Dilema - friend terminally ill

Bluemeanie_2

I would never ever confront someone if I was told by my child that an adult had shouted at them. I'd be mortified that they'd played them up and the adult felt the need to tell them off! I'd ask the adult why they shouted and what they had done wrong so I could decide if they needed a stern word or punishing? But then I am old fashioned that doesn't believe in letting my child behave like an unruly brat and rule the roost!

thorsoak

AlisonHarrison wrote: »

Oh they want to come with me alright. They go out of their way to spend time with me.
I think that may be the trouble actually. They think I am much more fun than mum. I am probably not strict enough with them and they take advantage, so I probably have myself to blame to an extent. But this went way too far.
As for asking them to be reasonable and help their parents, you may as well ask them to cut off their own arm. They are totally spoilt and selfish. If they want it, they get it. Both materially and in terms of attention.

This is the most incisive thing I have seen on here. What I want to achieve is for me not to fall out with mum, and for me to be able to take them out or have them sleep over again. Not because I like them, but because it helps mum out.

Many thanks for your replies.

If that is how you feel, then the children will recognise it - and of course they will enjoy going out with you ...to wind you up!

You aren't doing anyone any favours by taking children out that you don't like. Find another way to help your friend.

Mrshaworth2b

thorsoak wrote: »

If that is how you feel, then the children will recognise it - and of course they will enjoy going out with you ...to wind you up!

You aren't doing anyone any favours by taking children out that you don't like. Find another way to help your friend.

I a hundred percent agree with this, it doesn't sound like you particularly enjoy their company and are doing it to be helpful however I wouldn't feel like my friend was helping if they felt about my children the way you feel about hers. There are plenty of other ways to help your friend. My mum for instance spent a lot of time indoors, she would have loved to have been taken out, no where extravagant or for a long time but just getting out may help?

pleasedelete

The children will also be having a really tough time. Maybe they just want attention of any kind. Have you contact done of the charities that support the children of terminally ill parents? Sounds like these children need love and care to me. Children respond to their environment and theirs sounds pretty challenging.

surveyqueenuk

Alison, have these 2 kids always been terrors? Or is it something that has developed since your friend's husband's diagnosis? I'm just wondering whether this behaviour is reactionary or not.

Either way, I think it is worth mentioning their behaviour to your pal. The family is already heading towards one of the hardest events they will ever face and this behaviour needs to be addressed before the inevitable happens.

AlisonHarrison

The kids have always been terrors. However, I do feel for them at the moment because of the situation as I know it is unpleasant at home. They do need support, and they do want attention which is why I do this. However, the bad behaviour is not just a recent thing. I know she only has herself to blame for all of this, but it is not the time to talk to her or to give her any home truths. Things are going to get much worse for her and the kids.
No, I don't like the kids. No one likes the kids. Even their grandparents avoid spending time with them. They are reluctant to go to the grandparents as the grandparents clearly have issues with them.
However, I still will continue to do this for her. Just because I don't like the kids and it is difficult does not mean that I wont hang on in there for her. She needs all the support she can get at the moment, and no one will take the kids so she and OH can get a break. We all have to do things we don't want to do, but we have to do them nonetheless. Her and hubby need a break. No one else seems to be giving them one, so I will have to.
Of course she would be horrified if she knew how I felt. What person in their right minds would not feel horrified. But I am able to hide this from her so that I can continue to support her.
My big concern in all of this is not to do something which will upset her.
I haven't, up till now, said anything to her. Primarily because she will undoubtedly say something to the kids which will mean that they wont come to me when she needs a break.
I was going to keep it that way, which is what PMlindyloo and happyandcontented suggest, and if anything is said, tell her that I had agonised over whether or not to tell her as I felt she had enough to deal with. However, I am concerned that many people seem to think I should say something.
I do hope she realises that I would not tell them off if it was not necessary. It isn't like she asked me to have them. I offered. If I was going to offer, I would not be gratuitously nasty.
However, you never can tell. We all like to think the best of our kids.
I do realise that I have brought this on myself by giving them too much leeway because of the situation, and the next time I will lay down the law hard and fast.
Its just I am concerned that if they say anything I don't want to be on the back foot trying to defend myself.

amistupid

Take them on activities like swimming or the cinema where they probably will behave and if they don't, there will be people in authority to put them straight.

redpete

AlisonHarrison wrote: »

Of course she would be horrified if she knew how I felt. What person in their right minds would not feel horrified. But I am able to hide this from her so that I can continue to support her.

Unless your username is your real name and your friend joins MSE and comes across this thread.

gettingtheresometime

AlisonHarrison wrote: »

The kids have always been terrors. However, I do feel for them at the moment because of the situation as I know it is unpleasant at home. They do need support, and they do want attention which is why I do this. However, the bad behaviour is not just a recent thing. I know she only has herself to blame for all of this, but it is not the time to talk to her or to give her any home truths. Things are going to get much worse for her and the kids.
No, I don't like the kids. No one likes the kids. Even their grandparents avoid spending time with them. They are reluctant to go to the grandparents as the grandparents clearly have issues with them.
However, I still will continue to do this for her. Just because I don't like the kids and it is difficult does not mean that I wont hang on in there for her. She needs all the support she can get at the moment, and no one will take the kids so she and OH can get a break. We all have to do things we don't want to do, but we have to do them nonetheless. Her and hubby need a break. No one else seems to be giving them one, so I will have to.
Of course she would be horrified if she knew how I felt. What person in their right minds would not feel horrified. But I am able to hide this from her so that I can continue to support her.
My big concern in all of this is not to do something which will upset her.
I haven't, up till now, said anything to her. Primarily because she will undoubtedly say something to the kids which will mean that they wont come to me when she needs a break.
I was going to keep it that way, which is what PMlindyloo and happyandcontented suggest, and if anything is said, tell her that I had agonised over whether or not to tell her as I felt she had enough to deal with. However, I am concerned that many people seem to think I should say something.
I do hope she realises that I would not tell them off if it was not necessary. It isn't like she asked me to have them. I offered. If I was going to offer, I would not be gratuitously nasty.
However, you never can tell. We all like to think the best of our kids.
I do realise that I have brought this on myself by giving them too much leeway because of the situation, and the next time I will lay down the law hard and fast.
Its just I am concerned that if they say anything I don't want to be on the back foot trying to defend myself.

The point is that if no-one will take the children in hand NOW what will happen when the inevitable happens?

Do they get to play up even more playing 'you can't shout at me because my dad's dead' card?

How long do they get to play that card?

Armchair23

Hey just a comment as someone who's husband died quite young and with a best friend who's terminally ill at the moment.
Please just be ordinary, don't try extra hard, don't be super tolerant or incredibly attentive.
Normality is the thing many of us seek desperately when everything else is just completely crazy.