I WILL get there!!

Bobarella

Kirsty wow that's big news.

kirtsypoos

It's scared me quite a bit Bob, but I'm trying not to think about it. Which isn't too difficult at the moment as this morning I found a few photos (screenshots) on OHs tablet of pictures of a woman from a dating site.
I had thought we were getting somewhere but I feel like we are right back to square one.

Kitten868

Oh Kirsty. You can't chase him into oblivion stupid idiot he is. Are they dated now or before the row?
It's weird with test results - they confirm what you knew but they're still a shock. Is it surgery on your stomach? Ulcers? Poor you. All this is made worse by stress so you have a responsibility to yourself to get yourself away from stress.

kirtsypoos

I don't know what to do at the moment Kitten. I feel like sitting here crying but that won't get me anywhere. There isn't a date on them but I know he deleted everything he had the morning I found out so I can only guess they are from since.
Yeah it's called a fundoplication so they will take part of my stomach and stitch it around the oesophagus to stop the acid leaking back up into my throat.

Kitten868

It seems harder to pull apart your life and undo all the things you've built up then it does to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. I know that you are trying to help him overcome this stage he seems to always hit in a relationship but you are important too. He can't totally run you down to worthless as that's no base for a relationship. I know why you gave him another chance but I think you need to think more about what you want than saving him this time. He's shown no signs that he actually wants to fix things, I know he's said things but he's not done anything. And now he's betrayed you again. I'm not telling you what to do, I am not in your relationship. I just wanted to give you some outside perspective.
Well that surgery sounds awful. You're going to need a lot of support for that. Hope they've outlined what to expect from it. I'm currently ignoring worrying symptoms. It's such an everyday struggle with health issues.
I'm sorry Kirsty. It doesn't rain it f***ing pours xxxxx

Bobarella

Oh no that just isn't something I had hoped to hear Kirsty after the last situation only being a week or two ago. That really isn't what you need right now. Huge hugs.

crazy_cat_lady

Oh Kirsty :grouphug:
You have got way too much going on at the moment. I'm so sorry to be reading this. First that you need the op (although good news if it'll make you better), but more so about the stuff you found on the tablet.
I have to say, I'm not sure that I could forgive him this time. It's so recent since the last stuff - what effort has he actually made since it all happened? Is he sorry? Or is he just sorry that he got caught? I am so sorry for what you're going through. Lots of love to you, and remember we're all here for you, whatever happens.

kirtsypoos

Thanks all

Feeling much brighter this morning, about everything. Mainly because I have officially hit 50% of my debt paid off what a brilliant feeling, I can't imagine what I'll be like when I manage to get DF!

As for OH. We sat up talking until 2AM - given that I am not particularly well at the moment I could have done with more sleep but without talking about everything I wasn't going to sleep well anyway.

We have completely differing opinions about what I found - in his mind, although he has pictures of women, it's no different to !!!!!! (which, incidentally I have already told him I have no problem with) he said that !!!!!! does nothing for him, as he likes to look at 'real people'

He actually seems to believe that this is an improvement as he hasn't been in contact with women, just looking at pictures.

I'm very angry that he didn't see how I could be hurt by that, but I checked through the tablet, browser history, all his email addresses and his phone before I confronted him and there is nothing on there to suggest he has been doing anything other than looking at pictures.

We are going to go on holiday next week, leaving phones at home, and see how we get on trying to concentrate on us. I'm a bit numb at the moment but have explained to him why it isn't acceptable and after some heavy discussion he has agreed that he sees my point, but that he wouldn't have thought that way unless I had pointed it out.

In terms of since I found out what he'd been up to, everything had been going surprisingly well. We've spent a lot of time talking, doing stuff in the garden and generally keeping busy. We have been fairly good at putting the phones/laptops down at specific times (hence no evening posts on here from me recently), appreciating what each other has done ie cooking, cleaning, thoughtful gestures.

I've asked him to talk to me everytime he feels any sort of urge to look at pictures etc, and we will see how that goes. The holiday is make or break now, if it doesn't go well and I don't feel reassured, we will be contacting an estate agent when we get back to the UK, unless we can make other arrangements.

As for the op, it's a bit of a relief as there was a lot of discussion about whether it was the right way to go but I know I can't go on like this - I get through at least 2 600ml bottles of gaviscon a week plus pints of milk, and acid suppressant tablets and I still have to sleep with numerous pillows and am sick almost every day because of the levels of acid. It's not ideal with not getting paid but it is what it is, and hopefully I'll be much better at the end of it!

Thanks all for reading and commenting and making me feel so supported even when I can't talk about it in RL.

Kitten, please don't ignore - get to the doc!!

K xx

Kitten868

I know lots of women have issues with !!!!!! and strippers. I'm like you - I don't. These aren't real people for the man involved. Getting off on people's dating profiles is different and not acceptable. It's not like finding out he's into feet. You're not being weird being upset by it. Is he trying to suggest he's got a dating agency addiction? I think you're very open minded and not an oppressive partner with jealousy issues. Again I'm not trying to tell you what to do I'm just worrying that he's talking you out of your concerns. I don't want you to be manipulated into thinking this is ok.
I wish you all the best for the holiday. If it was me id consider going with someone else. You deserve a relaxing break without stressing or not saying what you think. It's very much under the microscope on holiday. It's good to have a holiday before surgery I think. Have you got all your bikinis sorted?
Can't go to the doctors - can't get dd2 to take a bottle and I'm only just back to work.
Xxx

kirtsypoos

I just wrote a really long post and accidentally closed the browser :mad:

I do wonder sometimes if I'm just being a walkover, but I love him , and I know he loves me. He struggles with boundaries and I need to work out if that's something I am willing to work on with him.

In his mind, he has gone from having daily conversations with other women to looking at 2 pictures so he thinks he has made amazing progress. I'm not knocking him, he has made progress, but not enough to have me jumping for joy.

I know he is trying, I think he needs to work on seeing things the way I do - for him, because he hasn't physically cheated, he seems to think it's not a 'real' betrayal, but to me it is almost as bad.

The holiday, in my mind, is time away from all of this in a neutral environment. We get on well on holidays anyway, I'm not worried about us arguing or anything like that. I want to spend the time with him, and I don't have anyone else who could come with me at such short notice so it's either go together or go alone, and I'm not keen on a holiday to a Country where I speak very little of the language by myself.

All holiday clothes are laid out on the spare bed ready to be freshly washed, ironed and packed over the weekend in my lovely new suitcase! I agree about the holiday before surgery, but apparently the wait list is longer than I anticipated so could be towards the end of the year before I actually get in :eek:

Maybe I'm being naive and hopeful but until I reach the end of my tether or we fix things, I have to see how it goes.