care for an elderly relative

atush

I am sure many here have frightened off the OP lol. But they do face consequences for the situation they find themselves in.

I know what you mean by bathrooms. Which is why I have never had a house with just one (apart from our gite in france- but 2 weeks a year with just one bathroom is enough for me

mumps

atush wrote: »

Great for you. But sometimes for others it can be a disaster?

I wish my mother was still with us. But not in the same house.

in any case, most of us love our parents/grandparents enough for the decision to be more flexible. i would have worked my fingers to the bone to make her happy. In her own home or elsewhere. But for my own mental health I needed a safe refuge from her behavioral disorders.



sometimes people here are so very holier than thou

I didn't say it was right for everyone, I was replying to a post that said from their experience it doesn't work. I was just pointing out that it can work for some people.

I think the crack about people(me) being holier than thou is totally unfair. At no time did I say it was right for everyone, at no point did I make any judgement about it being the right or wrong thing to do. As an example my husband would have committed murder if his mother lived with us due to a personality clash. He loved my mother and had no issues with her living with us. He loved his mother but they just couldn't spend time together without falling out.

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

True.

I think most modern houses are unsuitable for a three-generation household. Conflicts over one bathroom in a house. Bathroom needing to be adapted for disabilities. Two women in the same kitchen. Conflicts over leisure activities. Someone who was used to having her own house, own space, own facilities, suddenly having to share them. Teenage children.

In a bigger house with the possibility of more space, a conversion to a 'granny flat' or studio apartment where independence can be maintained, it could work then. I've had it said to me by many different people over the years, there is no substitute for having your own front door.

However, in the present discussion, we still know no more about why this was done, the nitty-gritty of grandmother's age, state of health at the time, amount of money involved, why her health deteriorated so rapidly without warning, etc etc. The OP is not forthcoming with these details.

Depends on people, we didn't have a granny flat, shared one kitchen and one bathroom. The only time it ever caused conflict was if the kids were noisy when Coronation St was on (her favourite programme). Like I say it depends on the people concerned.

Perhaps you would like to explain why I was being holier than thou. you have one experience, I have another. Where is the problem, are you the only one allowed to comment?

buglawton

Clear inheritance tax laws push well off people to gift their home 7 years or more before they think there's a risk of dying.
Benefits laws have vague statements about clawing money back from beneficiaries to fund care.
All in all, the law is as usual a small donkey, 3 across. Each and every case would have to be tested in court if necessary - good for lawyers bank accounts were LAs to actually try and pursue it, which they so rarely do.

atush

mumps wrote: »

Depends on people, we didn't have a granny flat, shared one kitchen and one bathroom. The only time it ever caused conflict was if the kids were noisy when Coronation St was on (her favourite programme). Like I say it depends on the people concerned.

Perhaps you would like to explain why I was being holier than thou. you have one experience, I have another. Where is the problem, are you the only one allowed to comment?

reread your post. will explain everything?

It depends on the people, the money, the house, the number of children.... all sorts of things.

If you want exact comments on your situation, then post exact information? As you made it sound ever so easy?

I agree, the OP shoud have considered exactly your situation. And could have funded it legally from the house proceeds (incl buying a larger house).

xylophone

Benefits laws have vague statements about clawing money back from beneficiaries to fund care.

Not so very vague, particularly where there seems to have been a blatant attempt at deprivation...

http://www.payingforcare.org/deprivation-of-assets

http://www.lawsociety.org.uk/support-services/advice/practice-notes/gifts-of-assets/

The above points out that while LAs have been reluctant to push as far as insolvency, with increasing pressure on budgets this may not remain the case.

margaretclare

Was it I who was accused of being 'holier than thou'? Or someone else?

I certainly did not think it was me. I questioned why this was done in the first place. 6 months afterwards the lady's health deteriorated? Very very suddenly?

In our case, my first husband and I, we really didn't know what we were taking on. That was in the mid-70s when no one really talked about 'Alzheimer's'. The experiences we had then led me to offer the opinions I did. Nothing about being 'holy'.

Pollycat

margaretclare wrote: »

Was it I who was accused of being 'holier than thou'? Or someone else?

Here's where the 'holier than thou' comment came from.

atush wrote: »

sometimes people here are so very holier than thou

I'm not sure if that poster was actually accusing anyone who'd posted of that or if it was just a general comment.

quidsy

How old are the grandchildren? If under 18 and the money is in a ctf or isa then how would it be retrieved before they turned 18? Interesting premise.

I have to wonder at who's encouragements she gave up her home, liquified assets to cash and then handed it all over to grandchildren. Were promises made to support and fund her old age or did she really not think it through and expect the local authority to take over her health care needsnwhen the time came. .

mumps

atush wrote: »

reread your post. will explain everything?

It depends on the people, the money, the house, the number of children.... all sorts of things.

If you want exact comments on your situation, then post exact information? As you made it sound ever so easy?

I agree, the OP shoud have considered exactly your situation. And could have funded it legally from the house proceeds (incl buying a larger house).

I said it can work and I am sure we aren't the only people it worked for so didn't see the need to give all the details and I still don't.

My exact words were It can be a bright idea and it can work in some families. My mother lived with us for some years, she loved the contact with GC and they loved having her there.

If you look at my post you will see I wasn't suggesting the OP should do it I was replying to someone who said in her experience it never worked and I was illustrating that it can work. I can't imagine how I could have been clearer than saying it can work for soem families.

I was under the impression that people came on here and expressed their opinions and their experience, didn't realise they had to get your permission. Perhaps you could write some guidelines for us so that no one offends you? Just so you know I think the holier than thou comment was offensive.

I thought it was valid, in case anyone was thinking of doing it, that it can work as they might be put off by people saying it doesn't work. It doesn't hurt to have the broader picture does it.