the parenting to you.

[Deleted User]

As a slightly stressed husband can I recommend he buys this book; http://www.amazon.co.uk/books/dp/074995308X. It's not new-age mumble-jumble, it teaches you mechanisms to change the way you manage moods/anxiety.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=10&v=sMsUGB_KV7s

Sounds like you've both got a lot on your plates.. don't give up!

Crazy_Diamond

He used to help out a lot more with the day to day parenting but says he finds it too stressful now he realises our son is not developing normally. He gets frustrated with feeding as he can be a bit of a fussy eater. He says he finds playing with our son frustrating because our son needs a lot of support to play with toys, it does not come naturally to him. My husband does however do lots of physical, rough and tumble type play which out son loves. Our son also asks for me a lot at bathtime etc which puts my husband off helping although he will occasionally do a bath.

I think part of the problem is that my husband is about a year behind me in dealing with the reality of our sons autism. I was very depressed a year ago and my husband was really supportive then to me. The only thing however that really helped me was the anti-depressants and my husband is really against taking any.

Gigervamp

Are there any support groups for parents of ASD children near you? I wonder if that might help your husband. Would he be willing to have some counseling to help him come to terms with your son's diagnosis?

It's frustrating when you know he needs anti depressants but he refuses them, mine is the same, but there's not a lot you can do about that.

bilbodreams

You both work really hard. Give yourselves a break. Sometimes we keep ourselves busy to avoid thinking. You really need a long overdue conversation with your OH. Somewhere neutral. Maybe on Sat night once the little one is in bed, get a baby sitter, have meal out and a glass of wine or two. You are in this together and you are on the same team. His unfortunately choice of words are very hurtful. You do have a "proper little family". I believe the quality of life is not about the money that comes in, he could get a job less time demanding and closer by, it is about quality of time. We use to have two salaries coming in( and out) never thought we could live on less and now, with one salary, and two children under 2, we are ok, dont get me wrong we have cut down on things, I am an OS addicted but we have taking it as a bit of a challenge and it's actually ok. We are even saving! There is nothing wrong with changing your mind about a job. It's not a failure. Its just a job. He needs to spend more time with his son, ( father and son time) urgently, the everyday stuff is very important, he is missing out on so much!
Also I would try to find out if there is support for families in your area, there must be sthg. You'll get to met other people on the same boat.

polgara

You can get respite care so that you both can have a break. My brother/sister in law get 2 hours a week and its invaluable for their sanity.

KayTM

I really feel for you. But I have no answers as it's not a difficulty similar to anything we've faced. (Although we've had our own very different ones.)

You must try to take some positive action rather than let it wear you all down. That way you'd all lose out. Your husband is under incredible stress with that awful commute and the idea that he has to do it for the money. You're bearing the brunt of that (he's rarely home) and all your own difficulties in facing this without support.

You must do something. What? I don't know.

Try to free up some of your lives to spend together as husband and wife. Try to give him a little joy in life too - I mean if he likes photography, then encourage him on a project (it doesn't need to be expensive). Or give him a weekend away without the stress - if you have the money. A camping fishing trip or whatever interests him. Everyone needs to escape for a while sometimes, and just switch off.

You need some space too. What would you like? What's possible within your budget?

Could you move house and cut down the commute for your husband?

Sorry if this doesn't help, but I wish you well.

TBagpuss

It sounds as though you are both locked into an exhausting cycle with little enrgy left to work out how to improve things.

I would continue to encourage your husband to see a doctor.
on a practica llevel , ask your son's doctor / specialist about respiute care. One of the things which stood out for me is that your schedules don;t give either of you any time to be together or any real down time - it's work and collapse from exhaustion.

Does / did your husband have a hobbied which he might be able to take up again? If you think you could manage, it might be helpful if you could encouage him to sign up to something on a Saturday morning, for instnace (joining a club or having a committment to a course can make it easier to motivate yourself to actually go, so might work better than simply saying to him 'do something you like on saturday', particuarly if he is depressed)

Do you have any family close by who could care for your son for short periods on a regular basis so that you and he can have some time together?

Work - he is probably right that leaving in a very short time might be diffifciult. but you could sit down with him and try todiscuss what he might like to do 6 or 12 months down the line. Encourage him to think about what attracted him to the curent job, and what other jobs he might be able to look forwhich would give him those challenges.
hoe much of his unhappiness in the job is related to the commute, do you think? Would it be feasible to consider moving nearer to his job? This isn't spmething to do in the short term but maybe talking about it and offering it as a possibility might help him to feel less trapped.

What kind of job is it? Is there any possibility he could ask to work flexibly? Maybe work later 1 or 2 days a week (and perhaps stay over night near work one of those nights) and finish early another day? Or even take short lunches and work late and work a 9 day fortnight?

I am not sure how to do it - a counsellor might help, but he might find it helpful if he was 'given permission' to grieve for the child you don't have, if that makes sense - it's very hard to word as of course you both love your son, but I wonder whether he might be helped if you, or others, were able to say to him "It's OK to be sad, and to grieve, that we don't have a neurotypical / 'mormal' child." I think it is very common when you have a child who has a disability or other issues for people to try to reassure you, and highlight the positives and how much the child is loved. It can be very hard to say out loud that, much as you love the child you have, you are sad that you don't have a child who develops and behaves the way you expected. I wonder whether your husband might find it useful to be able to talk to other dads in a similar situation, or to talk to a counsellor outside the immediate family.

pinkshoes

As you work from home is moving a possibility so that you can be near your OHs work?

Reducing his commute would certainly help him, as this can't be fun, but would this mean your son changing school, and is this possible?

Tigsteroonie

Apologies for posting a FB-style meme, but the below really resonated with us recently:


You both need a break - though I had to laugh when I read the post that said "You can get respite care ..." :rotfl: Respite is incredibly hard to come by, unless there is a safeguarding issue (such as other children adversely affected). But you get nothing if you don't ask ... Do you take advantage of your council's Short Break Service? If you don't know the phrase, then look it up immediately in connection with your local council Its intention is to provide the child with a break away from you (and thereby a break for you too). After a lot of chasing around, we have sourced a Saturday Club that our autistic son can attend for a few hours each week. We don't do anything exciting with the time - we actually use the break to hit the supermarket for a weekly shop without our son in tow! The final 45 minutes when we are home, and can have a brew in peace, is savoured before bedlam returns.

How involved is Dad in your son's education etc? His late arrival to the world of autism may be because you have been the parent focusing on meetings, diagnosis, talking with consultants etc. If he hasn't been involved in that as much, then he won't be as informed as you and potentially more confused and upset by it all. We try to ensure that we both attend all meetings.

Men don't join support groups but the Autism Parents Chat group on FB does have a 'Dad' group that we women cannot even see - if he is a user of social media, it may be worth directing him to this.