debt and relationships

brickwall_2

Hi. My partner and I have been falling out for almost 2 years now over his credit card debt. The reason why we constantly fall out is because he doesnt need to have it as he has capital in a sports car he could sell and clear this debt. The only problem is - the car is off the road and requires fixing - he doesnt consider this a 'priority' though which is where the trouble begins. His debt amounts to £6000 now (as he only makes minimum repayments) and his car is worth nearly £5000. Am I 'unreasonable' to expect him to fix the car and clear his debt so we can move on with our life. I told him almost 2 yrs ago that I could not commit to moving in with him until he sorted it but now 2 yrs on we are in same position and i'm tired of being stressed by what I consider, irresponsible behaviour. All that's required to fix the car is a lot of hard work and little cash. I've now told him it's over cause I'm sick of arguing over this and he accuses me of not loving him. He doesnt understand that his behaviour has chipped away at the love I do have. Has anyone else split up over money differences and is there anyway to overcome money differences...sorry to rant on so much, I'm new to this!

GeorgeUK

Sorry to hear of your problem.

Must be difficult, but it may be an old case of boys and their toys. If he gives up the car that's part of his youth type thing.

Have you investigated ways of sorting his debt without selling the car?

As you can see from my signature, I had about 7k on CC, but am now not paying interest on any of it and will be debt free within 2 years. Don't know what his debt is, but could something like this be a way of working through it?

good luck
George

slouise

Hi Brickwall

Sorry to hear your having difficulties, Me and my fiancee were together for 11 years and we split up just before christmas over debt, it kills realtionships constantly arguing with each other, It was only for the debt that we had problems, but we've had time apart to sort out our differences and trying paying things off and seem to be getting on better now.it seems maybe that break did us good and you realise how much you love each other.
If your meant to be together you'll work it out but I do understand how hard it is and very upsetting, The tears i shed could fill Lake Windermere lol!!

You've come to the right place for support and understanding x

jamalfatty

On a lighter note, did anyone ever hear that story of the women who sold her husbands supercar for something like £1 while he was out at work one day as he had cheated on her?

Think she called the local radio station and said first person to go to hers with a quid got it (the car that is)

brickwall_2

Yes I heard about that! If I could, I'd like to take a sledge hammer to his car and get it sorted once and for all! I don't think there's anyway round this, it's dragged on too long now and it's killed something inside of me. His car has been off the road for almost 2 yrs and he bought a new one - with his credit card! So £2000 of his £6000 debt went on another car when he could have just fixed old one and had no debt! I guess that was too obvious:rolleyes:

bristol_pilot

It's his car, not yours. His debt, not yours. Yes, it's unreasonable to EXPECT (OP's word) him to sell the car (though not unreasonable to have an opinion that it would be a good idea to sell it). £6k is not a large debt these days if you are in work, many people would not see this as a problem at all. Perhaps part of the issue is that you refer to him as your 'partner' yet you don't even live together. If a gf of mine tried to be so controlling she'd be gone ages ago. This relationship is so over!

Dylanwing

Yourself and Bristol Pilot give the two sides of the argument very well. Things don't look too bright unless one of you backs down a bit, but then again, love and relationships don't follow any set rules. When we had money problems 8/9 years ago, I think it was only the kids, and the fact that neither of us could afford a separate place, that kept us together.
Good luck, follow either your heart or your head, one of them will be right!

Lavendyr

bristol_pilot wrote: »

It's his car, not yours. His debt, not yours. Yes, it's unreasonable to EXPECT (OP's word) him to sell the car (though not unreasonable to have an opinion that it would be a good idea to sell it). £6k is not a large debt these days if you are in work, many people would not see this as a problem at all. Perhaps part of the issue is that you refer to him as your 'partner' yet you don't even live together. If a gf of mine tried to be so controlling she'd be gone ages ago. This relationship is so over!

I thought the point was that the couple were going to move in together but the issue of this debt was what kept OP from moving in - presumably because she felt uncomfortable taking on such a joint responsibility as renting (or a mortgage) when the other half appears to have a completely different attitude towards debt?

OP I sympathise. I think that it is generally very important in a relationship for both partners to share a similar outlook on money and I think it could be a real drain on a relationship if one is a "spender" and the other a "saver", or if one thinks debt isn't a problem whereas the other is against it. Clearly there is a big difference in beliefs between you when it comes to finance, and long-term that could be a problem as well as in the immediate term.

I don't think your request for him to sort out his debt before you move in is unreasonable (though if the only option you give him is to sell his car, that could be a bit unreasonable - but I'm presuming that the issue is mainly with his unwillingness to sort out the debt in any way, not just by selling the car), I expect that even some sign that he was going to deal with it would have been a positive step for you? Does he appear willing to consider any way of actively getting rid of the debt that doesn't involve him getting rid of the car?

bristol_pilot

I think the sub-text here is that the OP wants her bf to get rid of the car to prove that he loves her, possibly based on a belief that loving someone means that you are willing to do anything they say. I don't believe this is really about debt at all - the amount of £6k is too small for that (3 months salary for someone on an average wage) - its about control freakery and who wears the trousers. I'm very much a saver rather than a spender myself and would be reluctant to move in with someone who has serious debt problems - but this just isn't it, he's not gambling away the mortgage on poker sites or anything. It's also likely by now that the guy doesn't really want the OP to move in - nor would I after a two-year ear-bashing over this.