Words of wisdom needed from working Mums (and Dads) please!

Dormouse1940

Sorry if this is a long rambling message posted in the wrong place but I need to sound off to someone and figured that there was enough common sense on this forum to offer me some perspective... so, deep breath:


Can anyone please offer any advice or reassurance about returning to work? I feel so stressed out, I have no idea what I'm doing re rtw, whether I'm should go back to my old job or to try find better one that's more closer to home... but this means I have no idea when I may be going back either... which makes sorting childcare nigh on impossible.
I know I have to work to pay the bills, sadly, and I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects of my son having a great time at nursery and me being able to contribute and provide for my family. I keep telling myself that the heartbreak I feel at the thought of leaving my little one is nothing compared to the heartbreak I'll be feeling when I can't pay the rent or feed us, BUT this doesn't stop those increasingly frequent moments of panic/grief/confusion/pain/stress I'm experiencing at the thought of having to leave him with strangers so much.
It just seems so wrong, even though I know there's no way round it.


Basically... who's been there, done that, and found it worked out ok eventually?


Please share stories, advice and coping strategies. I'm a wreck right now and just need someone to talk sense at me!

GwylimT

My wife and I both changed from full time to part time workers before we had our children, however until we both found suitable part time work we both saved half our wage to get used to a bit less money and to save.

When our two children were born we both took six weeks off each time and after that we both returned to work. We remained in the same sector.

Jagraf

My husband left me when DD was two. We had both been working full time since she was about six months (I have to say though that she really did enjoy it or I would have struggled more).

When husband left, my hours became even longer. She went to school at 4 years old and attended after school club, sometimes she was the last child there. He moved away so couldn't help with pick ups, drop offs.

She's sixteen now. I can't see how she's any different from those parents who don't work. I think either works.

Kids need love. However you provide it is still love.

It will feel so unimportant when they reach adulthood.

You obviously care. Go with what you need to do to make it work for you xx

Jagraf

Oh one piece of coping strategy. Look to see if your child is happy. If they are, then that means whatever you are doing is working.

Rummer

If you have a job already then that adds a bit of security while you are deciding what to do next. Why not take the time to look at the job market and to see if there are jobs in your field of work closer to home? Do you have a job that would allow for reduced hours or flexibility? Or maybe consider a change in direction and follow a different career path.

Finding the right childcare for your DS will make the world of difference so have a look at the nurseries/childminders in the area and find one that makes you feel comfortable. My DD loved nursery and thrived in the environment.

It can be hard to return to work if you would rather be at home with your children however there are ways to make the transition easier for all of you.

duchy

Most women would prefer to spend more time with their babies but as you say those bills need to be paid.

You do have choices
Fulltime versus part-time
Mortgage rather than renting and getting housing benefit
Moving to a cheaper area
Choosing a work pattern that you are comfortable with

I was at one point or another a SAHM, part-time and full-time and a shift worker between the time my son was born and started school at nearly five. Of all of them part-time worked best both financially and emotionally. The key is childcare you trust. I used really good childminders when he was small (I interviewed loads until I found the right one) and nursery when he was a bit older and benefited from the larger dynamic .

DigForVictory

My tombstone will read "it worked for us". Which with two babies was a marvellous nursery (took searching for!), and with three became me the working parent & Himself first on career break then stay at home parent.
The lads are now healthy happy cheery louts of teenagers - and we're still married, so it's working for us.

If necessary drop home standards a bit. Sterilising flat surfaces? Ironing sheets? Ease off buying clothes that show if they've been ironed & focus on easy wash, easy dry & easy hauled on out if the drawer... For your children - you may need to wave a professional flag but a signature outfit that works for you may be a way forward?

Enjoy the little dears. If they're happy, then your balance is good. If you're *all* happy, let us know how?!

PeacefulSlumber

I have been there and completely identify with the heartbreak you are going through.

I have two kids, dd is almost 8 and ds is almost 3. I rtw full time with dd when she was 4 months old and again rtw full time with ds when he was 11 weeks old. We were drowning in debt when we had both our kids and I had absolutely no choice but to keep earning.

I was lucky that i had a lot of support from my mum and aunt who did a lot of free childcare, is help from family an option? With ds I also came to an arrangement with a friend who was a SAHM and I paid her to have my son, this worked brilliantly until he was 5 months old and then he went into nursery.

With regard to nurseries, find a good one through recommendations and go for one in a convenient location and trust yourself with your decision. It will be harder for you than for your child, remember they know no different and are very adaptable!

Our circumstances have changed drastically and we are now in tip top financial health and have emigrated abroad so have no family near by. I am now a SAHM but choose to send my son to nursery 3 mornings a week because we would both go insane without that time away from each other.

Ultimately I would say leaving your baby will be nowhere near as bad as you think and your new routine will feel like second nature in a few short weeks.

Good luck!

Madmel

I agree that part-time gives the best if both worlds, but almost 16 years on, it was career suicide for me.

DD1 attended nursery p/t from 5.5 months. We were lucky that DH's work had a brilliant nursery that had space for her. The staff in the baby room were all mature ladies (all were or about to become grandmas) and nothing fazed them. Due to fluctuating hours, DD1 was never full-time, but did as much as 4 days per week. I did miss her, but she had a brilliant time and got to do all those messy things like finger-painting that I could not face. It gave her a flying start to life and she settled immediately into primary school.

I'm too old to have any more children, but if I had my time again, I would send her to nursery for the socialisation and the stuff she learned.

SmlSave

I remember being a panicky mess when I returned back to work after a years mat leave, I was convinced that I'd be a weepy mess at work.

I was fine...being able to drink hot coffee! Eating my lunch with no 'helper'! Going to the loo, by myself!

DS was upset to be left at nursery for a few months, at least till I left the room then he'd go off playing. Little so-n-so.

DD was put in nursery at 6 months and settled much quicker.

I think when you know what your work is going to be and you can get organised you'll feel much better. Then see how it goes. You are not a bad mum for going to work, use non work days to play and stuff the housework and 'should do's'.

I now work 3 to 5 days a week and I seriously look forward to my days at work, just as I look forward to my days with the kids (esp after dealing with cr#py clients). I would not be a good SAHM which I'm sure I should apologise for.

Saffagal

I was full time before I had my daughter, then had a year off with her before returning to work. I reduced my hours to part time; officially I do 2 and a half days a week, though since last October have been doing extra hours making it usually just making it up to 3 full days.
My daughter goes to nursery - she was 1 when she started. She absolutely LOVES it. She often asks me if it is a nursery day even when it isn't and when I fetch her is often not ready to leave!
The nursery I chose didn't have the newest toys, it didn't have the most amazing buidling... but the staff are loving, caring and enjoy being with the children. It is also convenient for us to get to.
I feel as though I have the best of both worlds - I get some financial independence through my work, and my daughter gets to spend time away from me, learning to share and interact with other children. Because I'm part time, I also get to have special time with her during the week.

I'm pregnant again and OH wants our daughter to stop nursery whilst I am on mat leave. We are having an ongoing argument about this as feel that her not going at all will be detrimental to her development and she will lose out on the socialisation and learning she gets there.