Care Homes Necessary Or Evil?

*~Zephyr~*

My opinion of care homes changed once my Grandmother moved into one last year.

We visited a few before one was chosen and the home we chose for her wasn't the poshest we saw, but it was homely. There was two halves of the home: one half was the "care" half, where residents needed a bit more help getting washed and dressed and to-and-fro the toilet; the other half was just a residential home for people who had opted to move into and were almost totally independent. GM was in the care side. The staff actually took them time to sit and chat in the dayroom. They would paint my Grandmother's nails and do her hair. One day a week they opened the kitchens to the more able residents and they baked up a storm. One of the male residents bought his collection of 78" records and they would have impromptu tea dances of an afternoon. All the residents were happy and the place, while it needed a bit of a lick of paint, didn't smell of cabbage and pee! It was absolutely the place for her to be in.

My Grandmother was never as nice as people thought she was. She appeared outwardly sweet and kind, but she wove a tangled web of lies that split our family in two for 25 years. So by the time she reached her nineties, she had alienated (or outlived) all her friends and almost no one visited her in her home. She was alone, and after a fall, Social Services said she could no longer live alone.

The home she went into was wonderful. Far, far better than she deserved. I would quite honestly be happy to live in a place like that when I'm old. I can't bear the thought of my Step-daughter feeling that she had to care for me.

margaretclare

IanRi wrote: »

I just hope to the heavens that I never have to end up in one. My Grandma and Grandad are well into their eighties and still completely self sufficient, living in the same house they've always been in and as 'with it' as ever. I hope that runs in the family.

But they are necessary, similarly to a previous poster. I've known of several couples where one has ended up needing constant care, suffering from dementia and the other simply can't cope, especially if they have their own health issues.

I don't think it's ever going to be a good feeling having to move a relative out of their home. But most people are not in a position where they can become a full time carer nor should they have to.

In a perfect world it wouldn't be necessary as everyone would stay in good health and mind until the day they died. not everyone is that lucky unfortunately.

Thanks for this. We have both recently entered our 80s and are still carrying on living at home. We're not all that mobile, but 25 years ago my first husband and I moved into this 2-bed bungalow. Sadly he only lived for 18 months in it, and I was left with redundancy and a mortgage. DH has lived here since 1997, we married in 2002. What we've done bit by bit over the years is to modernise, upgrade, make it all as user-friendly as possible. We're happy to pay someone else for the things we can't do - windows, gardening etc. We've looked at other options. McCarthy & Stone, Abbeyfield. There's a new Abbeyfield development in the next town. People have a one-room dwelling, everything en suite, with your own front door. There are different levels of 'care' depending on your changing needs. Abbeyfield advertise the fact that there are 3 cooked meals a day in the dining-room. This may suit a lot of people, but if I had 3 cooked meals a day I shouldn't be able to control my weight, so that's a no-no. Abbeyfield also seems more suitable for people on their own, not really big enough for 2.

If/when one of us is on his/her own it will be time for making these major decisions - hopefully not yet for a while. There is no 'family' within 150 miles and more. So whatever is decided is down to us to decide.

So long as we still have the car and can both drive, we don't need to be housebound. Internet shopping, banking etc is an absolute godsend. We don't have to go out shopping - can sit here and watch the rain. And look at the visiting animals overnight on the remote trail camera. Life is still good!

Firetastic

I thought of another point about Care Homes. Most of them are run as a business to make profit. In my area before I was even born there was one Care Home to serve the communities. Now we have an abudance of them which has saturated the market, meaning some can't be filled to capacity.

This is causing problems for the Care Home my Gran is in. Some parts of it have been closed down.

LameWolf

A lot depends upon the personality of the person concerned; as earlier posts have indicated, some people have had very positive experiences after moving to a care home; personally I'd sooner opt for Dignitas, because I'm not the kind of person who could cope with even the best care home situation.

bluelass

The EVIL part is mentioned in my post is because a lot of people think your evil if you put someone into care. Someone I know has a 82 year old uncle who is getting bad on his feet and grumpy and forgetful which are signs of dementia. He refuses to use a walking frame or wheelchair and from what I am told expects to be carried around if his legs feel sore, which is impossible given that is not exactly short and slim. A few weeks ago he called a taxi to take him somewhere and he got the driver to take him all over Manchester which was at least a good 16 mile trip from his house. On arriving back at his house he refused to pay the driver more than £5 and racially abused the taxi driver which resulted in the police being called to his address. He has refused to leave his local pub at closing time until they gave him another drink after hours and his next door neighbour told his wife he has been knocking on his door in the early hours saying he is starving. He obviously refused to see a doctor and says he will not go into care. He will not listen to anyone so he will only get worse and end up in a home.

Raine_E_Day

I cared for my mother, who had dementia, from a distance of 14 miles. I live in a one bedroom 3rd floor flat so could not have her here. She had severe arthritis also and could barely walk. She refused to move from her one bedroom home and was in complete denial about her diagnosis. She was a nightmare – phoning everyone at unsocial hours - sometimes I would receive ten calls after midnight, with her never remembering she had previously phoned. It was not just to me either, but the newsagent, her chiropodist, pizza delivery (she saw the number on a flyer), and she would reply to junk mail and any charity going, spending regularly over £500 a month on same. She thought I was still at school. In the end, my brother and I persuaded her by stealth to move into a home – on pretext of it being a holiday break in a hotel for Christmas. The home had said they could cope with her and I'd visited many before deciding on this one which had a homely and caring feel. However, even though they were listed as 'dementia carers', they decided after three months they could not cope with her. She was violent. I was told I had to remove her 'forthwith' with no notice. Social Servies (who were part funding) could only suggest two others which had vacancies. One was horrendous and the other so modern it was more like a hotel. I chose the latter. Mum actually spent only three nights there as every time she 'kicked off', they immediately sent her to hospital. She was charged for the six weeks she never spent there (£3000+) before she died a horrid slow, drugged death in hospital. I sat with her solidly for 3 weeks only returning home for 5 hours per night, but was not there at the end, although it would have made no difference to her.

I would never want to submit my children to having to go through what I did, - but what is the alternative? To live with family with above condition would be impossible, especially with young children and full time working parents. Unless you are very wealthy and can afford full-time live in care in your own home, a care home has to be a necessity, 'evil' or not. I think the OP's wording of 'evil' must be because this option is not ideal, and is not what one would choose if wealthy enough. Few, however, are in this positon.

Pollycat

bluelass wrote: »

The EVIL part is mentioned in my post is because a lot of people think your evil if you put someone into care.

Really?

Nobody questioned our decision (Mum, me & my sister) (backed up by local adult services) that Dad really did need to go into a care home after months of help at home provided by the Council.

If they had even dared to suggest we were evil I would have smiled sweetly and suggested they come and care for him at home on a 24 hour basis.
Ortherwise, they should 'shut-the-hell-up' about something they had no first-hand experience of.

He was safer in a home, Mum was less stressed. He was visited twice a day every day.
Where is the 'evil' in that?

bluelass wrote: »

Someone I know has a 82 year old uncle who is getting bad on his feet and grumpy and forgetful which are signs of dementia.

Being grumpy and forgetful may be signs of dementia but not in every case.

margaretclare

Being grumpy and forgetful may be signs of dementia but not in every case.

No, indeed.

The man described sounds a thoroughly unpleasant individual. Wanting to be carried? Leave it out!

LameWolf

Pollycat wrote: »

Being grumpy and forgetful may be signs of dementia but not in every case.

I'm grumpy and forgetful, but I can still do the cryptic crossword and the sudoku in the newspaper!;)

Pollycat

LameWolf wrote: »

I'm grumpy and forgetful, but I can still do the cryptic crossword and the sudoku in the newspaper!;)

Exactly!

I'm not sure that the traits described by the OP in post #26 indicate signs of dementia at all.
As margaretclare points out, he sounds a nasty piece of work who wants his own way and doesn't care who he steps on to get it.

I'm not at all sure that I would want to look after him 24 x 7 and I would be perfectly happy for anybody to consider me 'evil' because his only option was to go into a care home.