Feel so stupid, can't stop spending and slipping further into debt...

Mudita

Hi MSE's,

I feel so stupid saying this but i can't stop spending money on stupid little things (and some big things) that i keep convincing myself that I need. It's like i'm trying to fill gaps with things and i'm in a constant vicious cycle of need, spend, regret, stress about having no money and repeat.

I have tried making savings on things, but what ever I cut back on I end up spending without knowing how much is in my account and I just assume I have enough or I check my balance and subconsciously remember how much more there is in there than I need and start thinking of things to spend it on.

I am seriously considering cutting up my bank card, withdrawing cash from the bank weekly with ID and splitting the cash into budgeted envelopes so that I know if I overspend I need to go to the bank to withdraw more money, which I wouldn't want to do.

I have also been reading into the buddhist practice of non attachment which sounds like something I could do with, as without the need for things I don't need/want I would save a lot of money because i'm very good at convincing my self i need things when I know the money is there (and sometimes even when the money isn't there).

I feel like such a let down to my son and my wife and I feel so pathetic as I should be the one creating financial security and saving up to give my son the best start in life and to help him out financially if he ever needs it in the future but instead im making our financial future worst. This stresses me out a lot when at the end of the month i realise what i've done and don't know where i went wrong but know i've left a trail of bad financial decisions behind me.

Any ideas or even some moral support would be greatly appreciated, although I can understand if people just think I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get a grip because that is how I feel about it but i'm kind of hoping there may have been someone else going through this and would love to hear their story or what worked for them.

Thanks for reading, hope to hear your views or suggestions.

determined_new_ms

Hi Mudita sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time.

It sounds like at the moment you have a bit of an addiction to spending money, most of us get obsessive about things at times - it's part of the human condition.

It'll take some time and work to change things but you can. Does your wife know about what is going on for you? Can you talk about it with her and ask her to take over your accounts/manage the finances?

Everyone on this board has been overspenders. A lot of us have changed our mindsets, by just changing a small thing and then when that has become a habit another, and another and then soon it becomes second nature. It takes time though.

Lots of people will be along to give ideas about things you could try. You will come through this.

Best of luck x

uncreative

Dont fell stupid, you need to stop, take a look at where you are, and look forward.

The one thing you need is a plan. So, you need to know where you are (amount of debt), where you want to be (debt free), and work on a route to get there.

You need to do an SOA, do a snowball calculator to tackle your debts, that will give you a debt free day, and then do a monthly budget to make sure you at a minimum stick to it, but try and beat it and become debt free sooner. The advice on here has helped me become debt free and thousands of people have become debt free following it.

Good luck, but it will only come from you getting a handle on the situation and knowing your budget inside out and sticking to it. You can do it!

crazy_cat_lady

I really, hand on heart, think that you need to see a doctor about your mental health. The overspending is a symptom of something - whether that's anxiety, depression or whatever. My overspending was my 'comfort' area - I would treat myself to something to make me feel better, but it made me feel worse in the long run.
I saw my doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety, and the CBT that came with it has been a bit of a lifesaver to me.

selloptape

Hi Mudita,

Don't put yourself down - lots of people on these boards have been in a similar situation. What's great is you've recognised it and want to tackle it.

I'd recommend keeping a spending diary as you said you get to the end of the month and you're not sure what went wrong... I do this and it helps loads! It's a bit of a chore but much less stress than being skint . Also it means your SOA will be super accurate.

Good luck!

andyfromotley

Try Ynab. you seem to convince yourself that the money you have in your account is 'spare' and just waiting around for you to spend it. With YNAB there is no spare money, it all has a job to do. This may make you less inclined to spend it.

Hand the finances and access to money totally to your wife?

Read Mr money moustache and stingy living blogs for advice on minimal spending. Listen to Dave Ramsey podcasts for motivation.

Hope this helps. Don't hate yourself, we have all been there and done that. You can change your mindset if you work hard at it.

hope this helps

Mudita

determined_new_ms,

My wife knows to a certain degree but tonight I will talk to her in more detail about it, she has never had to manage finances so it is all down to me to sort out bills and spends. This is why I am putting so much blame on myself because it's all down to me, I can save money and make cuts I just need to learn to not fill the gap with random needless junk.

uncreative,

I will try out a snowball calculator, I guess it would motivate me to know the end date of debt for me. Its also a long term spending problem I need to face, I'm going to leave my bank card in the house and not take it out with me, withdraw weekly and split it into envelopes with budgets written on them for what they are meant to be spent on. I pay on card for everything so I guess it can be easy to miss the link between the piece of plastic and my bank balance sometimes, If I can see the cash in the envelope and know what it needs to be spent on, it may keep me on track.

crazy_cat_lady,

I really appreciate your concern and I know it is an issue in my mind, but I believe I can tackle this through lifestyle changes and by saying no to marketing and social pressure to have the best things, it's just going to take a lot of time, effort and practice.

selloptape,

I think that is why I feel so stupid, I understand people are plenty worst off and that a lot of people are going through the same thing. It's comforting to know i'm not alone but it also doesn't make it any easier.

I understand that businesses spend millions to get people like myself to spend money I don't have on things I don't need, and when enough people do it it creates the illusion that others have it all when behind the scenes they are even more screwed up financially than they even realise themselves.

It's a horrible vicious circle that I am extremely determined to break out of, after I have done so I hope to help others do the same. I am also determined to set the best foundation and the best example for my son as i possibly can.

andyfromotley,

Thanks for your all in one response. I have my motivation sorted, I'll check out those blogs now. I'll look into YNAB, that seems a good concept as you say I if there is none there left to spend in that category there is no money left to spend in my eyes.

Willowpop

Mudita, there is nothing wrong with the cash in envelopes system, it works perfectly for me.
I have a little box with several envelopes in it. When I get paid, I take cash from the cashpoint, and I allocate it to various envelopes... eg 4x£50 in the groceries envelope (all folded into 4x£50 bundles), £50 into my oyster card envelope, £50 into petrol, £20 into car tax, £80child allowance into child allowance, £5 into school expenses etc etc. Then when I need to get shoes for my daughter, the money is in the child allowance envelope. If I need food shopping, it's in the groceries envelope. I also have a £40 overflow envelope which covers me incase I buy some multibuy deals when I'm shopping one week... I allow £10 per week for this.
When I started the envelopes, I looked back over my bank statements and looked at what I was spending on my ideal shops for groceries, how much it cos me to get to work etc and allocated money accordingly. Your envelopes might be different to mine, depending on what you spend. It is Thursday today, and I have about £4 left in my groceries budget for this week, but other than eggs I don't need anything so it's cool. Before my envelopes, I would have popped to the supermarket and bout £15 worth of stuff I don't need as well as the eggs!!
Anything left over goes into a savings envelope, and that pays for little treats like days out, or the very occasional takeaway.

Give it a try, it can work really well!:)

Mudita

Willopop,

Glad to know it's worked for somebody before, I'm going to try this after next payday. Thanks for the example of how you split your money it has given me a better idea of how to use it practically. I've also started using YNAB it seems really good!.

hiddenshadow

Just wanted to add my voice of support. Realising that you need (and want!) to change is a critical step.

As others have said, figure out what you're spending, and ideally what triggers you to buy (boredom? desire for new things? keeping up with the Joneses?). Then you can figure out how to tweak things to live within your means and pay off your debt.

One of the things I love about YNAB is that you can use it whatever way you like. For me, I try to never carry cash because I treat it as "free" money - if I've got £5 in my pocket I'm way more likely to buy a chocolate or another small treat. With YNAB all your money (in whatever form) is dedicated to a purpose, so if I have £5 in my treats budget that's fine (and I could buy it with cash or card), but if not it doesn't matter if I have the cash or not. (Also, having the "virtual" envelopes means you can use cashback cards, contactless payment, cash, whatever method works best for you.)

YORKSHIRELASS

OK, first off you are not alone. I have really struggled with this too. I now understand that this is because deep down I am not a very confident person. I believe that having the right "stuff" makes me more likeable. I know in my heart that this is ridiculous and I have battled against it for years.

The one thing that has saved me is keeping proper financial records, knowing exactly where my money goes, knowing exactly how much my debts are, knowing how much I have set aside for Christmas, emergency fund etc. I remember the first time I sat down and worked it all out properly I was almost physically sick.

If you are fairly new to all this it takes a long time to learn new habits and you will slip up. There are threads on here that are really helpful and supportive. Dont ever think "I cant do this" and walk away. You can do it, I was hopeless and I have cleared a huge chunk of my debts. Today instead of being £2k overdrawn I have £2k in the bank in various saving pots.

Good luck.