Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

Another pyjama day... Watching the tennis and reading.

Got £15 Amazon voucher from ValOp and another £5 from PC, so current Amazon balance is £20.66
Torn between getting some extra treats for Xmas and saving towards the handbag. Or I could save it towards clothes and a pair of trainers sometime next year... In the past, I would have spent it all wothout thinking, but now I'm wondering if buying sweets is just a waste — I won't exactly starve over Xmas and will have some treats, even if my choice is restricted through being vegan. And as much as I would love to get my parents another present each, it's not necessary. Plus it's difficult to find somethings for my dad, though I'm eyeing up Nine on DVD for my mum (and a little for my benefit!). I'm also tempted by a vegan Xmas cookbook... Maybe I'll wait and see if I build up the balance much more over the next couple of weeks.

belleandthebudget

I always get that feeling of indecision when I have vouchers - before getting them I have a wishlist full of things I want but when I have them I can never choose!

AspiringButAnxious

Glad it's not just me! Decided against the cookbook for definite — the reviews said it used a lot of American ingredients which are harder to come by in the UK. I checked the index too and it didn't seem overly inspiring. I would probably like it, but not enough to spend £7 (used copy) when there are plenty of other things I would prefer! Also veering away from sweets: I can make my own for much less money (though my mum pays for the ingredients, so it would be free — just means I have to make loads so that the whole family can have some) and tailor them to my tastes.

I owed my parents £58 this month, thanks to my dog having his annual injection and needing more food. I have paid £31 in cash from my savings pot and will pay the remainder tomorrow. It means I can't add much to my savings accounts, but never mind. It just feels like I'm progressing very slowly.

I have felt a little better over the weekend, but not a lot. I was focused on the tennis, so that helped. Went to the woods today — first time I've walked the dogs for a few days — and got hit by a falling branch. It was 6 feet long, but only acouple of inches wide and the top of my right arm bore the brunt. The other end caught the edge of my mum's face, so it was a good job I got hit first. I then slid down a bank on the way back to the car and landed heavily on my @rse, scraping my hands and leg on the way down. Think I might be bruised tomorrow!

Orange_Ena

Blimey, I hope you're Ok ABA. I didn't realise dog walking could be so dangerous!

Hope you have a good week

crazy_cat_lady

Oh no :eek: Hope you're not too stiff and sore in the morning.
Pleased you're managing to get out and about, even if the weather is conspiring against us all at the moment.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks guys I ache a lot today! Think I tried to break my fall with my left arm and leg, so the muscles got a little strained and my back aches where it was jarred. Strangely, my scraped fingers and ankle have been bothering me the most — my trouser leg rubs on the latter and I keep catching or rubbing my fingers on things. Got faint bruise on my right arm, which isn't as dramatic as I thought it would be — maybe it hasn't come out yet. Getting hit by the branch was hilarious — I couldn't stop laughing, despite the pain!

Today, I have paid my mum what I owe her and transerred monies into my savings. £11.46 added to my rainy day fund brings it to a smidge under £30 and £50 to EF leaves it less than £20 under my £300 target for the year.

Wish I felt up to doing more to get a job/earn money. I feel better than I did last week, but still fragile and a writing submission deadline I hoped to meet today is about to whoosh past (to say nothing of my abandoning NaNoWriMo). Disappointing and frustrating.

I think I should follow Crazy Cat Lady's example and set some Goals for December:

1. Spend as little as possible when shopping — aiming for just Tesco Value cola. Anything left out of the £20 discretionary spending I automatically pay my parents can be taken off the loan. There will be loads of sweets and yummy food around at Xmas anyway, so I don't need more junk.

2. Write and submit a story. I have a submission deadline in mind, but since it gives me only a week to write the story, I will allow myself to enter anything anywhere.

3. Make an effort to practice gratitude, mediation and yoga — most days, if not every day. Even 2 minutes spent on each would make a difference.

4. Blog at least once a week. Trickier, considering my current depression, but the blog is about mental health so I suppose I could just whine about how awful I feel!

5. Keep up my intermittent fasting and try not to stuff myself during the eating periods!

AspiringButAnxious

More stress, thanks to Working Links... Got a phone call from a eoman I have never heard of, let alone met, so got my mum to call her back since I'm in no fit state etm. Apparently, she was very abrupt — to the point of rudeness — and not at all sympathetic. My mum explained that my anxiety and depression have gotten much worse recently, but her attitude was "we have to send out appointments, so she has to come" and she didn't even try to schedule an appointment at a time when my mum can come with me (i.e. Friday afternoons). The only "advice" we were given was to contact my Job Centre advisor and see my doctor. How the f**k am I supposed to find work when the people who are supposed to help me don't attempt to understand my mental health problems, let alone accommodate them?

So now I'm more stressed than ever and just wish my life was over. I can't cope with all of this and my mum can't afford to support me and shoulder my debt. My parents are doing a lot as it is — I pay little rent and they took out a loan on my behalf so that I wouldn't be crippled by my credit card interest. I'm a burden to them and I honestly think they would be better off without me.

Earlier today, I spent £15 on ebooks so my Amazon balance is only £5 now. I was looking forward to reading them, but now I can't enjoy anything. Hope that changes by tomorrow afternoon — I am visiting a friend and meeting her baby. I just don't know what to do. It was bad enough before I was in debt, when I lived off my savings for a while — my current savings cover one month's rent and loan payment. I'm in such a state that I can't even think about job hunting right now — ironically, this is mainly due to the way Working Links have treated me over the past few weeks.

Bobarella

So sorry to hear all of that AbA. I don't know you or your parents personally but I cannot believe they feel that they'd be better off without you in their lives. Your Mum sounds wonderful and supportive.

I am sure all your supporters here want to see you get through this very tough time as best you can. Sometimes when things feel so bad we forget that they won't always necessarily be the same in a week, a month or a year. Life is unpredictable and your situation may be just about to improve. You have to hang in there to find out.

Thinking of you.

Bob

crazy_cat_lady

I'm just putting my teacher head on for a minute...
Yes, your parents are your parents, but they aren't obliged to offer you the help and support that they are. It may feel like it's expected, but honestly they wouldn't do it if they didn't want to help you. Really. They aren't better off without you, and they love you regardless because they're good parents and that's what a good parent does. Honestly.
Back to CCL mode now...
The thing that breaks my heart most about dh being ill is that he feels so worthless within himself, and he just can't seem to see the good in him that everyone else can see so clearly. That's where my frustration with him lies - he genuinely thinks he's completely pointless and all he does is cause upset. Which is not true.
Please look after yourself, and don't let those working links so-and-sos get to you. Take the help from your mum - you'll always be her little girl, and she will feel better knowing that she can do something to help.
Much love :grouphug:

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks Bob My mum says she won't be better off without me, but I cause so much stress that I find it hard to believe. They have to support me financially, take days off to attend appointments with me, walk my dog when I can't... It wasn't so bad when I felt improvement; I didn't feel so guilty.

Just bought 2 more ebooks, so down to 24p on Amazon... Hard to resist price drops on books I really want to read, but also an element of spending to make myself feel better.