Husband wants to leave me and the kids

BB1984

Hi, title says it all really!

A couple of days ago my husband dropped the bombshell that he doesn't love me anymore, and that our marriage is over. We have been together 13 years this year, since I was 18, and we have a 3 year old and a 15-month old. He has quite severe, long-term depression, which he is on meds for, and has been receiving counselling for since about 2 months ago when he had a breakdown and did a runner for 3 days.

He is currently still at home, sleeping in the spare room.

I still love him and want us to work on our marriage and hopefully stay together, but he seems fairly adamant that it's over.

I guess I need to start putting stuff into place, preparing myself on a practical level, for a separation. So my question is, what things do I need to put on my to-do list?

FYI (anything I can think of which may be relevant) - we have a mortgage on our house in both our names. He works full time, I work part time. Our kids go to a childminder but oldest is due to start nursery school in Sept. Our finances are completely linked - both salaries, child benefit etc go into one joint current account, and we have a joint savings account. We are not in receipt of any benefits other than child benefit. We both salary sacrifice £243 a month towards childcare costs.

Thanks in advance for your help.

BB

19lottie82

Will the kids be staying with you, and do you plan to stay in the family home? Can you afford the mortgage on your wage / child support / benefits?

Check out the turn to us benefits calculator to check your entitlement as a single parent.

Can you convince your husband to give counselling a try as a last ditch attempt to save the marriage?

comeandgo

Open a bank account in your own name and get your salary paid into it along with all the direct debits in your name.

love_lifer

mumsnet is great for advice on situations like yours BB. definitely get all financial info and don't be surprised if there's another woman in the wings. couples counselling can be helpful as long as both parties are willing.


good luck with it all

Rambosmum

Sorry to hear that this is happening to you.

My bets advice is to try and keep things as amicable as possible in relation to the children.

You need to decide which one of you is moving out and which of you the kids will mainly live with, at least initially.

You then need to decide what to do with the house- could one of you buy the other out, sell it and split the debt/ profit, keep it as a joint asset and split the appreciation when it does sell?

Get separate bank accounts and split the savings account. Child care can remain split costs.

The one who doesn't have the kids will need to contribute to support them - you can go through CSA but they take a portion of the award and if you can do it amicably between yourselves that may be best.

Fireflyaway

Are you really really sure he wants to leave and if he does seem sure has he expressed his reasons? With mental health issues it can sometimes be the illness talking. If he has stopped taking meds / they have changed or he has a blip, he might just feel like he needs to run from it all. He may feel like he is a rubbish husband / dad - not that he doesn't actually love you. I could be really wrong but its worth checking if you can.

If it does turn out to be the end, then do as the others say and open your own account to pay your salary into. It would make sense for you and the kids to stay in the house as he will be able to find and afford somewhere easier as a single man. Apply for any benefits that you may be entitled to and try and make arrangements for the kids. If you can do it nicely it going to benefit them a lot. Do you qualify for extra hours of free childcare? In some areas / with some criteria you can get more hours funded by the council.

amistupid

Fireflyaway wrote: »

With mental health issues it can sometimes be the illness talking. If he has stopped taking meds / they have changed or he has a blip, he might just feel like he needs to run from it all. He may feel like he is a rubbish husband / dad - not that he doesn't actually love you. I could be really wrong but its worth checking if you can.

Exactly, depressed people can lose the will to love and hate themselves so much that they feel their nearest and dearest would be better off without them.

BB1984

Quick reply as at work, but to address some of the queries raised:

The presumption (on both sides) is that I will have main custody of the kids. I'm still breastfeeding the youngest, for a start.

RE counselling, he agreed to go a couple of months ago when he first had this breakdown and told me then that he thought our marriage was "doomed". We went to one session, and the counsellor basically said that he had so many issues, he needed one on one counselling first. So he's been doing that ever since.

He says there's no reason for it other than he doesn't love me anymore. But if that's the case, it has been very sudden, as I questioned something he said/did on my 30th birthday last year, and he said that he still loved me at that point. He says there's no one else but I'm finding it hard to believe tbh.

I did a tax credits calculator and I think I'd be entitled to a few thousand, which will help. We will get some free hours childcare for eldest from September.

BB

Fireflyaway

Could you remain in touch and on good terms and maybe have a trail separation rather than calling it a day completely? Maybe he just needs some peace and quiet to reflect. It can sometimes be very stressful for someone with mental health issues to be around young kids who need so much attention and can cause so much noise and mess and less attention from you because you have to put the kids first. Some men just don't adjust to fatherhood that well. Has he been to the GP recently? Maybe he needs his medicine altered or increased as well? Good that he is getting counselling.

I see what you say about him not loving you any-more. I don't believe it can happen that sudden either. Unless you have done something terrible then he must have more of a reason. It must be very sad and frustrating but you have your 2 lovely kids and many of us have been through similar stuff so you are not alone.

elsien

Rambosmum wrote: »

You need to decide which one of you is moving out and which of you the kids will mainly live with, at least initially.

You then need to decide what to do with the house- could one of you buy the other out, sell it and split the debt/ profit, keep it as a joint asset and split the appreciation when it does sell?

It may be that neither moves out until things are sorted - legally if the house is joint owned they both have equal rights to be in it however hard that may be for either or both of them. Affordability may be a factor, plus both parties wanting to continue to be there for the children until permanent arrangements are made.

VfM4meplse

love_lifer wrote: »

mumsnet is great for advice on situations like yours BB. definitely get all financial info and don't be surprised if there's another woman in the wings. couples counselling can be helpful as long as both parties are willing.

It might be common in other cases, but I think unlikely here as depression is the underlying cause. From what is described the OP's husband is displaying behaviours that are unmotivated, not of someone with an active interest in anything.