House Issues - Still Struggling! Please help...

KatieDee

Hi there everybody,

I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong forum - it was a tough decision between here or the housing section - I decided on this because a lot of people here may share my experiences!

I made a thread just over a year ago (how time flies!) about possibly regretting buying our house. Although the road we live on is lovely and picturesque, it is very close to an incredibly down trodden and depressing town centre. Crime is high in the surrounding areas and there have been several incidents close to our house (and sometimes involving it!) that have made me incredibly anxious. The last straw was having our shed burgled while we were both at work.

The house itself is a huge three bedroom with so much potential - bought for quite a bargain due to a couple of bad points (next to a block of flats, close to town centre, etc). Our mortgage is only over fifteen years and we are both in our late twenties. There is no way we could afford something this nice in a better area - not without buying a new build or having an extremely long mortgage. Unfortunately, due to putting such a huge deposit down, we have very little money to improve the property at present (another thing that is getting me down).

I suppose I'm just looking for some advice from people who have been in a similar situation. I understand that very few people buy their perfect house first off, but I think I was so amazed that we could actually buy a house that I rushed into it. I wish I had really thought about the various areas we could have bought in, but my heart ran away with my head and now I'm paying for it.

I can't settle, I am constantly anxious and although I can lock the doors and deal with it, I haven't been happy since we moved in. In the past year my partner proposed and we are now planning our wedding but while I am here, I just find it impossible to be happy. I just have to go into the town centre or hear some louts shouting down the street late at night for everything to topple down on me. I'm worried that my entire life is going to be negative while I'm living here and there's no way out.

We can't sell as my partner refuses to and even if we move, there's no guarantee I'll feel better.

At times I feel trapped and worry about what I'm going to do when it all gets too much. I am usually a very level headed and calm person but this current situation is just too much for me to cope with. My mental health is seriously deteriorating.

Help? :-(

Gloomendoom

You really need to talk to your partner. One of the things that contributed to me and my ex-wife divorcing was that she was really unhappy living where we did.

DomRavioli

Burglaries from outside buildings are really common in every area - you seem to be both overreacting and ruminating over that. I've had outbuildings broken in to twice in a month and I live in a fairly nice area.

People also shout down the street in most areas - I've lived in a fair few places with over 200 miles between some, and they exist everywhere. You call them louts, but they are human beings who may be going through some serious stuff and can only find relief in either shouting or engaging in behaviour that makes them shout. You never know someone else's struggles or what they are hiding, cut them some slack or tell them to be quiet.

You seem to be potentially having anxiety and depression - anxiety can be about anything. Why not try moodgym (a free online CBT programme - just google moodgym and sign up) or speak to your doctor who may recommend CBT locally or even medication such as anti-depressants which will improve your mood and stop you being so sensitive to noise.

If you want more money to improve the house, check out the up your income board (there's plenty you can do which do not take hours).

I have lived in some terrible places (had a murder committed literally on my doorstep) and some beautiful ones, you take the rough with the smooth, but you have to know when to accept help from someone as it really does sound like you need it.

Just know that it can and does and will get better; it needs your willingness to change the negative behaviours, your openness to change, and time for it all to work.

Take it from someone who has come through the other side of anxiety and depression.

onlyroz

If you have a lot of equity can't you remortgage to get some back for home improvements? Or could you take in a lodger?

KatieDee

DomRavioli wrote: »

Burglaries from outside buildings are really common in every area - you seem to be both overreacting and ruminating over that. I've had outbuildings broken in to twice in a month and I live in a fairly nice area.

People also shout down the street in most areas - I've lived in a fair few places with over 200 miles between some, and they exist everywhere. You call them louts, but they are human beings who may be going through some serious stuff and can only find relief in either shouting or engaging in behaviour that makes them shout. You never know someone else's struggles or what they are hiding, cut them some slack or tell them to be quiet.

You seem to be potentially having anxiety and depression - anxiety can be about anything. Why not try moodgym (a free online CBT programme - just google moodgym and sign up) or speak to your doctor who may recommend CBT locally or even medication such as anti-depressants which will improve your mood and stop you being so sensitive to noise.

If you want more money to improve the house, check out the up your income board (there's plenty you can do which do not take hours).

I have lived in some terrible places (had a murder committed literally on my doorstep) and some beautiful ones, you take the rough with the smooth, but you have to know when to accept help from someone as it really does sound like you need it.

Just know that it can and does and will get better; it needs your willingness to change the negative behaviours, your openness to change, and time for it all to work.

Take it from someone who has come through the other side of anxiety and depression.

I just wanted to thank you for your kind words and considerable response - I truly appreciate it.

Apologies for the "lout" comment. Very unfair of me and written in haste, rather than judgment.

A lot of my issues with the house do boil down to anxiety. Although I have been working really hard to try and manage my anxiety within the past few months, it feels as though it is pointless because I'll still be living here.

I have taken up more hobbies so I'm not in the house as much, tried to be more open minded, considered the good in this town as well as the bad and tried distracting myself when I feel that severe anxiety. However, at the end of the day, I'll still be here and I almost feel like I'm masking feelings which are there for a reason. I wonder if my anxiety is ruining my life here or whether my life here is causing my anxiety.

It only takes one thing to set it off - loud kids walking past or hanging nearby, a bang from outside, people talking at night walking past (I appreciate this sounds bonkers!) and anything remotely negative which happens in the area.

I truly want to be happy living here and if I could switch off this feeling of anxiousness tomorrow I would. I know we will never be able to afford anything this nice in the type of area I aspire to live in (perhaps for the wrong reasons). We will also be mortgage free in thirteen years if we stay here!

I think I've just lumped everything bad together and linked it to this house, which is stopping me seeing the good things

Remortgaging was an option to get the house done up to a higher standard but I don't think either of us want a longer mortgage.

We have so much coming up over the next year, including a wedding, but I feel it impossible to focus on this because of my anxiety about the house. I would hate it if what is supposed to be the greatest day of our lives was ruined by my stupid anxiety about a house which probably isn't nearly as bad as I feel it is.

Thank you so much for your responses so far - I would welcome anymore opinions or experiences also.

I feel I must also apologise for how egotistical and trivial this must sound - I do appreciate how fortunate we are to have a house and how silly my problems must sound to others who can see it from their own (less silly!) eyes.

milliemonster

If you've not settled by now, then it's not going to happen, unless money is no object then most of us have to settle for either a nice house in a not so nice area or a not so nice house in a nice area, we have to compromise on something and it's an individual thing on which you're prepared to compromise on.

We lived in a nice house but I hated the area, I knew almost straight away but put up with it hoping I'd get used to it, I didn't, we put the house on the market after a year, couldn't sell took it off the market and eventually sold it after 4 years.

When we moved from there to where we are now, I was much more particular about where we lived, and took much more care about what was important to me and my husband instead of just rushing headlong into something, we still have a nice house but the surrounding area was much more important to me, we have been here 7 years now and I am happy, settled and comfortable and have no regrets.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with your partner it's all very well him saying he refuses to move but does he know how unhappy you are? Over time this will form a wedge between you if you know in your heart of hearts you aren't happy where you are living now and I certainly wouldn't be planning a wedding when you have this big an issue that isn't resolved yet.

burnoutbabe

look into renting the house out and renting elsewhere, it should just about break even cost wise.

And i'd put off marriage if your partner won't consider options to make you happier.

belfastgirl23

To put it bluntly, is the issue the house or is it the anxiety? I am asking as someone who has also suffered from anxiety in the past. Whilst there were particular situations that definitely heightened my anxiety, if I removed those situations from my life then I started to feel anxious about other things. In the end, even leaving the house started to feel like something that made me anxious (obviously the exact opposite of your situation lol). In the end I had to face down the scary situations as this kept the world open for me. I could see how easy it would be to end up agoraphobic.

What I'm saying is, if you remove the house from the equation would you find something else to feel anxious about instead? Or would you stop feeling anxious? It's a hard question I know but I think you will have the answer inside yourself If the answer is honestly that it is about the house and neighbourhood and if you moved you would no longer feel anxious then you need to consider moving. If the answer is that you have anxiety issues and they are currently focused on your house then the answer is different - you need to do something more to manage the anxiety. Because it is like the hydra, if you cut a head off in one place it grows back somewhere else, often a little worse because you've let it win once.

I say all this and I'm conscious that one of my main criteria when buying a house is whether I could be comfortable in it on my own and I have really stuck to my guns on it as well.

enthusiasticsaver

I would also say you need to talk to your partner about this. We have been in a similar position having moved from a two bed terraced property in a lovely area in Surrey which we loved but when I fell pregnant quicker than expected with our second child it was just too small. We rushed into buying a bigger house in an area we were not that familiar with in Kent and hated it. It had a rough estate down the road and when I wheeled the pram past the local school I hated the way the parents spoke and swore at their children. We had a car and a shed broken into and I just could not settle but luckily my husband was of the same opinion.


In our case fate stepped in and my husband's company offered him a transfer to the West Country all expenses paid and we managed to buy a lovely house in a nice area and are still there now. If we had stayed in Surrey we probably would not have moved as all our friends and family were up there but moving out of the area was the best thing we ever did.


If I were in your position and you have not settled in more than a year I would start researching even if it means a longer mortgage term. You can always overpay to reduce it when you are financially settled. My dad always said to us choose houses based on location first. You can always change a house but you cannot change the area. If you are depressed due to where you live then your partner should empathise with that. Getting married is stressful enough without adding depression and being unhappy in your home into the mix.

KatieDee

burnoutbabe wrote: »

look into renting the house out and renting elsewhere, it should just about break even cost wise.

And i'd put off marriage if your partner won't consider options to make you happier.

Just to clear things up - my partner isn't just being stubborn regarding selling the house. He doesn't feel as though we can afford to sell after living here a year and is reluctant to purchase a new build (which is what we'd be looking at in a nicer area). He also loves the house and it's incredibly convenient for both of us regarding work and family. I think he is also concerned that if we do end up selling, moving and going through all the stresses of doing so, I will do exactly what Belfastgirl23 so rightly suggested and focus on something else

Basically, I think he would feel better about moving once he knows it isn't just a state of mind for me. He suggested that we stay here a few years and re-evaluate after the wedding (as although this is already covered financially, it's a very busy time and wouldn't be made easier if we were trying to sell the house).

I understand his points but I think he also struggles to understand just how much it is affecting me. I just wanted to make it clear that there are reasons behind his reluctance to sell right now and it isn't just down to him being stubborn

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

To put it bluntly, is the issue the house or is it the anxiety? I am asking as someone who has also suffered from anxiety in the past. Whilst there were particular situations that definitely heightened my anxiety, if I removed those situations from my life then I started to feel anxious about other things. In the end, even leaving the house started to feel like something that made me anxious (obviously the exact opposite of your situation lol). In the end I had to face down the scary situations as this kept the world open for me. I could see how easy it would be to end up agoraphobic.

What I'm saying is, if you remove the house from the equation would you find something else to feel anxious about instead? Or would you stop feeling anxious? It's a hard question I know but I think you will have the answer inside yourself If the answer is honestly that it is about the house and neighbourhood and if you moved you would no longer feel anxious then you need to consider moving. If the answer is that you have anxiety issues and they are currently focused on your house then the answer is different - you need to do something more to manage the anxiety. Because it is like the hydra, if you cut a head off in one place it grows back somewhere else, often a little worse because you've let it win once.

I say all this and I'm conscious that one of my main criteria when buying a house is whether I could be comfortable in it on my own and I have really stuck to my guns on it as well.

I think you are absolutely correct here...it's obvious you have some experience of anxiety! I am also worried that even if we were to move, it would only be a matter of time before I found something else to worry about (the size of the house, neighbours, schools, parking, lack of greenery, cost, etc) and then I would build up the same level of anxiety over different things.

I find it so hard to get help with my anxiety as the only help available has a waiting list of several months. I have been offered medication but I'm reluctant to take it as Im not keen on the potential adjustment period - the idea of feeling worse is horrible. I started reading some books on CBT which has helped me become slightly less of a complete anxious mess...I have learnt to recognise my triggers and deal with them rather than react immediately. However, I keep thinking that perhaps I should consider taking medication if this is some kind of physical response I'm having.

Sorry, this reads a bit like my thought processes as opposed to personal replies. I do appreciate your responses though!

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I would also say you need to talk to your partner about this. We have been in a similar position having moved from a two bed terraced property in a lovely area in Surrey which we loved but when I fell pregnant quicker than expected with our second child it was just too small. We rushed into buying a bigger house in an area we were not that familiar with in Kent and hated it. It had a rough estate down the road and when I wheeled the pram past the local school I hated the way the parents spoke and swore at their children. We had a car and a shed broken into and I just could not settle but luckily my husband was of the same opinion.


In our case fate stepped in and my husband's company offered him a transfer to the West Country all expenses paid and we managed to buy a lovely house in a nice area and are still there now. If we had stayed in Surrey we probably would not have moved as all our friends and family were up there but moving out of the area was the best thing we ever did.


If I were in your position and you have not settled in more than a year I would start researching even if it means a longer mortgage term. You can always overpay to reduce it when you are financially settled. My dad always said to us choose houses based on location first. You can always change a house but you cannot change the area. If you are depressed due to where you live then your partner should empathise with that. Getting married is stressful enough without adding depression and being unhappy in your home into the mix.

Very good points - thank you for sharing your experiences

Perhaps I could look into future options. Maybe get a valuation, focus on making the property as neutral as possible so if we do decide to sell in the near future then we can get it all in place quickly. I would probably feel happier in the property if it felt a bit newer as well! Hopefully by doing this as well as the other changes I'm making to my life, I can manage until something else can be done.

retireby50

One issue that is reducing your financial flexibility is your view that 25 years is a long mortgage - from my experience 25 is normal and 15 is short. As has been pointed out you can also overpay later to shorten the term.