Ex Partner Trying To Ruin Me....

DandelionPatrol

moloko_plus wrote: »

This is actually in regards to my partner who is in financial difficulty due to his ex partners spending habits. They recently split after 8 years together (recent = 10 month) and he is now in control of his finances after she did everything in that side of the relationship. He discovered she had been gambling his money with transactions of up to £700 a DAY coming out of his account onto various online gaming and bingo sites. This has taken his overdraft £2k in the red. He also had credit card and pay day loans in his name which he was unaware of. Recently after doing a full credit score check online (she swore there were no other debts) we have discovered anther 2 credit cards one with a bank and one with an independent lender, more pay day loans, a NEXT account which was £102 in arrears. The loans are all defaulted month after month.

In an alternative universe, she could have kicked him out for his gambling. Not saying that women never gamble, but it does seem to be a male thing.

I am not going to say that he is the gambler, but there are warning signs here, particularly if he is happy to let you settle the debts in his name. For me it comes down to him being either incredibly naive or a dangerous sponge with a gambling problem and a denial problem.

Don't take out finance for him and take a look at his reaction to suggesting he go bankrupt

timefortea

What's striking to me is that he gave control of his finances to his ex, and now you seem to be taking over, as you're the one here asking for advice, not him. I think he really needs to take full control of his finances himself.

-taff

DandelionPatrol wrote: »

In an alternative universe, she could have kicked him out for his gambling. Not saying that women never gamble, but it does seem to be a male thing.

I know someone who managed to gamble away £15,000 on bingo sites...female BTW

andyfromotley

The rise of online gambling has sadly led to a huge rise of compulsive gamblers who are female. Bingo featuring prominently as their main area of problem gambling.

In general however GA meetings are overwhelmingly male, usually around 80%+.

HereBeDragons_2

This all sounds so familiar, I could have written this a couple of years ago.

I echo what other posters are saying. These are your partner's problems, not yours, and he should be the one posting on here. The fact he isn't - no matter how busy he is at work at the moment, no matter how little he had to do with his own finances in the past - speaks volumes. Don't lend him any money, and under no circumstances do anything that will create a financial link between you. You must safeguard your credit record.

I do empathise with you - you want things to be right between you so you can move forward as a couple. Gambling aside, his ex sounds a lot like my (now ex-) partner's ex - going to the CSA out of spite when she was getting more from him anyway, and cutting off access. People go loopy when they split and will happily cut off their own noses to spite their face and use their children as weapons of revenge. It's a horrible dynamic to be around - like it or not, it affects you too - and I urge you to think long and hard about whether your partner is sufficiently disentangled from his previous relationship to give his full attention to yours. What about YOUR needs, are they getting a look-in here? It doesn't sound like it to me.

Your partner has to assume full responsibility for what has happened and sort it out in a way which does not transfer any of the burden onto you. It's up to him to find out what to do about the fraudulent loans. My partner turned out to be a hidden gambler. I'm not saying yours is, just that this was the real reason my partner's finances were always in a mess and why his ex had controlled the money. He lied to me for ages, and I should have been far more questioning as to how he had amassed so many defaults. He was always defensive and would go off the deep end if I pressed him about it, so it was easier not to go there. Is your partner the same?

I also think something doesn't quite add up here, and I do wish I'd listened earlier to my nagging doubts when my efforts to help my partner get out of his mess were going nowhere. His excuse was always that his ex controlled the finances for years so "I'm no good at that stuff". The additional sh*tstorm with the godawful CSA - boy, they really know how to take a broken relationship and make it even more broken - just allowed him to cement his belief that he was a victim of his vindictive ex, and thus abdicate responsibility for his situation.

Lots of relationships do exist in which one partner runs the finances, but ask yourself - is this what you want? If that person has a serious accident or illness and the partner has to take over then your financial security is seriously at risk. It's not a healthy dynamic, in my view.

I delivered an ultimatum for my partner to attend Gamblers Anonymous. He did for a bit, then the excuses started again. I ended it. He's been gone 9 months now. The other day I opened a letter which arrived for him. It was from HSBC, recalling his £2k overdraft (which he always maxed out) because he'd stopped using the account and not repaid the money, and not responded to their previous correspondence. Another default, then. Yet I keep getting texts saying he's sorted himself out financially and asking me to meet up with him.

I'm so glad I'm out of the relationship, and that I kept our finances completely separate and never gave in to the temptation to lend him money. I made excuses for him for ages because I felt sorry for him, and spent way too much time trying to sort his baggage out for him. I'll never get that time back. Looking back, I was not in a partnership at all.

Make your expectations clear to your partner then step back and leave him to it. By all means help him if he asks for it, but don't do anything for him. Put your own needs first. If he's committed to you he'll step up to the plate. If not, get out of there.

moloko_plus

thank you everyone for your kind words and concerns. It was her gambling not him because she has admitted it and he had witnesses of her father and his step mother to which her father replied "Well shes always gambled...." And yes the mortgage is in both their names.

Yeah he pays the right amount of CSA payments. He was always concerned about where his money was going but obviously wanted to be able to stand and say he has always tried to provide for his kids.

She is off sick with "depression" ATM but hoping to go back to work (coincidentally just as her full sick pay runs out....)

I do feel like he buried his head in the sand and he was very naive. Ultimately he trusted her and didnt think she would ever do this to him. Because he worked two jobs and she only worked one part time she had the time to do finances so it wasnt so much not bothered rather didnt have time and she had plenty.

Hopefully we can do what a lot of you suggested and get some sort of plan worked out. For the record he has never asked for a penny off me and still insisted on paying for a recent lunch we had to celebrate me starting uni so the personal loan really was something I was taking on myself.

I guess a lot of my needs arent being met but what can you do when you are in this situation. I cant expect to be center when my partner is going through so much stuff.

-taff

moloko_plus wrote: »

I do feel like he buried his head in the sand and he was very naive. Ultimately he trusted her and didnt think she would ever do this to him.

Be careful you don't do the same.....

moloko_plus wrote: »

I guess a lot of my needs arent being met but what can you do when you are in this situation. I cant expect to be center when my partner is going through so much stuff.

You can decide if you are partners or not. True he has problems, but they are not your problems, and that if for the foreseeable future, they're just going to be non stop problems, think about whether you actually are partners.

Hermia

moloko_plus wrote: »

I guess a lot of my needs arent being met but what can you do when you are in this situation. I cant expect to be center when my partner is going through so much stuff.

If you stay with him just make sure that this dynamic does change at some point. IME needy people always find some reason to be needy and there is always some reason why they are being the takers in a relationship (I suspect some of them don't even realise they do this).

AliceBanned

She can't kick him out of the house. If he was unfaithful it may be a different matter. It sounds like he has let her walk all over him enough. He needs to see a divorce lawyer. He also needs to stand up to her. It always the woman who keeps the house and kids. Especially if he did nothing wrong.

AliceBanned

It isn't always the woman I meant to say. My male friend's ex moved out of house and left him with the kids. He refused to budge. I don't know any more detail obviously but he stood firm as he said legally he didn't have to move so he stayed until she chose to go. He slept on sofa for 2 years. Said why should the man always get kicked out?!