should mum know?

pukkamum

Some of you may recall me starting a thread about meeting up with an estranged Aunt, my dads twin.
We met up and it was great.
She told me stuff about her and my dad growing up etc and we have met a few times.
We also talked about her and my dads relationship and why it broke down. She told me about her objection to the taking of drugs.
My dad was and still is a big weed smoker and so i assumed this was what she was referring to.
However, she told me the last time she saw him before he and my mum split he was spending the night at her house with my elder sister, she would have been about , I was at home as a quite young baby with my mum.
She came downstairs late that evening to find him with tin foil, a lighter and a brown substance.
My thinking is heroin!
They had a huge row, later that year my mum and dad split.
My mum and dad spilt up, according to my mum, because of him disappearing for days on end, sometimes weeks. Mum always assumed he was off with other women (he had a history of sleeping with other women) and this what was she could not take.
My dad always insists this was not the case but has offered no other explanation.
My thoughts now are that rather than being with other women he was in fact using heroin.
Now the big question is should my mum be told about this? When i mentioned my aunt said her and my dad fell out over drugs (no details given) she was adamant that he wasn't doing drugs then, not even smoking weed.
So clearly my dad was keeping his drug use from her.
I cannot help but think that had mum known it was drugs, not women, that were causing the absences then perhaps she would had acted differently.
The thing is i'm not sure if knowing would do any good.
She has always loved my dad and even after he went overseas when we were young she still held out hope he would come back.
This makes me think she is better not knowing but then i wonder does she deserve to know?

Am really wrestling with this.

Rambosmum

You don't know it was heroin - I know people who use foil to hold cannabis resin to melt in in to tobacco and it does leave a sticky brown residue on the foil.

amistupid

Whether it was your dad's drug habit , womanising or a combination of both, matters not. The fact is, he abandoned you and you mum for lengthy periods which is completely inexcusable.

Goldiegirl

They are split up now, so I can't really seen any benefit to anyone by passing this information, especially if you are only assuming it was heroin.

It's in the past, leave it in the past, there's no point in stirring things up.

Errata

Let it lie. Everyone will be only seeing part of the picture, may not know the truth and will be spinning things to suit their view.
If your mum's happy in her life right now, let her continue to be so with the knowledge she has about the situation - which may be far, far more than you realise.

thorsoak

What good would come of telling your mother about this now, after all this time? Would it make any difference to what has happened since then?

If not - why tell her? What has happened, has happened, and nothing will change it.

Let it remain in the past. Why dig up old bones?

mum2one

I agree with the let it lie, it's going to do no good to anyone racking over the past, it sounds like ur mum has her firm ideas about what happened.

X

pukkamum

Thanks all, yes I myself am with the 'leave it alone' school of thought, I do now though need to tell my aunt not to mention this in front of mum, she is keen to reconnect with mum and will be meeting her in a few weeks.
It just goes to show how all is not always as it seems.
Personally if heroin was involved I am rather glad he took himself away from the situation and went overseas!

Errata I do have to wonder if mum had actually known about this from the start but protected us from it, she is a worldly wise woman and I'm sure would have had at least her suspicions.

Rambos mum, I hadn't considered that although my aunt herself partakes in the odd smoke herself so I can't see that if it was cannabis she would have objected so strongly.

bagpussbear

Another vote here for leaving this one lie.

At the end of the day you don't 'know' anything - your aunt might be lying, or mistaken. If not, it could be another drug, not heroin.

Your mum might have even known, but doesn't want to say/admit that.

No good can come from telling her to be honest.

Gigglepig

Sounds like this guy has caused enough cr*p for your mum already, I would not try to stir up anything that may hurt her again after all these years. So unless you think it will bring her closure, why tell her.

Fireflyaway

Maybe you want to tell her because you wish they would get back together or you want to undo some of the hurt caused to your mum because you think she would find drugs more acceptable than women?
I would just leave it be. As a child you never really know the full extent of what goes on between your parents. There is stuff I will never tell my daughter about the relationship between me and her dad. He left and whatever he was up to that was no way to behave. Opening it up now might just cause bad memories to re surface.