I fear I'm having a nervous breakdown

1234catlady

Hi I know the title sounds melodramatic but I really do feel like I have reached the end of my tether. I have GAD, PD and agoraphobia. I went from being housebound to having mostly good days with a few blips here and there.

In the last week alone I've had to go to the dentist, that may not seem like a big deal but when you have agoraphobia, its a nightmare, my friend came up for a few days so I had to go out the house constantly and swallow down all my panic and anxiety, I had my first migraine aura which terrified me in a way I can't describe and then to top it all off, my papa got admitted to hospital. It literally feels like its been one thing after another the last week.

I'm having constant panic attacks and I mean the bad ones. The ones that have you fear for your life even though you know you can't die or anything. I constantly feel spaced out and on the verge of crying, screaming or breaking down and worst of all, I'm terrified about going out again so fear my agoraphobia is going to come back full swing.

I took a massive panic attack last night and promised myself that if I survived it ( I knew I would but you know how you feel during an attack) that I wouldn't let this bad phase get to me and I would kick Anxiety's butt again but here I am in tears, feeling at breaking point. I've felt like this before but since it was a while ago, I feel like I don't kmow how to get out of it.

I'm sorry for a long post and I'm sorry if I have used the wrong wording and its not a breakdown or anything, I'm just so drained

tomtontom

You need to speak to your doctor. Are you not receiving any treatment for your anxiety?

1234catlady

I have an appointment for tomorrow. I tried meds but they made me feel suicidal which was something I had never felt before so I tried CBT and self help therapy along with private counselling. Stopped them about 6 months ago though.

asajj

May I suggest you to listen a bit of mindfulness tracks here ?

http://www.calm.com/

Do you have a smartphone? You can download the app and listen when you are lying down.

Do you have any close friend/family to call?

1234catlady

Yeah I'll give that a listen.

And I have a smartphone.

Just called my mum and she has asked me to come over and see her kittens. Going to force myself to go no matter how panicky I might feel. I went out in the car (as a passenger as I can't drive) yesterday and I panicked like hell the entire time. It was like being outside for the first time after being housebound.

1234catlady

I went over to see the kittens. For the first five mins I was out, I felt awful. So panicky and felt like something awful was going to happen and when I reached my mum's I broke down telling her how I felt and she was very supportive and I said I will probably just stay for five mins but ended up staying for 40! Seeing the kittens deffo helped. We then went for a drive for 15 mins. Just got back home and my anxiety has returned. Its weird that I felt better outside than I do in my own flat. Going to see if a bath helps. I do feel like a weight has been lifted a bit though as yesterday I was panicky the entire time I was out whereas today I managed to calm down and enjoy it.

1234catlady

Feeling like crap again. My papa was meant to be released tomorrow but his heart rate is too low and they can't get it to rise so he will be kept in for no one knows how long now. Could be an extra few days, a week. Stress levels rising again

immoral_angeluk

How long were you taking the medication before you stopped when you felt suicidal?

The reason I ask is that I've been on medication for my depression and anxiety for years. At various points I've had to change or increase or otherwise modify what I take to get the right balance of chemicals that apparently my brain needs. Any time they change it, tweak it or there's anything that affects it, I get awful suicidal ideations (ie obsessing over suicide constantly) for a good few weeks until the medication settles down in my system.

It's horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The way that I manage these periods is with the support of my partner. He has literally had to pick me up off the floor after hours of lying motionless just wanting to die.

BUT with suitable support they can be overcome with time and the long term pros of the medication on your condition overall are worth it PRESUMING that your suicidal feelings aren't severe enough to pose a risk to you actually going ahead with any self harm.

I write this and am fully aware that this advice might not be suitable for you and your symptoms. Everyone's journey is different, and if anything I just want you to understand that you aren't alone and that it will improve. I'm still ill, but I can at least face the day, which is a vast improvement.
The best thing you can do is have an honest conversation with your doctor about your concerns, and also about your side effects with the suicidal feelings (That is what it is, it's not YOU feeling suicidal, I promise you. Don't feel guilty or ashamed. It's the new/changed medication screwing up your brain chemistry.).

You are not alone.

Take each day as it comes.
Ask for help.
Don't be embarassed or ashamed.

We're the 1 in 4, there's many ways online to reach out to your anxiety/agoraphobia brothers and sisters. Their experience is invaluable.

1234catlady

I was only on the tablets for a few days and I became extremely suicidal and then decided meds were not for me for this problem and went down the therapy road instead.

1234catlady

It happened on a few tablets so I'm totally against meds for me personally.

immoral_angeluk

I can understand that. The trouble with meds is they take 3-4 weeks to kick in and as you know, the side effects can be terrible. Just don't rule it out. I know it's hard but for some people they are a real life line.

I also highly recommend mindfulness, have a look at headspace. It really helps with anxiety especially.