Only staying because of children?

devils_vixen

I'm in quite a close group of friends and was on one of their hen nights at the weekend when one of our friends just burst into floods of tears. She is recently married but there has been problems since christmas.


We have been in their company and had nights out and not once did we pick up that anything was wrong (we feel like very bad frinds for not noticing).

She said that they are far from what a newly married couple are meant to be, he works full time and her part time but she is the one who constantly cooks, cleans and if she brings it up he seems to think because he is off at weekends then he is entitled to his days off!! She is also the one who sees to the child 7 days a week and the only fime he is up before 10am on a weekend is if he's going out with the boys!!

She said he was like this before the wedding but not as lazy and selfish as he has become the past few months. There is no affection between them and whenever they are in company she feels like she has to force herself to be happily married for the sake of keeping up the pretence. He obviously does the same because nobody noticed a thing!

It was a few months ago during an argument that he announced the only person keeping him in the marriage was their 2 year old child.

Do people really stay in a relationship just because of children? I went to see her today and she opened up and admitted that she is sick of the life she has. Deep down she does not want to end the marriage but she does want him to change. They had words last night and it was the first time the word divorce came out her mouth. He just carried on doing what it was he was doing then started going on about what to have for dinner - didn't even discuss the argument!

She has a history of bad relationships and depression - she admitted that she hasn't been feeling herself lately but has it under control and we all thought she had found her happy ever after.

I am worried for her and feel sorry that she couldn't have come to us sooner. Has anyone else experienced this? No-one wants their marriage to end as they are a lovely couple. I did suggest counselling but she said he wouldn't be up for that and he rarely tells her how he's feeling so not much chance of him telling someone else. Surely he mustn't want it to end either as he's still there which makes me think he maybe said it to hurt her/score points?

Stevie_Palimo

It will only get worse and then resentment will set in making for fire works, I would suggest she brings up and explains how she feels in a full and frank conversation in the hopes he will sense.


I work full time albeit for myself but believe that we all should all share household chores and the likes and more so with kids involved, I always assist in the house and do my fare share as it is only right.


It should be a 50-50 thing and if he is to stubborn to change she needs to reconsider staying with him.

Guest101

If she works part time, it seems reasonable she would do more of the housework (not all of it).

If he was like this before the marriage, she's (without meaning offence) abit naive to think that a wedding would miraculosly change him. - In some respects she's being unreasonable in expecting him to change, at least he was 'honest' from the start in being hands off (lazy if you prefer) with regards to the house. It cant be that much of a shock.

And yes, plenty of people stay in relationship for the kids.

fivetide

Not getting up to spend time with the wee one is where I would focus. By all means, he has never done housework and if the wee one is in nursery at some point, that's a good time to catch up.


However, that means he doesn't spend time with the child at all. I loved my weekends for chilling out - being in the same situation, I was oftern up and away to work before the wee lad got up and home about half an hour before his bed. Weekends were the only quality time we could spend together.


On that basis, your pal should forget the housework for now but underline that down time means spending time with the little one and having to get out of bed. If he takes the little one to the park, she can do the hovering or shopping or something. If he wants to dot he housework great but she is off to the park and it isn't great for the relationship with dad.


Basically, a kick up the backside needed.

bagpussbear

This isn't about lack of sharing household responsibilities, let's be honest.

This guy has emotionally checked out of the relationship. There is no affection. They have to put on a face in the company of others. He is very clear that he is only there because of their child. Your friend mentions divorce and he doesn't seem to bat an eyelid.

It doesn't look good. No wonder she has depression.

Do I think people stay because of the children. Yes. Will this guy? who knows, but I wouldn't put money on it.

Your friend needs to have a serious conversation with her husband. Perhaps counselling is the way, but something has to change one way or another as this is an unhappy relationship.

I think you'll need to be there as a friend to support her through this.

FBaby

This is so not unusual. The problem is that working (especially in stressful/tiring jobs requiring commuting), whilst looking after the house, maybe other family members and being a good parent to a baby/toddler is tough all around and there often lacks time and energy to do it all properly.

Unfortunately, both parties feel justified in their position because they are both feeling tired and needing so 'me' time and neither is prepared to put themselves in the shoes of the other and try to see their position.

The reality is that both are probably feeling knackered and expecting the other to support the other. He probably feels that as she has more flexibility with her time, such as for instance taking a nap on the days that she is home when her child is having their nap, it is only right that he gets to get up late at week-ends. However, she probably feels that as she provides almost full-time care to their child, it is only right that she gets a break at the week-ends.

Considering their issue is to do with their failing to manage their circumstances, their prioirity should be to get help to better communicate with each other rather than already thinking of separating. They seem to have a long way to go trying to sort ou their issues before deciding to throw everything away.

enjoyyourshoes

'Parents F**** you up' (Philip Larkin) whether you stay or go.

pinkshoes

Sounds like some counselling is needed.

I work 4 days a week, look after DS on my day off, and do all the cooking, cleaning, food shopping.

DH is responsible for bins, recycling, washing up, and most the DIY.

If he doesn't wash up, then he gets lentil soup for dinner the next day.

If this man has become lazy and selfish, then don't pander to him. Friend should just cook for herself and child, then let husband fend for himself.

She should be doing the cooking during the week if she is not working, but it should be shared at weekends.

bylromarha

If I were you, I'd be advising the friend to

spend time having fun together again - the drudge of life gets us all, and nothing of your post seems to indicate they do anything together

Calmly discuss in turn what each expects of the other. No interuptions if someone is saying what they're feeling. It sounds like some compromise is needed for both of them.

Calmly discuss what they both expect in the way they parent their kids.

We're only hearing one side of the story here - your friend needs to resolve this with her OH.

Maybe you could support by babysitting for them a few times so they can go to the pub and chat? These conversations become heated at home, in public, they can often be calmer as you can't get wound up so quickly when you're in public.

pmlindyloo

I also wonder why your friend thought that getting married would change things. Perhaps she thought the commitment meant that her OH would suddenly become committed in all senses - sharing everything. As someone has already said, having a ceremony changes nothing. I am guessing this is why she is really feeling resentful as she decided to marry him knowing how he was.

Communication in all relationship is the key. Now whether this is going to work is anyone's guess especially after what she has said.

Plus. we are only hearing one side to the story. Perhaps she is constantly nagging him - it is difficult to have a reasoned conversation if you are feeling resentful.

The other probability is that he, like many men at the beginning, have no idea how demanding a 2 year old is. I am afraid that I do not agree with 'she works part time' therefore should do the bulk of the chores. Looking after a 2 year old is exhausting. Could suggest that she feigns an illness and stays in bed one weekend leaving him to cope or find out how exhausting it really is but he is likely to call on someone to help out.

The only thing I can suggest is that she tries not to nag but find subtle ways of getting the message across. She needs to become the one who refuses to get into a discussion/argument/refuses to nag, enjoys life, leaves the hoovering/washing/washing up/getting dinner (always take-aways) until he gets the message.

If she stops feeling resentful and starts living her life how she wants to (and that includes going out when she wants) then the marriage may last.

The good news is that things do get better as the children get older (well, at least things are different!)

Whatever she mustn't do is have another baby in the hope that it will bring them closer together - it won't.

seven-day-weekend

Looking after small children is, on the whole, drudgery. At least that's how I felt. So I think if he works full time, and she part-time, they should share the drudgery at weekends and she do most of the housework in the week.

They should also get a babysitter sometimes and make time for themselves.