22 months to work, dig, tidy and declutter my way to debt freedom

peaceandfreedom

I'm still feeling a bit woe-is-me at the moment. I find it hard to not reflect on how much EASIER some people's lives are, simply because they married men who had the ambition and get-up-and-go to earn a lot of money, either through a career or through running their own businesses. I know numerous women who have never worked since they had kids, never have to think about managing a budget or care about money at all, have houses full of new shiny things and go on several holidays a year to give them a nice break from all that doing nothing :cool:.

I know other women who indeed HAVE worked all their lives but are otherwise in the same position of being married to men who earn loads, so again there are no issues with money and lots of life's luxuries.

I realise this is both sexist and defeatist but it is hard sometimes not to wish that I too had the same good luck, because luck was all it was really. I don't begrudge these ladies their good fortune - I just envy it. Their marriages are happy too, from what I can tell, which is something else I don't have.

I could cope with being skint and having to work hard for every little success if I were happily married and felt we were working as a team. I do not feel that and haven't for, let me see, about 17 years or so!

Told you I was feeling woe is me, I hate it when I get like this. It is utterly futile. I tell myself I should rely on myself only, that I can't expect DH to be a high earner. I am trying my best to be the high earner instead. I have left it rather late but then although I have always worked, the work-life balance was definitely geared towards the children rather than work, for at least 18 of the past 20 years.

I know I need to stop this wallowing. Has anyone got any advice for when I fall into lifestyle-envy mode ?

Alchemilla

Is this any use?
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/08/29/luxury-is-just-another-weakness/

MarylandCookie_2

Just read your diary, didn't want to read and run, and just wanted to say not everything is always as it seems with other peoples lives/relationships and they are not always as rosy as we think they are. Sending you big hugs, your garden sounds amazing xxx

peaceandfreedom

Alchemilla wrote: »

Is this any use?
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/08/29/luxury-is-just-another-weakness/

Actually, yes it did help. I've come across Mr Money Mustache before but I haven't visited the site in ages - I think I need to keep visiting places like MMM just to keep my thinking straight .

I think it's not so much the luxury I envy - I'm not all that bothered about 'stuff' any more. And I like my own house a lot (OK, it needs work doing to it but most of the work requires money that I don't have) but really, I love this house, the garden, the village, the people who live in the village.

What I envy most is a) the freedom from worry/ constant budgeting / constant compromise and b) having that feeling of security, of knowing all is well, that someone else is bearing at least half the burden.

Strangely enough, apart from the worry bit, I actually sort-of enjoy part a) now - it's challenging and I like a challenge. I am actually very proud of how I've coped with everything that's been thrown at me, I think I am a strong person in a lot of ways.

But weak in a lot of others - and this envy thing is a huge weakness. I've had a read around other forums on MSE and found other threads on a similar theme that I've found useful. I need to remember that other people's lives make almost no difference to mine - I've got to concentrate on my own life. I usually try to do that but every so often I wander down the green brick road. Usually something kicks off this feeling and a couple of things have happened in the past week that's done this.

But I've just spent a couple of hours out in the garden and have somehow regained a bit of equilibrium .

peaceandfreedom

I know I'm waffling on and being self-indulgent but hey, it's my diary .

I was thinking more about the ladies I am jealous of. Despite all I've said above, I would never want to be a lady who is reliant on a man for all her money - imagine buying your OH a present with money he himself has earned. What would be the point? I guess you get used to it after a while especially if there is a lot of money coming in, but I would feel uncomfortable buying myself stuff with someone else's money even if it was my husband's.

Also, I like working, I love my job. I get to use my brain and solve problems all day long. I'm really good at it. I never dread going into work. So I am not envious of the fact that the ladies don't work, I'm envious of that fact that they don't have to work.

Lastly, the adversity of the past 10 years or so has made me a better person. If I did happen to be have become wealthy through luck and never experienced troubled times, I would be an utter utter cow, I know I would. I needed a bit of humility to make me a nicer, more caring, more compassionate person. I used to be so materialistic as well. Now I genuinely am not. I love my ancient old car and in a triumph of reverse snobbery I feel sorry for people who drive shiny new Mercs .

A quote that's always stuck with me is 'An easy life is a curse'. I feel this is true - I don't think I'd want to know the person I would have been if life had been a breeze. But if the fates out there are listening - I think I've done my time - throw a bit of good luck and happiness my way.

I chose the MSE name 'Peace and freedom' because that's what I seek - you'll notice that money isn't mentioned in there. I hope to one day get the peace and freedom I yearn for but I do believe I'm going to have to find it for myself .

peaceandfreedom

MarylandCookie wrote: »

Just read your diary, didn't want to read and run, and just wanted to say not everything is always as it seems with other peoples lives/relationships and they are not always as rosy as we think they are. Sending you big hugs, your garden sounds amazing xxx

You are right MarylandCookie - although some of these people I do know very well and I do genuinely think their lives are very rosy. Good luck to them too, I know I'm just jealous and I know it's something I need to deal with. Why shouldn't they have lovely wealthy happy lives?

I suppose I could do the opposite thing and compare my life to that of someone far less fortunate. Actually I do this sometimes too but in a grateful kind of way. When I drive past a particularly grim housing estate in the middle of a big town/city, for example, I am immensely grateful for my own house in my own little patch of leafy ground. Compared to vast swathes of the world population I live a life of unimaginable luxury and privilege.

But constant comparisons with people better or worse off don't help anyone really. I need to decide where I want to be and head towards it, without reference to where others might be. I'm not sure why I can't see this clearly all the time .

peaceandfreedom

OK, so that's enough navel-gazing and ruminating for one day. It has helped to get all that out of my system and from now on I'm going to take a more positive view of life.

So a quick summary of good things over the past few days, which will be mostly garden-related:

• Had a FAB day out at RIAT at RAF Fairford - I do love a good airshow.
• The courgettes have gone crazy-ape bonkers, I think I will be going into work laden with courgettey-gifts this week.
• Though I have discovered a new food fad - courgettes sliced very thinly, sprinkled with olive oil, salt, pepper and paprika. Bake in a very low oven for an hour or so, then switch the oven off and leave overnight to dehydrate further. A yummilicious snack that is also healthy.
• Fresh pea shoots are a thing of joy and I have a lot of them.
• The raspberries have started cropping, albeit slowly so far.
• Found a couple of blackcurrants lurking at the bottom of my new bushes (only planted this summer) - they were lush.
• The tomatoes are ripening - have lots of yellow, orange and red ones coming along.
• Have harvested the garlic and it is beautiful. I grew these from my own garlic bulbs from last year and I am very pleased with the results. I love that each subsequent crop is completely free.
• The runner beans have started fruiting though they are some way from being big enough to eat. It won't be long though before we reach that time of year when the whole family start groaning at the sight of yet another bowl of runner beans at dinner .
• Got a nice selection of half-price seeds and a half-price gro-bag at the garden centre today. Plan to get lots more reduced-price seeds next month when I have more leeway in my budget.
• Have discovered that Sainsbury's do free air for my tyres - no more squandering a massive 20p at Morrison's for me .
• To make me feel like I'm making more headway with my debt-busting I have increased my DD to one of the CC's slightly.
• I've also increased my DD to a favourite charity by a little bit. The charity is Medicins sans Frontieres - they do amazing courageous work and I am happy to be making my small contribution.
• Pretty sure we have mice in the attic (again). It's hard to know what to do with them because I feel that mice traps are really not nice.

I apologise for all my sorry-for-self stuff lately, will aim to be a font of positive, energetic, go-getting enthusiasm from now on :dance:.

Alchemilla

Humane traps and chocolate?

Makeachange

Will be following with interest

Your budget summary made me think about how much I spend in coffee shops... ek thats a number I really don't want to think about and you've inspired me to cut back a bit and limit myself per month

peaceandfreedom

Alchemilla wrote: »

Humane traps and chocolate?

I might consider those but I'm not how to dispose of mice that are caught - I've heard that they find their way back again. I guess I need to do a bit more research on it.

I am not at all squeamish about mice and in fact don't have any huge qualms about killing them in traps if I thought death was instant but I am not convinced.

I have been considering one of those things that emit ultrasonic sound to repel the mice, that might be the best bet.