How to say no

gadjah543

I don't post very often but wanted some ideas of how to deal with a family situation.

My nephew age 19 and his fiancee have just been in touch to ask if they can come and stay with me whilst they look for jobs and a permanent home. Last year I helped out my nephew when he was going through a tough period in his life. He came to stay for a month after getting really depressed. I live 300 miles away from my sister and he just needed a bit of a break. My sister gave me £50 a week whist he was here. He didn't really help much round the house unless asked and my DH in particular really found it a strain to have extra people in the house.

After the month he returned home and one year on he is in a much happier place. He has got engaged to an apparently lovely girl ( I have not met her yet) She started college in Sept. He was working towards exams to get on a course he wanted to do.

Out of the blue I got a message on FB from his fiancee asking me if they could come and stay. There is no timescale given and I know they have no money. They have not had jobs in the past year. I can't afford to subsidize them and I am pretty sure they do not realise how much a deposit is for a flat.

I do have a spare room as my oldest has just left for uni but he comes home and I still want him to feel like he has his own space. Last year I turned my dining room into a bedroom for my nephew which meant we couldn't invite friends for dinner or have family meals.

I don't know why she is deferring college for a year or why he is not working towards his exams. I have said that I will speak to them today but just wanted some help from you lovely peeps as to how I handle this.

Jagraf

Is it something you can speak to your sister about?

pinkshoes

If cost is the only issue, then just say that you were actually thinking of renting your spare room out for some extra money to help with bills, and although you would be happy for them to stay for X weeks, they would need to contribute £X a week towards bills and food.

(Factor in for a cleaner too!!)

Petra_70

Just simply say 'I am sorry, but for reasons I can't go into, someone staying in our home is something that isn't possible.' If she persists and wants to know exactly why, just say you can't say, and quote 'personal reasons.'

You don't owe anyone an explanation. It's your home, and your sanctuary, and you don't have to have anyone staying there.

skintpaul

Definately need to charge them something, so they don't take you for granted, and maybe get them to buck up their life..

Fen1

I find it odd that it is the fianc!e that has contacted you, not your nephew. A stranger is asking a huge favour of you.

My guess is that she is pregnant, and they are looking for an easy option i.e. you. You gave your nephew an easy ride before, and they think they'll have an easy ride again. Instead of taking responsibility, they are running away from everything hoping you will take up the slack. But this is all supposition, of course.

I wouldn't have them stay, for all the reasons you have previously written. Your happiness, your husband's happiness, and your own child's happiness always come first.

If they are in a 'situation', then it is their own parents and their local council that should to help them, not soft auntie.

peachyprice

As no time scale was mentioned maybe she just means for a weekend or for October half term?

Initially I would go back to her and ask if she just means to visit. You wouldn't want to jump in and make them feel unwelcome if all they want to do is come for a few days.

I would word it along the lines of 'I would love to see you, which weekend/week are you thinking of so I can see if we're free'. That puts the ball firmly into her court to come clean about their true intentions and makes it clear you don't have anything long term in mind.

krlyr

I wouldn't say that it's about the money, if that's not what would make the difference (would you have them if they offered to pay rent?). Perhaps explain that having just got the house to yourselves with the oldest at Uni, you and your husband are just getting the chance to enjoy the house as your own and unfortunately having them stay is not an option.

gadjah543

Jagraf wrote: »

Is it something you can speak to your sister about?

Forgot to mention that in the original message they asked me to keep quiet about this until they had decided what they wanted to do. I am pretty sure my sister wouldn't be prepared to subsidize them as it is completely different circumstances to last year.

gadjah543

Fen1 - my thoughts exactly

To other posts. Now you say it, it is not about the money. Petra-70 said it perfectly.

Peachyprice - I like that idea of just assuming they are only wanting to come for a week or weekend although from reading the message I think they are expecting a lot longer!!

Threebabes

It would be a polite no from me too.

Message her back, say after thinking about it it wouldnt work for yourself but good luck in whatever they decide to do.

Quite cheeky of her really...