Please Help me not feel aggrieved

meritaten

I can well understand your feeling upset and angry by this girls behaviour. its at best thoughtless, and at worst plain moneygrabbing.
BUT - you did promise her X amount of money and while you obviously didn't want to attach strings - if you withhold it now - then its got the strings hasn't it?
I would just give her the money and have a quiet word about seeing and contacting her dad more often.

barbiedoll

Give her the money that you promised her, "no-strings" should mean exactly that.

But.....tell her in no uncertain terms, that this is the last handout that she'll be getting. Ever.

Let her know that her uncaring and selfish behaviour hasn't gone unnoticed and that as she can't even spare 10 minutes to chat to her sick father, her share of any inheritance will be going to a charity that cares for other sufferers of her father's illness. (You may not have anything to leave her anyway, but she doesn't need to know that!)

And please, don't put any of this in a letter, tell her to her face, preferably alone, without witnesses. Letters have a nasty habit of turning up, possibly years later, which will only make you look like a nasty, selfish stepmother. Which you absolutely are not!

Mojisola

needapseudonym wrote: »

She has asked for more money than agreed, and my DH and I have argued about this.

She is not saving and is using her own money for weekends away etc.

I certainly wouldn't be giving her any extra!

If she needs more money, she can save her own instead of spending it.

jjj1980

needapseudonym wrote: »

Hi, I am not new here, but am posting under another name to try to be anonymous.....
Please help me reframe this situation as its making me feel ill and I am struggling to cope.
Here is the back story:.......

I have two SDs in their late 20s and an adult child of my own. My SDs live with their mother in another town.Mum has certain issues which lead to frequent arguments/ sulking in the house. The elder one frequently spends time getting upset about her mother's behaviour, but has said that she cannot leave home due to her low salary and difficulty getting a mortgage. Her father (DH) has no money of his own, as at the time of his divorce, he both lost his business and had to give up equity in the matriomonial home as part of the divorce settlement. As he was both homeless and unemployed from that point, he was able to only pay the minimal amount deemed by the CSA and felt very guilty about that. I did not know him at that time.

Fast forward and he has a decent relationship with them. He receives state pension. I was a beneficiary to my father's will last year, and decided to gift all three children in their lifetimes rather than wait until we were dead. Elder SD seemed to have the most immediate need as she wanted to get a mortgage. We also gave all three some other money/gifts at the time. Since agreeing about the deposit for the mortgage in January, we have not seen her since. She has asked for more money than agreed, and my DH and I have argued about this. She is not saving and is using her own money for weekends away etc. Her boyfriend's parents are both indulgent and well off, and they are buying all sorts of stuff for the house. DH clearly feels emasculated, and upset as she is not asking him for any kind of practical or financial advice at all.

So in the background I am biting my tongue and trying to understand she is excited, nervous about the impending move etc, but ........ several weeks ago DH was taken very ill. She has asked after him in a text, but had to be reminded to talk to him. She sent a text telling me when she and bf actually exchanged on the property (completion wont be for a few more months), but there was no "thanks for your help...........how is dad?". I have found this really galling. She has since texted me to tell me that she is too busy to talk or visit. I have told DH that I dont want to give her the remainder of the total amount I promised her, but of course he does not want me to do that because she is still his little girl, that he does not want to upset. I feel she could not care less if he/we dropped dead as long as she got the money, but I realise that my anger is spiralling out of control and not helping his recovery at all. He just wants a quiet life, and neither wants to talk to her, or let me (as its too upsetting).

I know its meant to be a gift without "strings" but I am upset that it does not seem to mean very much. Am I too crazy?:(

I'm posting from my phone and it won't let me highlight but OP, the part you put about you OH feeling upset because his daughter hasn't asked for any practical or financial advice from him sort of jumped out at me.

I'm not sure I understand as surely as an adult herself, if she doesn't want to ask for his advice, that's totally her choice and perfectly acceptable.

gettingtheresometime

I would give her the initial amount of money that was promised to her but she wouldn't be getting a penny more.

Call me a cynic but if the boyfriend's parents are well off and buying them extra stuff for the house it wouldn't surprise me if its them that are getting all the attention and sucking up.

Would I say anything to her. No I don't think I would but her future actions would determine my future generosity

needapseudonym

I think its this......

Gigglepig wrote: »

You made a promise which she has relied on, if they have already exchanged I think it is a bit late to go back on your word - and if you do I would expect it to cause a major rift and put your husband in a very difficult position.

Some times even no strings attached gifts come with expectations. For example, unless SD asked for practical advice about the house before, there is no reason for her to start doing so just because you have generously offered her a deposit? If there is a change in behaviour after the gift, do you think it there could be some perceived pressure/strings attached, which makes SD uncomfortable? This could be for example perceived pressure for you and her father to be more involved in the house buying project, or if for some reason she felt that the gift was given to"buy" her/compensate for lack of involvement earlier. Not saying that this is the case just looking for possible explanations in case it is not "just" her being rude and ungrateful.

pinkshoes

If she can't be bothered to contact you, how is she going to get the money??

I would just do nothing for now. You are not saying you wont give her the money, you just have other things in your life that are more important at the moment, which clearly she should be able to sympathise with, given she herself is too busy to even bother asking how her dad is...

BigAunty

You made a promise. You hoped and expected it would come with a degree of gratitude and reciprocity and it hasn't. It was no strings then so why impose conditionality on it now, even though it seems to be undeserved and she is selfish.

The extra sum she requested - did you agree to this? Is this the balance she is waiting for?

BitterAndTwisted

"She has asked for more money than agreed, and my DH and I have argued about this"

If you can't afford, or don't want to give equally to all three, then give her what you promised and not a penny more. It's your inheritance, not his to get into an argument with you about. He very well might feel guilt about not having supported his children properly in the past (as he should) but that's nothing to do with you.

If he's got his own money to give her, then he can give it. It's very easy to think you can make demands on other people's cash when you don't have any of your own. There are two people to feel aggrieved about in this situation and one of them is your husband.