Toddler sleep issues - At the end of my tether!

PeacefulSlumber

My son will be 3 in a few weeks time and I am so fed up with the bedtime situation in our house but I don't know how to make it better.

My boy has always been a somewhat difficult child but until about June he was happy to go into his own bed in his own room and would settle himself to sleep every night and not wake until around 7am.

He has always been a very stubborn and somewhat grumpy child but sleeping was not a problem.

This all changed in July when he contracted a serious infectious illness and was very ill. He spent almost 2 weeks in an isolation ward in hospital with only myself and my husband allowed into his room.

As you can imagine this was a terrible time for us and I hardly left my sons side, spending every day and night in the room with him. Thankfully he made a full recovery but his behaviour deteriorated so much in the weeks after he was sent home. For about 8 weeks afterwards he was unmanageable, with tantrums and fighting and biting his older sister all the time. Again this has thankfully stopped and he is back to normal in every regard except the sleeping.

The issue is he will not sleep unless I am with him. He has moved into our bed and I have to go to bed with him for at least and hour, quite often longer and lay there waiting for him to sleep. It wrecking my evenings, nobody in our house is eating right because I can't cook or eat a proper meal when I'm spending half the evening in bed. My daughter who is only 8 is hardly getting any time with me and the disruption this is causing is not something I want to put up with.

My question I suppose is how on earth can I break this cycle of behaviour? It's obvious my little man was traumatised by his illness and the time we spent locked in the room together means he is more attached to me than ever but I need him out of my bed and back in his own room!

The attachment issue is purely at night, he attends nursery 5 mornings a week and goes in without so much as a backwards glance.

I have tried the usual stuff of being firm, putting him in his own bed and returning him to his bed every time he gets up but we gave up when after 75 'returns' and both me and him so distressed that I couldn't go on! The problem is he is just so stubborn!

Unfortunately little man will not even go to sleep with my dh, he works very long hours and is not often home for bed time anyway so I'm on my own with trying to find a solution although he is very supportive and will ehelp with practicalities when able to.

Any ideas gratefully received.

Thanks

glentoran99

we started having a few wee issues and we started a proper bedtime routine.


Bath, Supper, Story, (with all other distractions off) bed, took only a few days and it got 100 times easier


is he napping during the day?

Alias_Omega

We tried..

Stairgate on bedroom door - All toys thrown over the gate. Going upstairs just seemed to stimulate him, eventually we ignored him. He would fall asleep at the gate, on the floor. We would lift and put him into bed. Eventually this led too....

Stairgate on top of stairs - Involved running around upstairs for hours, went with hooks & eyes on doors. Eventually would fall asleep on top of stairs...


You get the idea, we just let them scream... its hard to do it.

Getting them up early (6am) or when your up, and keeping them awake makes them easier to fall asleep when its bedtime.

daveyjp

The main issue is children aren't adults and need to be taught everything. We had similar problems at 2-3 years old.

He hasn't moved to your bed, you have let him move seeking a solution.

New rules from next week. Bath, relax and quiet time, read, bed. Return him every time he gets out of bed.

It may take a week, 2 even 3, to sort, but thats not a long time. Remember the time they were waking up every 3-4 hours for feeds? You coped, got through it and its now a distant memory, this will be the same if you stick at it.

LittleOne83

Have you tried white noise? Apparently it can really help settle kids to bed. Also I'm guessing he had drips and monitors etc so perhaps a little bit of background noise may help. He may find the quiet distressing now. Does he have a nightlight?
Also maybe a child psychologist to figure out exactly what he doesn't like about bed time and work on that with the help of them.
Still stick to a routine and keep on with the returns to bed. If he knows he can break you he'll keep at it. Stay in the room until he's asleep and each night edge closer to the door, then sat in the doorway, then say in the hall.

bossymoo

I'm going against the grain here, but I'd be tempted to go with it...

He's had a frightful experience and he's not mature enough to process it. He won't understand his fears, so can't vocalise them to you.

I was widowed a couple of months before my eldest child turned 3. He was terrified I would leave him too. He went through a series of phases - wetting accidents, unable to sleep alone, confusion etc. I figured he just needed me, his mum, to be that constant source of security, particularly in the quiet, dark hours. It took some months before he could fall asleep without holding on to my clothes. And probably 6 months before he ventured back to his own room.

All children are different of course. My youngest was still a baby and stuck to her routine.

Is it worth shuffling sleeping arrangements for a few weeks so you can all get some quality sleep while he works through it?

If not, and you want your bed back, then consistency is the key. Gently and quietly return him to his room, every single time. It's hard work in the short term, but it will work eventually.

Good luck!

GracieP

My advice would be the same as bossymoo's. He's 3 still as much baby as child. He's been through a trauma and he needs you right now. Be there for him, it won't last forever. The more secure he is in the knowledge you are there for him, the easier he will find it to regain his independence and genuine sense of security at night. Forcing him before he is ready may get you your evenings back sooner but it will leave him alone with his fears instead of teaching him that you will help him through his worries and help him to find his way back to a sense of peace at night.

balletshoes

as a transitional thing, and taking account you have an older child too, would you consider putting your son in his pjs, ready for bed etc at the normal time, but then cosy him up downstairs with you with a blanket and pillow/cushion, until he's ready to sleep. At least then when you take him up to bed you shouldn't need to spend an hour or more up there with him.

It also means you can cuddle up with your daughter and have some quiet time together nearby, until her bedtime.

I think you just have to do what's going to work best for your family, not what works/is the norm for anyone else's family. For example, for all that I think its best for children to get used to sleeping in their own beds, especially when they're school age, in reality my daughter was still occasionally getting into my bed and falling asleep there with me until she was nearly 10. My OH and I would frequently play musical beds when she was younger, so that we all got a decent nights sleep.

Potternerd

I agree with Bossymoo and GracieP. DS was a little so and so about sleeping when younger and OH had to stay with him till he fell asleep. No obvious reason like in your case. We did try leaving him to sleep, but found him asleep but sobbing sitting up in his cot.

My sis said at the time you get what you're prepared to put up with, but IMO it won't last forever and his security and emotional wellbeing are key.
Have you spoken to your health visitor?

Mrs_Imp

If your child was very ill, then chances are he just remembers waking up one day in hospital. He may have no idea how he got there, and now be thinking that the same might happen again - ie he goes to bed and wakes up in hospital.
Try to make bedtime as relaxed as you can, and I'd stay with him if he needs it at the moment. He's only three and has a lot of emotions and fear to work through from his experience, and he needs you to be very definitely there for him.
Do you have a nightlight for him, and a baby monitor? You can tell him that you'll be listening out for him on the monitor and will be straight up if he needs you.

Maysie

I started staying in my daughter bed with her until she settled. I could not bare to hear her crying. No talking to much just the odd kiss on the head. Do the yawning so they start yawning. Or try talking slowly maybe a bit of twinkle twinkle but quietly so they have to listen

Now after a minute its go away now I'm tired.