Please Help me not feel aggrieved

needapseudonym

Hi, I am not new here, but am posting under another name to try to be anonymous.....
Please help me reframe this situation as its making me feel ill and I am struggling to cope.
Here is the back story:.......

I have two SDs in their late 20s and an adult child of my own. My SDs live with their mother in another town.Mum has certain issues which lead to frequent arguments/ sulking in the house. The elder one frequently spends time getting upset about her mother's behaviour, but has said that she cannot leave home due to her low salary and difficulty getting a mortgage. Her father (DH) has no money of his own, as at the time of his divorce, he both lost his business and had to give up equity in the matriomonial home as part of the divorce settlement. As he was both homeless and unemployed from that point, he was able to only pay the minimal amount deemed by the CSA and felt very guilty about that. I did not know him at that time.

Fast forward and he has a decent relationship with them. He receives state pension. I was a beneficiary to my father's will last year, and decided to gift all three children in their lifetimes rather than wait until we were dead. Elder SD seemed to have the most immediate need as she wanted to get a mortgage. We also gave all three some other money/gifts at the time. Since agreeing about the deposit for the mortgage in January, we have not seen her since. She has asked for more money than agreed, and my DH and I have argued about this. She is not saving and is using her own money for weekends away etc. Her boyfriend's parents are both indulgent and well off, and they are buying all sorts of stuff for the house. DH clearly feels emasculated, and upset as she is not asking him for any kind of practical or financial advice at all.

So in the background I am biting my tongue and trying to understand she is excited, nervous about the impending move etc, but ........ several weeks ago DH was taken very ill. She has asked after him in a text, but had to be reminded to talk to him. She sent a text telling me when she and bf actually exchanged on the property (completion wont be for a few more months), but there was no "thanks for your help...........how is dad?". I have found this really galling. She has since texted me to tell me that she is too busy to talk or visit. I have told DH that I dont want to give her the remainder of the total amount I promised her, but of course he does not want me to do that because she is still his little girl, that he does not want to upset. I feel she could not care less if he/we dropped dead as long as she got the money, but I realise that my anger is spiralling out of control and not helping his recovery at all. He just wants a quiet life, and neither wants to talk to her, or let me (as its too upsetting).

I know its meant to be a gift without "strings" but I am upset that it does not seem to mean very much. Am I too crazy?:(

Amysdad70

I don't think that you are crazy at all. You are certainly more patient than I am. I think that you would be completely justified in not giving her the remainder but I cannot imagine any way in which your partner would agree.

FBaby

Your anger is more than justified and personally, I wouldn't hold back to make her realise how selfish she is acting. She might not realise it, indeed, if she's never been told the sacrifices that you have made so she could have that money, maybe she doesn't appreciate what it means and just see it as you having more money than you know what to do with it. It's imature but maybe she doesn't know any better.

Whatever her dad says, he is making things worse by being quiet. How long will it be until she needs money because of the new baby, and then because she can't go back to work etc... The key thing is that you want to remain close, you need to talk to her in a way that is not going to trigger a defensive response and mean that communication becomes close.

I would nicely tell her that you need to talk to her and ask when it would be best, then calmly say that although you totally understand that she is very busy and that buying a new house is extremely demanding and stressful, you feel that she hasn't given her dad all the attention that he had hoped for considering how poorly he has been (maybe again, she didn't appreciate the seriousness of how ill he was). Say that you don't want to cause trouble, on the opposite, you want to make sure that her dad and she remains close, you included. Take it from there.

I really hope she will come around and realised that she has been sidetracked and nothing more.

amistupid

Kids - the more you give them, the more they want.

Auntie-Dolly

Was your relationship with her different before the money was given. or has she always been selfish & uncaring?

-taff

Kids are not automatically caring, so unless she's radically changed, let it go.

needapseudonym

She is not a kid; she is an adult. She is lets say moody but not overtly rude or nasty at all. I do have to let it go. Im just struggling with that, as my OH has been so sad and upset.

[Deleted User]

I sympathise.., you are in an incredibly difficult position. You made a very generous offer, but your SD does not seem able to use it properly or appreciate it. I should imagine she's pretty messed up. But she is also an adult, able to decide how she will behave.

But I do agree.., this was a sacrifice on your behalf. You are allowed to change your mind. I assume she has enough money to pay any legal fees etc if the purchase falls through.

However, your DH will not take kindly to this. And he will get a lot of fallout. But he will be aware the money YOU were giving is not money he's earned.., so the emasculation will always be there. Unfortunately.

I feel sorry for you, your stepdaughter and your DH.., but money is not an effective sticking plaster. It heals little. Even in retirement, could your DH not find a way to start up another business or find something (voluntary work) that would make him feel worthwhile again?

You could tell your stepdaughter that you love her, you wanted to help her with this money but it doesn't seem to be helping her. It just seems to have made things worse. She probably won't listen now, but it may bear fruit later. Losing the house will be fairly devastating obviously. But I agree, its difficult to reward bad choices when this involves sacrifice for you. Your SD can rent etc.., millions of people do.

balletshoes

OP you promised this gift of money, no strings attached, right?

Much as it galls you (it would me too) I think you need to do the right thing, not stoop to your SD's level, and give her the money you promised you'd give her. And then no more - you and your DH are on a fixed income, you need to protect yourselves, now its time for your adult kids, all of them, to stand on their own 2 feet and manage their own finances.

soupdragon10

You are being neither unreasonable nor selfish, indeed your SD is showing an appalling lack of sensitivity to both you and your DH.

Rather than speak to her I would consider writing a letter to her, outlining how you feel and suggesting that she consider the worst case scenario i.e. if something happened to her father (not suggesting this is likely, but children often make the assumption that parents will be around forever).

The reason I suggest a letter is that it gives you the chance to think about how you want to phrase things, and to put it down in black and white. Write the letter and then leave it a couple of days before looking at it again - if you are happy on re-reading then send it. A letter also has the advantage of not spiralling into a slanging match as a phone or face to face encounter can.

Be clear about what you are unhappy about, it sounds as though the way she is treating her father is the overwhelming thing at the moment, so make this the focus, rather than talking about the money. Even if she is busy with the new house there is no excuse for not visiting her sick father, or at least picking up the phone.

Best of luck with this very tricky situation.

Gigglepig

You made a promise which she has relied on, if they have already exchanged I think it is a bit late to go back on your word - and if you do I would expect it to cause a major rift and put your husband in a very difficult position.

Some times even no strings attached gifts come with expectations. For example, unless SD asked for practical advice about the house before, there is no reason for her to start doing so just because you have generously offered her a deposit? If there is a change in behaviour after the gift, do you think it there could be some perceived pressure/strings attached, which makes SD uncomfortable? This could be for example perceived pressure for you and her father to be more involved in the house buying project, or if for some reason she felt that the gift was given to"buy" her/compensate for lack of involvement earlier. Not saying that this is the case just looking for possible explanations in case it is not "just" her being rude and ungrateful.