Words of wisdom needed from working Mums (and Dads) please!

gettingtheresometime

The one thing I will say to any working mum is don't believe you can be supermum something has to give.

If that's changing from full time to part time, getting a cleaner or someone to do the ironing, not always cooking from scratch or (god forbid) not being the contestant that the great british bake off missed.

Don't beat yourself up if the house isn't show home clean.

DigForVictory

If you a child happy in nursery, really check All The Angles before rocking the boat. I tried part time to spend more time with my children. They were quite clear that the food, games & company at nursery were better.

My maternal pride shredded, I tucked them back into where they see happy & dived back into work where even the worst boss couldn't hurt me that much...

That they settled brilliantly for a full lime dad? Both added salt & reassured me they were happy

Kynthia

How old is your child right now and is returning to work imminent or are you worrying ahead of time?

I am part of an NCT group of 8 and we all returned to work between October last year and April this year. There were fears, worries, nursery hunts, flexible working applications, etc. however I can say that everyone found it not as bad as they feared and many enjoyed being back at work. The first few weeks can be hard getting your baby settled in the nursery and getting used to being in work all day. However there's the nice aspects of adult company, using your knowledge and conversational skills again, eating and drinking uninterrupted, and actually getting a lunch break and chance to read a book on the commute.

So my advice would be to initially go back to your current employer. They know you and you know them so the transition may be easier than somewhere new. A lot of people found their child didn't settle well in nursery the first week which can be stressful. Plus if you had any enhanced maternity pay you may need to return for a few months or repay it. Then after three months assess what is working, what isn't, and what you'd like to change. You could apply to reduce your hours there or look for a new job with a shorter commute or that is part time. You may find you feel different to how you thought you'd feel so it's good to keep your options open.

I really enjoy being back at work and we've sacrificed some income to allow my husband to go part time. Who knows how long that situation may last as Im being made redundant soon and he'd like a job nearer home, plus another baby might be in the cards. The thing is whatever you decide doesn't have to be forever and you can make changes, but everyone I know found returning to work wasn't as bad as they feared even if they don't intend to stay forever.

jackyann

You don't say how old your baby is.

You have good practical advice above, and I would add: think about these things:

1. all children learn gradually to separate - look how close a baby curls into mum, but as just a few weeks pass, is more upright and looking out more. What quite rightly feels devastating at a few weeks will feel more reasonable later.

2. No family is perfect. Throughout history families have had to make the best choices they can, then make them work (as Digfor Victory says). The mix of part-time work, family & nursery care etc. is all very individual. Do the best you can, and say to your LO: "I wish it were different, but here we are, you go to nursery & have a good time, I'll go to work, and we'll be together this evening". Baby won't understand the words, but will understand your voice.

3. Children who are well loved and cared for are resilient. They learn to cope when things aren't perfect - a valuable skill.

4. Don't beat yourself up. Even though you don't feel like it, take a deep breath and start arranging childcare - treat it as an organisational exercise, and get someone (partner, mum, trusted friend) to help. Tell yourself you don't have to go through with it, you just have to have it in place.

5. Talk to your Health Visitor about how you are feeling.

And as a final PS: the idea of mums staying at home with small children is a relatively new one in history. Most mums were well looked after and supported with new babies, but then most have had to work in some way or another, with young children being cared for by family or friends.

Please only take any notice of this if it is helpful! Always difficult on a forum to know what will be useful.

Jagraf

jackyann wrote: »

You don't say how old your baby is.

You have good practical advice above, and I would add: think about these things:

1. all children learn gradually to separate - look how close a baby curls into mum, but as just a few weeks pass, is more upright and looking out more. What quite rightly feels devastating at a few weeks will feel more reasonable later.

2. No family is perfect. Throughout history families have had to make the best choices they can, then make them work (as Digfor Victory says). The mix of part-time work, family & nursery care etc. is all very individual. Do the best you can, and say to your LO: "I wish it were different, but here we are, you go to nursery & have a good time, I'll go to work, and we'll be together this evening". Baby won't understand the words, but will understand your voice.

3. Children who are well loved and cared for are resilient. They learn to cope when things aren't perfect - a valuable skill.

4. Don't beat yourself up. Even though you don't feel like it, take a deep breath and start arranging childcare - treat it as an organisational exercise, and get someone (partner, mum, trusted friend) to help. Tell yourself you don't have to go through with it, you just have to have it in place.

5. Talk to your Health Visitor about how you are feeling.

And as a final PS: the idea of mums staying at home with small children is a relatively new one in history. Most mums were well looked after and supported with new babies, but then most have had to work in some way or another, with young children being cared for by family or friends.

Please only take any notice of this if it is helpful! Always difficult on a forum to know what will be useful.

This is an excellent post :T

As mums we are so often told by other mums how we should be doing things when all we really want to hear is that the best way of doing things is doing our best.

Alchemilla

I hear you.
You need a plan,
Will you go back to the familiar job to start with?
Could you request part time and have it considered sensibly?
Once some things firm up, your thinking about it will be clearer.

When you do go back, just do 20 minutes, and when you have survived that, another 20 minutes. Before you know it a day will have passed and that's the hardest part done.

Alidolly

There are pros and cons to going back to work

Pros - extra money into the household
Independent time to be other than a Mum
Company of others that can talk about things other than kids and people you already know
Routine
Pension contributions
Continue with career (if you have qualifications / need to do CPD)
Don't have to retrain later when child is older or take a job below any qualifications you already hold.
May be able to work part-time
Child gets to socialise with other children
Getting most of the childhood illnesses out the way like chickenpox before they start school so they don't miss lessons.


Cons
Miss baby
Cost of childcare
having a permanent cold for the first 6 months as baby shares what's going round the nursery!
Usually trying to do a full time job on part-time hours (if working part-time)
If travel involved in your job, not being There to kiss goodnight


It really depends on whether your family would be better or worse off if you were to go back (and at how many hours). I went back part-time as I had a job where I couldn't remain out of the field for too long or my skill set wouldn't be up to date if I waited. I chose part-time (though I do check emails etc at weekends). Childcare is horribly expensive but we have extra money so can afford holidays etc. my week is also better structured as I have 3 days work, 2 days with daughter so have better "quality" time with her rather than quantity and 2 days family time. She's got lots of friends and is outgoing (starting school in August).

Working engages the brain, as much as it is great to be with baby, it's also tedious at times so gives me a break and adult conversation rather than In the Night Garden and how I'd cheerfully trottle Justin Fletcher as watching his programmes for the 300th time drives you insane!

But, everyone is different. Have a chat with your HR department and see what they can offer. Ultimately, you need to be happy as well as baby - if you're stuck at home bored, you'll be unhappy and conversely, if you miss baby too much you'll also be unhappy. Could always return to work and see how it goes...,

Good luck!

Dormouse1940

Thank you all, sincerely.
Whilst I've been telling myself most of the above, it makes such a difference hearing this from impartial sources!


I know that I have to return to work; I have always known that, unless something miraculous happened, this would be the case so I think it's just all the uncertainty that is bringing me down.


It pretty much comes down to:


Go back to old job and get the boy settled in a nursery near our work (me and the other half work in the same town, due to commuting time we couldn't get Boy into a nursery in our hometown) BUT the pay is poor and I'd be left with so little salary left over after childcare costs every month I'd really struggle to feel it was worth the angst


Or: Look for better paid job closer to hometown (with the added stress of interviews and no set dates to settle with childcare providers)


I keep swinging between the two. Baby is nearly 8 months now, so I NEED to be getting focused!


I'll be much better when I know what's happening- then I can make peace with myself and the (necessary) decision and get on with doing the best for my family.


I just needed a rant so thank you all for letting me get it off my chest, and offering the calm common sense I needed.
Really appreciate the time you took to get back to me.


Still not come to any conclusions, but have been looking at jobsites (even applied for a couple eeek!) and am arranging visits to nurseries next week.
So hopefully this will help me feel a bit more confident!?

gettingtheresometime

Actually when I returned to work I specifically chose a nursery that was near OH's place of work as I decided that if we were needed we were relatively on hand.

Also as we went to work together (I travelled into the city centre on the train which took about 15 minutes) if Oh was delayed then I could go and get our son and then wander around the town until OH was ready.

As it happened I always joked (as this was pre tax credits) that my salary should just be split in two with one half paid to the mortgage people and the other to the nursery so its an age old thing!

Spendless

15 years ago when I had eldest, I couldn't return part-time. My employer only employed full-timers. The childcare bill was equivalent to my wages. I quit as I didn't see the point in working full-time for no salary at all, even out of pocket by the time I'd added on work expenses such as travel costs.

A few months later, struggling to manage on just 1 salary, I found a part-time evening/weekend job. I worked when husband was at home and we had no childcare to pay out for.

Is doing something like this a possibility?