From a desperate newbie...

Georgina180590

Tixy wrote: »

So what plans are you putting in place to try to stop you spending?
I have unattached all my credit cards from eBay, cut them up and put them in the bin (public bin so no going back!!) Secondhand stuff is my weakness, so Depop the app and selling pages on Facebook, I have unjoined all the groups and deleted the depop app. Primark is another one, I go every weekend, so instead I have planned other things, free things! Walking the dogs in the woods with a group of people that do Saturday afternoon walks and I would usually scour bootsales and charity shops on Sunday so instead going round to my best friends for dinner.

Do you have family who are aware of the problem and supportive to help?
Friends - yes, Family - No, they are all fed up with my problem, and like the doctors can't offer me anymore support. My mum doesnt want to know and my sister tells me how of a failure I am for getting into this state (although she owes £2200 to my mum but okay!) which makes me spiral again.

You mention it was ebay last night - is it often ebay you spend on? or lots of different websites?

How about cancelling your accounts in the short term to prevent you from spending? Or getting someone (your partner) to reset your passwords and keeping them from you - at least for a while whilst you break the habit)?.

Where do you keep your computer? is it right by your bed when you go to sleep /wake up? can you move it elsewhere?
I have my iPad and my phone by my bed, but as I say, I have deleted all the apps, and I have got some books, instead of the kidle app that I can read to try and distract.

Have tried to answer the best I can above. xx

Georgina180590

dirkio78 wrote: »

Sorry one more thing. I just reread your post. Is it absolutely necessary to clear the card debts before you move in? If you can mentally turn yourself around and budget for your spending with ynab, and use that to come up with realistic debt repayments for the coming months, then this would be amazing. That you will have taken control. Would it matter if the debt repayment took some months longer? I'm sure you want a clean slate but to reset your mentality to money is most important. If you reach september and have turned yourself around but not cleared all the card debt then you can be happy that a couple more months of hardship are needed but you will know you can do it. Does your partner know your predicament? Hopefully they will appreciate that overcoming your former self is the first aim. If you have some debt still that you bring with you its only for a few months in the grand scheme. Another poster did say it's best to service debts before saving which is true usually but as you need to contribute 2k to house setup then you could allocate this in ynab and consign the debt to a slightly longer repayment.

Thank you, I would like to start with a fresh slate. My partner is on board 100% he knows its a habit and an addiction I need to break.
If in the grand scheme of things I have to go in with £2k debt for example then so be it, but I would like to try for a few months and see if I can handle paying back as much as I can. But like you say, changing and not getting into another load of debt is untimately more important!!

Georgina180590

Reya wrote: »

Hi, Georgina

First of all, a big HUG from me. You're facing up to something that's been dragging you down, and you really want to fix it. That takes no small amount of courage, so take a moment to give yourself a mental hug and say, "Yep, I can do this!"

Is there anything else in your life (that doesn't involve spending much money) that you enjoy doing? Is there a craft or sport that you've always fancied taking up, but never got around to trying?

The reason I'm asking is that you're using your shopping habit as your "happiness crutch" so why not try and see if you can build yourself a new happiness crutch that doesn't involve spending money (or, at least, the amount of money you're currently spending). Replace the feelgood factor of shopping with the feelgood factor of, say, taking part in park runs, or quilting, or writing, or drawing, etc. Find something else that makes you happy, and - whenever you get the urge to shop - do that new thing instead.

On average, it takes 66 days to form a new habit but - as the old adage goes - a journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step. Your single step is getting up in the morning and NOT switching on the computer!

Secondly, you have lots that can help you with reducing your debt: all the stuff that you've bought! I am not going to suggest that you put it on eBay (therein lies the temptation to shop) but try joining a local Facebook group for selling items in your area. There's one for practically every city, town, and village in the UK, I should imagine. Make everything "collection only" so you don't have to spend money posting things.

Clothing sells particularly well in these groups, especially outgrown baby and toddler clothing, so dig through all those purchases that only made you happy for half an hour and let them go towards making you happy in the long-term by reducing your debt

Finally (and this is 'desperate measures' time) if you really are struggling not to visit certain shopping sites online, there are several more techy things you (and/or your partner) can do:

1. If you don't already have login accounts on your computer, set them up, and ask your partner to choose a password for you; one that you don't know. If you want to use the computer, your partner has to log in for you first. If you can't log in to the computer, then you can't spend. This, though, is a very drastic measure, and it should only be used as a last resort (since you may need the computer for something urgent when your partner isn't around).

2. Ask your partner to change your password on your main shopping sites. Yes, you'll get an email to confirm it, and you can always change it back by using the 'forgot password' option, but - if you find yourself ready to click that 'forgot password' - you can think of that as your reset point; the moment where you stop yourself and say, "No. No, I am stronger than this. I don't need to buy something this badly!"

3. The most useful option is to get your partner to google how to add your usual shopping sites to your computer's HOSTS file. This means that, when you try to visit the site, it simply won't load. (The HOSTS file will affect anyone using that computer, so your partner also won't be able to visit those sites.) It's very simple to do, although the location of the file takes some digging for (I use it all the time for blocking ads online), and - again - if you found yourself trying to find out how to remove those sites from the HOSTS file, that would need to act as your reset point again: "No, I'm stronger than this. This is ridiculous. Do I really need to buy something that much that I'm willing to go through all this crap just to unblock the site?!"

Good luck, and keep us posted! As dirkio78 suggested, start up a DFW Diary (there's a sub-forum for them at the top of the DFW forum) to help you keep on track. You'll find that, the more you visit here and post here, the easier it will be to press that big reset button you've got your finger hovering over right now, and move forward through the door it opens up

Hello,

And thank you also for your in depth reply - I can't tell you how much the support (and the hug!!) means to me. It feels like such a huge step and I'm not sure why, I already feel lighter.

Sounds stupid, but I don't really have a lot of hobbies, everything I have done in the past has involved buying all the equiptment, and then getting fed up, moving on to something else, buying all the stuff to start up and then getting fed up and moving onto the next thing, consequestly I had gymnastics stuff, baking stuff, paints, glass glitter making and so forth...

I am going to try and keep myself distracted with study, I have my final exam for my CIPD HR qualification on 26th May, however, I find this stress makes me worse and I feel like I need a reward, again I know not helpful, but we also have two dogs - so everytime I feel an urge to go spend I am trying to take them for a walk, or have a bath, or read a magazing (Loveit 65p per week!)

As for the computer stuff, we dont have a computer, just an iPad and an iPhone, so I have given my ipad to my partner to hide for a while and its just the iPhone i need to battle with, although I have deleted all shopping apps.

I will be starting a debt diary in the next few days and I have just done that snowball calculation which is really really helpful.

Like I say, I was lookinf for spending addiction groups and therapy support classes however all are between £26-£30 a session (1 hour) and its an expense I just can't afford in the situation I am in.
Talking in here has already made me feel like I am not alone, so Thank you so much.

I have a simular relasionship with food, I weigh a healthy 10.7 stone at the moment but because I have fought from binging, I feel liek eating and not spending are constant battles that exhaust me.

xxx

Reya

Georgina180590 wrote: »

Hello,

And thank you also for your in depth reply - I can't tell you how much the support (and the hug!!) means to me. It feels like such a huge step and I'm not sure why, I already feel lighter.

It IS a huge step! This is such a great place to receive support from people who are in the same boat (or similar boats). A problem shared really is a problem halved; if not in the financial details, then at least in the burden it's putting you under.

Sounds stupid, but I don't really have a lot of hobbies, everything I have done in the past has involved buying all the equiptment, and then getting fed up, moving on to something else, buying all the stuff to start up and then getting fed up and moving onto the next thing, consequestly I had gymnastics stuff, baking stuff, paints, glass glitter making and so forth...

It sounds as if those past hobbies all fed into the shopping habit somewhat: buying new stuff and it only giving you pleasure for a short while before you needed something else to do. It might help you to identify where your deeper interests lie if you ask yourself, "What thing--if it was taken away from me for good--would I miss the most?" (And no, you're not allowed to say "shopping"!)

I am going to try and keep myself distracted with study, I have my final exam for my CIPD HR qualification on 26th May, however, I find this stress makes me worse and I feel like I need a reward, again I know not helpful, but we also have two dogs - so everytime I feel an urge to go spend I am trying to take them for a walk, or have a bath, or read a magazing (Loveit 65p per week!)

Dog-walking instead of shopping isn't just going to help break the spending habit; it'll also keep you fit and healthy, so that's an added bonus

As for the computer stuff, we dont have a computer, just an iPad and an iPhone, so I have given my ipad to my partner to hide for a while and its just the iPhone i need to battle with, although I have deleted all shopping apps.

I will be starting a debt diary in the next few days and I have just done that snowball calculation which is really really helpful.

Like I say, I was lookinf for spending addiction groups and therapy support classes however all are between £26-£30 a session (1 hour) and its an expense I just can't afford in the situation I am in.
Talking in here has already made me feel like I am not alone, so Thank you so much.

There ya go! We're the best kind of support class: absolutely free!

I have a simular relasionship with food, I weigh a healthy 10.7 stone at the moment but because I have fought from binging, I feel liek eating and not spending are constant battles that exhaust me.

If you've fought back from that, then every time you feel yourself slipping, hold it up as your example to yourself that you CAN beat the shopping habit. You beat a horrible, debilitating problem before, so you know you have the strength to beat this one, too!

xxx

The best thing you can do is to keep posting on the forum. People will follow your diary and encourage you along the way, so keep coming back (even if/when things go wrong!). You didn't fall into this habit overnight; it developed over quite a while, so it'll take patience and a lot of self-discipline to kick it. Above all, remember to be kind to yourself. That's the most important thing

asparagus1968

hiya, you sound as though you are starting on the right path
I had to exchange the spending habit for something else, here are some things I did:


Read martin lewis' DE-MOTIVATOR


Filled out my SOA and pinned it where I could see it regularly


Came on here every day, looked at the different boards and diaries as well as debt free wannabe ( love the old style board and gardening ones especially)


Got into PINTEREST , you can make pin boards of your interests- things you like to do, recipes, maybe you could do a board of how your new home will be / what you would like in life etc.


get out in the fresh air leaving the purse at home, dog walking is excellent.


actually, I now leave my purse at home unless I have a "planned" spend.


Lastly for now, don't be too hard on yourself, you know the problem, you know the answers, and you are trying

Georgina180590

Thank you everyone!
Off to start my diary xxx

MoneyMission2015

Hi Georgina


Well done for facing up to your problems & trying to overcome them.


I can't imagine how difficult you are finding things but hopefully being on here will help.


I have one suggestion which might help & is entirely up to you...


I have been trying to clear debts for ages. Problem was I would go full on for a few months, paying all my disposable income to my cards, without leaving even £1 for a treat. Then I'd have a bad day for whatever reason & go straight on the internet to order myself something to cheer myself up and of course it would all go on credit because I'd already paid all my disposable income to the cards etc. I remember one particular time I spent over £500 on clothes for my kids!! I look back now & realise how silly this was, but at the time I just needed cheering up; and spending money, not even on myself, was my way of feeling better. Now I know this is nowhere near to anything you are experiencing, but I did realise that by depriving myself for months and months wasn't helping me.


So now I am using YNAB and every month I give myself a small budget for 'Spending Money'. This means that when I do feel like buying a small treat for myself, I have the money in the budget & can spend it without feeling guilty. It's not a huge amount, usually around £40 per month, but I have found that it does help. This month unfortunately I have spent a little more than usual, but because it's there in red on my YNAB account, I know I've overspent and will adjust next months budget to reflect this.


I know some people suggest throwing every single penny towards your debts, especially when you are incurring interest on them (mine are luckily all on 0% interest cards now), but in your situation it might help because you won't beat yourself up about it then if you do buy something.


You could even open a separate account just to move that spending money over to every month, then keep the card for that account & give all your other cards to your OH.


Apart from this month, I have usually had a little bit of spending money left over at the end of each month so just before my next payday I decide whether to put that remainder in to my savings account, pay a little extra off the debts or keep it in the next months budget.


Good luck & keep coming here for the support and the great tips from everybody. I have learnt so much on here from the various boards and am constantly looking for different ways to save money or earn extra money.


x

Georgina180590

Thank you everyone, I am doing really well.
Sold £140 worth on eBay, all has gone onto Debts.
Another week until payday so we shall see - thats the real test!xx