Dilema - friend terminally ill

AlisonHarrison

My friend's husband is terminally ill so she is having a really tough time of it.
I have been taking her two children (age 9 and 12) for days out every few weeks just to take them out of the situation and give her a break.
Neither of them are particularly well behaved.
I took them to a theme park last week and they were so badly behaved I could have quite happily left them there. They were doing quite dangerous things and when I told them to stop they were just ignoring me and I had to physically pull them away a couple of times and I raised my voice on a couple of occasions.
(This is not a reaction to the situation BTW, they are often like this)
Now the dilemma is, should I mention it to my friend.
I am bothered that if I don't, they will say something like "Alison shouted at me and I was only ......" etc and I will be on the back foot and have to defend myself, as it may look like I was trying to hide something from her.
I really don't want to make things worse for her by telling her how bad the kids were. As well as this, she will probably scold them for what they were doing, so they may be reluctant to come with me again, or to stay overnight, and this may be necessary in weeks or months to come.
I also do not want to fall out with her.

ognum

I think you should tell her exactly what you have written. Maybe adding that you understand they need some leeway because of the situation.

It is better to be open and honest

yllop1101

Could you have a stern word with the children, something like 'i really want to look after you as your mum is a good friend of mine and she needs some time with dad, but you two are making it hard. I don't want to have to tell her I can't look after you anymore, so how about you be better behaved and everyone will be happy'.

Failing that, I would mention it to her but maybe play it down. Think of what you want to achieve by talking to her, eg. Her have a quiet word with them? Punish them? Thank you again for your efforts? And make your intentions clear, or else she may worry you're saying you don't want to have them or something.

You're doing a really kind thing.

gettingtheresometime

May be not a very money saving suggestion but here goes.

Next time you take them out warn them that any deviation from expected behaviour will result in everyone leaving whatever activity is being done.

And if they mis behave then do it.

My nephew is a little so and so but he knows that if he misbehaves with my mum when she takes him out they will leave and so behaves for her

thorsoak

Chldren - of all ages, and however well-behaved - will try and push boundaries with people that they "know" - but not that well. These children are, you say, normally not that well-behaved - have been allowed to get away with things possibly? - and especially at this time - are going to try to push boundaries even more.

It may be that they do not want to be out with you - if they know what the situation is, they may want to stay within the family confines. If this is the case, you will have to treat them with respect and tell them the truth "look - your mum and dad need a bit of time on their own as well as lots of time with you. You will be helping them both if you come out with me, we'll have as good a time as possible, and maybe you'll enjoy it. So what would you two like to do? I can't change anything for you, but I want to help you have as nice a day as possible".

AlisonHarrison

Oh they want to come with me alright. They go out of their way to spend time with me.
I think that may be the trouble actually. They think I am much more fun than mum. I am probably not strict enough with them and they take advantage, so I probably have myself to blame to an extent. But this went way too far.
As for asking them to be reasonable and help their parents, you may as well ask them to cut off their own arm. They are totally spoilt and selfish. If they want it, they get it. Both materially and in terms of attention.

yllop1101 wrote: »

Think of what you want to achieve by talking to her, .

This is the most incisive thing I have seen on here. What I want to achieve is for me not to fall out with mum, and for me to be able to take them out or have them sleep over again. Not because I like them, but because it helps mum out.

Many thanks for your replies.

PasturesNew

I'd offer to look after the husband while she takes the animals out. That'd be a real break for her from the four walls.

Give her the gift of days out with her kids.... what mum wouldn't want that, eh?

pickledonionspaceraider

PasturesNew wrote: »

I'd offer to look after the husband while she takes the animals out. That'd be a real break for her from the four walls.

Give her the gift of days out with her kids.... what mum wouldn't want that, eh?

That is a grand idea

Pollycat

I think the key thing is that you say these kids are not generally well-behaved so it's not the situation that is causing it.

I would tell your friend that they misbehaved.
If you don't they may tell her which could result in one of 2 scenarios:

1. she doesn't ask/let you have them again
2. she confronts you about shouting at them, possibly damaging your relationship as friends

Going forward, I would speak to the children - at age 9 & 12 they are old enough to understand - and tell them that if they do not behave next time you will not be taking them out again, As you say they want to spend time with you, that should focus their behaviour.
They are old enough to understand that their Mum needs some time out.

I was always far more strict with my niece & nephew than my sister but they loved spending time wtth me.
I think they knew the boundaries that had been set and the fact that if Auntie Pollycat said 'no', then it really did mean 'no'.
Not 'if I sulk, or throw a strop or whinge, I'll get what I want'.

I hope you get it sorted.

happyandcontented

I am sure their mum will accept that you wouldn't shout or tell them off unless there was good reason, so unless she mentions it I wouldn't bother her with the details as it sounds as if she has enough to deal with at the moment. I would do as has been suggested and make it clear where your boundaries lie and be consistent if they push them.

Also, I am not sure if your user name is your real name but, if it is, it would be easy for anyone who knows you both to identify you. Mum may not be happy with that.

pmlindyloo

Personally I think there is absolutely no need to tell their mum how badly behaved they are/were.

Since you say that they are badly behaved anyway (totally spoilt/selfish) she probably already knows!

You also say that you are 'probably not strict enough with them' so you are going to have to start setting the boundaries.

So, next time you take them out set the boundaries- tell them what they can and cannot do. If they do not adhere to these then immediately stop the activity. Really it is no different to what you should do with any children if they misbehave. You are the one in control and not them.

Perhaps you could also think of places to go where they have some boundary in the activity itself. For example, going somewhere where there is an instructor taking the activity - some new skill or adventure activity.

Also, I am not against a little bribery so the promise of a treat in the form of McDonalds/whatever can work!

Plus, don't forget to say how proud you are of them when they do something polite/sensible/achieve something. Even kids this age thrive on praise.

I think you are being such a supportive friend and in this instance no matter what you think of how your friend has raised her children now is not the time to raise the issue by reporting back what little s*ds they've been.

Good luck!