I don't know what to do-family and feelings after death

cydney65

This is a long post so I will apologise in advance. I’m writing about the topic of death, so don’t read it if it is going to affect you. I would hate to make others upset.

My dad died 3 weeks ago after a long illness. I’m ok, probably because my view of death is pretty unique, but it is this, I think, which is causing me to question my relationship with my siblings.

I’m the youngest of four by some margin, so they grew up together while I grew up pretty much on my own. As a consequence, my dad devoted all of his time on me. He encouraged me to question everything and to read widely. I didn’t have children’s books I was instead supplied with volumes of encyclopaedias and books on art. I became very close to him and we shared many traits, which made our relationship stronger.

After my stepmum died, at first he came to me to recuperate and then when I moved 350 miles ‘oop North’ he was taken in by my sister. She and my BIL did everything for him, which was lovely, but my relationship with her, my other sister and brother deteriorated. I would ring them to see how they were but they rarely called me, even when they were told that I was in a psychiatric hospital, there were no offers of help or opportunities to talk. My best friend who lives even further away dropped everything and drove the 400 miles to see me, but there wasn’t even a call from my family to see if I was ok.

I talked to my dad often and came down to see him many times over the years even though I am very ill and find travelling difficult. In the last three months when he deteriorated I was down sometimes twice a week to stay and help care for him. It was really apparent during this time that I contributed very little to my family in a social context. I was often ignored and my opinions dismissed. After dad’s death I drew comfort from the belief I have that people don’t really die, that they are with us through our actions and behaviour. For example, I have encouraged both of my children to critically assess information they come across and to read often, the way I was taught by dad.

This morning my sister emailed me to ask for my contribution to the funeral expenses, which is fine, but she also wants me to go down for a get together for dad’s birthday. This has put me into a spin. I don’t believe in memorial things and looking back, I prefer to honour dad’s memory by quietly going about life in a considered way. I understand that this is an odd way of thinking. I also understand that my siblings have different views and want to get together to talk about him. The problem is that I have realised that I am so, so different to them and don’t really figure in their lives (and they don’t figure in mine) that I would rather just withdraw from them. To be brutal, I want to sever my ties with them.

I don’t want to hurt them, after all they are my flesh and blood, but I find their lives and dramas wearing and mentally draining. I have been diagnosed with an ASD (Asperger’s), which probably contributes to my feelings here, but I think I need to think about myself a bit more and just concentrate on my little family up here.

So what do I do? I really would appreciate some advice here because I have difficulty understanding social situations. I don’t want to be continually traveling down there and getting caught up in their lives and exacerbating my ill health, but I feel really awful for feeling this way. Should I just bite the bullet and go down, or could I gently just draw away from them?

Thoughts

CydneyX

Freeraine

Look at it another way, because there is a straightforward, easy third option open to you.

Your siblings want to get together to talk, remember and pay tribute to their father, and your memories are an important part of reflecting on the whole man. That's why you are being included and I think that the birthday meeting is a lovely idea. Since you find your siblings company so stressful, and find travelling the long distance very challenging and debilitating, you ought to excuse yourself......

BUT, it would be nice gesture if you could email your sister with a couple of memories and thoughts that she can share with the rest of the family.

FreeBear

In a similar situation with my sister - She moved away and over the last three years or so was looking after our elderly mother. I didn't call or visit nearly as much as I feel I should have done. There were periods of six months or more when we didn't speak.

Now that mother has passed away, she is wanting me to drop everything and "come over and sort stuff out". Unfortunately, I have to work and have other care duties that have to be attended to. I'm dreading christmas as there will no doubt be an invite to come over for dinner and church - Not looking forward to the former, and certainly do not want to do the latter.

In your situation, perhaps a card and an explanation that due to work/children, you can't get the time off to visit.

System

Seems a shame to end things with your family over what seems to be such a lovely thing to do.

I'd go along with it for the last time before going my own separate way.

duchy

FreeBear wrote: »

In a similar situation with my sister - She moved away and over the last three years or so was looking after our elderly mother. I didn't call or visit nearly as much as I feel I should have done. There were periods of six months or more when we didn't speak.

Now that mother has passed away, she is wanting me to drop everything and "come over and sort stuff out". Unfortunately, I have to work and have other care duties that have to be attended to. I'm dreading christmas as there will no doubt be an invite to come over for dinner and church - Not looking forward to the former, and certainly do not want to do the latter.

In your situation, perhaps a card and an explanation that due to work/children, you can't get the time off to visit.

This is not a criticism of you Freebear but simply looking at it from the other side.

I was the one living with and looking after my Mum (whilst also working and raising a child who had just had an ASD diagnosis). My brother wasn't quite as bad as you but several months could pass between visits .....and when the visits came he'd be full of suggestions of how I could do things better/ do more for her.
When I suggested HE could do more I was informed he had responsibilities (a full time job and girlfriend/wife -no kids) and couldn't spare the time . It simply didn't occur to him/he didn't want to see.....that I too had a life, responsibilities,job and a child to care for.......as well as Mum.
I had two choices risk a family rift or getting on with it. I cannot begin to explain the frustration -and he simply couldn't/wouldn't see how unfair he was being. I loved my Mum so certainly didn't resent looking after her but I do resent my brother for not wanting to help more - and not even bothering to pick the phone up (like you we weren't that close -I was closer to my Dad and he was closer to my Mum -ironically her illness brought me and Mum closer and he was a bit jealous of this).

You already have regrets that you didn't visit/phone enough - would a day sharing memories really be too much to give your family ?

Your sister has asked you to sort out stuff-she's asking for help - Most people have annual leave and two days off a week - can you really not find the will to make time to help the person who did everything for your Mum leaving you free to do whatever kept you so busy you weren't able to visit your Mum for months at a time ?

OP we have Aspergers in the family so I do have some understanding. Just because you go once to a special memorial day doesn't mean you are setting up an expectation you will attend everything. Each invitation should be looked at on a case by case basis. I understand you feel that saying yes once means you have to always say yes- but that's ASD thought patterns and saying yes once does NOT mean you always have to say yes. The memorial is important and is a way of showing respect .......so you probably should go - other events you can be working/the kids have something on/not well enough but a memorial is in a different catagory to other family get togethers.

candlelight_2013

Cydney, I would go just one last time. You don't ever have to go again, but they are doing this for your Dad, a get together where you can all talk about the good times you had(and perhaps the not so good).

You say you were very close to your Dad, and he taught you many things when you were younger. I think being with your siblings will acknowledge exactly what he did for you, because they being much older than you might not know exactly how he made you the person you have become.

You wouldn't have to see them again after this, if that is really what you want, but do this for your Dad.

Hugs

Candlelightx

TBagpuss

Cydney, I understnad that you don't feel the need to attend and share memories of your dad in order to remember him or grieve for his death.
So don't think about this as somethin which is for your dad in that way.

Think of it as a way of supporting your siblings in their grieving for your dad, and of building the foundations of a better relationship with them in the future. Even if you don't expect to want to keep in clsoe contact with them in future, it is not necessary to deliberately cut all ties.

I think there are a couple of possibilities for you.

If you don't feel that you can cope with the travel and attending the event, then respond to your sister's email. I would suggest something along the lines of
"Thank you for your e-mail. Your plan to meet up on Dad's birthday to remember him is a good one but I don't feel I would be able to cope with the travel (possibly add in a mention of your illness and tht you struggled with the travel when you visted your Dad) and with the emotion of the get-together. I would happy to send you some notes about some of my happiest memories of Dad to add to what you're talking about, if you and the others would like me to, so that I can join in even if I can't be present"

that way, you don't need to go but you are acknowledging the validity of what she is trying to do, and leaving the door open to future contacts.

If you don't go, I would stress your own health problems, and that you would struggle to cope with the meet up, but don;t use terms like 'drama' or suggest that it is about your siblings behaviour.

Alternatively, you could consider going but limit the amount of time you spend with them - for instance, arrange to book your own accommodation and plan your own travel, so that you can leave if you start to find the emotion or the people too draining.

It would actually be OK in sitautions when your Dad is being talked about to say "I find it really hard talking about him in this way" - don't add the bit about finding your family's drama or amotions draining, or about wanting to remember him but just getting on with stuff as although there is no right or wrong way to remember or mourn someone, those comments could be seen as cold or uncaring.

If you simply say "I find talking about him like this very hard" most people will assume that you are grieving, which is socially acceptable.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

cydney65 wrote: »

After my stepmum died, at first he came to me to recuperate and then when I moved 350 miles ‘oop North’ he was taken in by my sister. She and my BIL did everything for him, which was lovely, but my relationship with her, my other sister and brother deteriorated. I would ring them to see how they were but they rarely called me, even when they were told that I was in a psychiatric hospital, there were no offers of help or opportunities to talk. My best friend who lives even further away dropped everything and drove the 400 miles to see me, but there wasn’t even a call from my family to see if I was ok.

I talked to my dad often and came down to see him many times over the years even though I am very ill and find travelling difficult. In the last three months when he deteriorated I was down sometimes twice a week to stay and help care for him. It was really apparent during this time that I contributed very little to my family in a social context. I was often ignored and my opinions dismissed. After dad’s death I drew comfort from the belief I have that people don’t really die, that they are with us through our actions and behaviour. For example, I have encouraged both of my children to critically assess information they come across and to read often, the way I was taught by dad.

This morning my sister emailed me to ask for my contribution to the funeral expenses, which is fine, but she also wants me to go down for a get together for dad’s birthday. This has put me into a spin. I don’t believe in memorial things and looking back, I prefer to honour dad’s memory by quietly going about life in a considered way. I understand that this is an odd way of thinking. I also understand that my siblings have different views and want to get together to talk about him. The problem is that I have realised that I am so, so different to them and don’t really figure in their lives (and they don’t figure in mine) that I would rather just withdraw from them. To be brutal, I want to sever my ties with them.

I don’t want to hurt them, after all they are my flesh and blood, but I find their lives and dramas wearing and mentally draining. I have been diagnosed with an ASD (Asperger’s), which probably contributes to my feelings here, but I think I need to think about myself a bit more and just concentrate on my little family up here.

So what do I do? I really would appreciate some advice here because I have difficulty understanding social situations. I don’t want to be continually traveling down there and getting caught up in their lives and exacerbating my ill health, but I feel really awful for feeling this way. Should I just bite the bullet and go down, or could I gently just draw away from them?

Thoughts

CydneyX

Well, they were actually looking after your Dad at the time you were ill - much harder to drop everything and drive up when they've already got somebody to look after.

There is a saying that funerals are for the Living. I think this is relevant here - this get together is an opportunity for you all to offer words about how he shaped your lives and for your siblings to be comforted by the good memories rather than focusing on their sense of loss which, if they don't feel the same way as you do about death, will be felt more keenly.

It's very easy when there is a bereavement for other people's reactions (or apparent lack of them) to be misunderstood - a refusal to be involved might be seen as you not caring. They've also had your Dad around them for much more time in the time leading up to his death - whilst you've had the separation of not seeing him everyday, they could well still be trying to adjust to him not being in the next room, always being there to talk to.


I believe they will benefit emotionally with being reassured that you do care and are trying to bring your children up in the way he did you. And attending will be less likely to feel like they (and him) are being rejected, which is a danger when somebody refuses to attend. After all, you've all been bereaved, but everybody will feel slightly different things - one could miss a smile most, another a bad joke, another, his asking 'now why would that be the case?'. And it'll be good for you to have experience of dealing with difficult situations where other people's feelings are at stake.



You are perfectly entitled to drop any contact with them - but I really think that just after their father has died is not the time to do it; it would be just too hurtful, which you don't want to do.

I think it will be worth the effort and discomfort for you to go. It's the right thing, the kindest thing, to do.

cydney65

Wow thank you everyone. I knew I could count on the people here to see the situation in a different way, so a great big thank you.

I have been thinking hard about this all day and now that I have read all of your comments I have decided to go. After I read through my initial post I realised that I could be viewed as being a bit, well a lot, self centred and inconsiderate. I really do try to understand other people and have often been told to see things from another person's point of view. In my previous job I came into contact with lots of different people and sometimes mine and my colleagues lives depended on understanding what others were going through, so I have developed some strategies to get by. Sometimes though they just fail and I end up floundering, much like in this situation.

I did just think that I was being invited because that was the done thing, but I realise now that they may actually want to see me and are probably interested in my memories of dad. I do try and limit my time with them because I get really stressed by everything that is involved in their lives, but my sister insists on me staying with her and I know it would hurt her feelings to say no. When I say that their lives are full of drama I really mean that. I worked in a prison and I can tell you that place had far and away less drama than their lives down there.

Jojo, I really appreciate your comments and advice. I do realise that they were looking after dad when I had my breakdown and to be honest their reaction didn't bother me but it did, and still does, bother my OH. They have often said to her that she is part of the family and if she needed anything she just had to ask, but when she did talk to them about me going into hospital she was looking for some support and it wasn't offered. It would have taken just one or two phone calls just to see if she was ok but I do appreciate that they were probably unable to do so.

Once again thank you

CydneyX

duchy

With regard to them not having empathy for your OH........ Aspergers tends to run in families so it isn't beyond possibility that they too have Aspergic tendencies and it simply didn't occur to them that your OH needed their support.

gettingtheresometime

My SIL and OH aren't particularly close but one thing my SIL said when my FIL died has always stuck with me.

She made a comment to the effect of that when their parents were alive we all knew what each other was doing because the parents were the conduit. As they were no longer there, it was up to her and OH to keep in contact. Ten years on we are in more contact than we were when their parents were alive but we still don't live in each other's pockets.