Help overcoming emotional dependency and being needy.

wishus

Hello Raven83. Just want to say hello and offer you another big hug.

I have found the mind.org website very useful to me as the ex-partner of a BPD sufferer, and the current partner with someone who is suffering from depression and has been off work a long time with it. My partner likes the practical advice that Mind gives too, and I also got recommended Calm.com on this site from someone, and that is great too.

BPD might generally give everyone who has it their good days, awesome days and low days, but it is different for everyone. You have a diagnosis, and that's step one on the journey. Talking therapies will be so helpful for you - it's a shame you have to wait so long for them, but there's the chance in the meantime to make sure your medication is appropriate and helping, so that you can find a calmness to start building your self-assurance on.

However you feel, it is not your fault. You will eventually learn to separate out emotions so that you are less affected by them, but you sound such a lovely person. It sounds like you are at heart a people-pleaser, and you are just acting this out in an extreme way, maybe because that's the way you are.

The best advice I ever got was from another friend who had had depression, and it was "just be kind to yourself". So, Raven83, I will say this to you. Be kind to yourself. You sound like you deserve much kindness.

calleyw

raven83 wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your kind replies. I definitely up for change, I cannot go on no more keep expecting people to fulfill me, I need to find some inner peace. I feel as if I have a lost child in me that is made of glass that it could shatter at any moment if someone says or does the "wrong" thing. I just over analyse everything and anything I perceive as being negative or distant I panic and convince myself I will be dropped. I know this is one of the traits of BPD and I want to try and over come it. Deep down I know I am not that bad and do have a lot of good qualities but it seems I need other people to constantly keep recognising them and reassure me, and I really don't want that no more! I am determined to break this destructive cycle, because in the end I do lose people that actually did really care for me.

Sorry for the rant, just so good to be able to voice it all!

Again I know how you feel. I never was likes this until my marriage failed about 3 years ago.

And sadly its all gone down hill since. And I too have wrecked friendships and a much wanted relationship!!!!

I just thought it was me and I was losing the plot.

Yours

Calley

raven83

wishus wrote: »

Hello Raven83. Just want to say hello and offer you another big hug.

I have found the mind.org website very useful to me as the ex-partner of a BPD sufferer, and the current partner with someone who is suffering from depression and has been off work a long time with it. My partner likes the practical advice that Mind gives too, and I also got recommended Calm.com on this site from someone, and that is great too.

BPD might generally give everyone who has it their good days, awesome days and low days, but it is different for everyone. You have a diagnosis, and that's step one on the journey. Talking therapies will be so helpful for you - it's a shame you have to wait so long for them, but there's the chance in the meantime to make sure your medication is appropriate and helping, so that you can find a calmness to start building your self-assurance on.

However you feel, it is not your fault. You will eventually learn to separate out emotions so that you are less affected by them, but you sound such a lovely person. It sounds like you are at heart a people-pleaser, and you are just acting this out in an extreme way, maybe because that's the way you are.

The best advice I ever got was from another friend who had had depression, and it was "just be kind to yourself". So, Raven83, I will say this to you. Be kind to yourself. You sound like you deserve much kindness.

Awww that is a lovely post, thank you! I will check out them sites, not heard of the calm one before. I am a people pleaser in the concept of that I want to be perfect all the time and I want to please them and make them feel as attached to me as I do them, it's sad I know but is just the way it is with me. I used to be in denial, but it didn't get me anywhere, I always knew something inside was wrong and that I feel emotions so much more intense than others, I feel engulfed by it all sometimes then that makes me want to run, can't win! Lol.

meritaten

Knowing you have the problem is half the battle - and coping with BPD is hard. my DD has BPD and finds her medication helpful. but, it doesn't always help with the emotional problems.
You now KNOW that being reliant on others for your own happiness doesn't work. can I suggest that you think on what DOES make you happy that doesn't involve humans?
Happiness really does come from within and if your BPD is being controlled then its up to you to find your 'happy'. whether this is having pets (they are 'always going to love you and wont let you down, so will be a stable influence'), or a hobby or sport or something that you can 'focus' on instead of making one person responsible for your own happiness.
I am sorry hun, but, this is something you can work on with a counsellor (as you have a diagnosis perhaps counselling can be arranged for you on the NHS), I wish I could be more help.

raven83

meritaten wrote: »

Knowing you have the problem is half the battle - and coping with BPD is hard. my DD has BPD and finds her medication helpful. but, it doesn't always help with the emotional problems.
You now KNOW that being reliant on others for your own happiness doesn't work. can I suggest that you think on what DOES make you happy that doesn't involve humans?
Happiness really does come from within and if your BPD is being controlled then its up to you to find your 'happy'. whether this is having pets (they are 'always going to love you and wont let you down, so will be a stable influence'), or a hobby or sport or something that you can 'focus' on instead of making one person responsible for your own happiness.
I am sorry hun, but, this is something you can work on with a counsellor (as you have a diagnosis perhaps counselling can be arranged for you on the NHS), I wish I could be more help.

Thank you, I do get pleasure out of life, my kids give me lots of pleasure and I do have plenty of animals and enjoy watching and petting them, simple things make me happy like being around nature and even seeing my washing on the line makes me feel good, it is just this demon inside that always cries out for other people and I hate it. As much as it is nice to have people love you and make you happy I do need to find ways so I don't keep getting codependent, it isn't nice for the people involved as they must feel like they are on eggshells, dare they be distant with me or say something I deem not to be enough I get all upset, I really hate it:(

skattykatty

I need to find some inner peace. I feel as if I have a lost child in me that is made of glass that it could shatter at any moment if someone says or does the "wrong" thing.

What a powerful, moving, picture you paint with your words. Bring this glass child to mind. She is a part of you. You are responsible for looking after her. How would you handle her? How would you speak to her? How would you look after her? I hope you access the support you want soon. Take good care.

raven83

skattykatty wrote: »

What a powerful, moving, picture you paint with your words. Bring this glass child to mind. She is a part of you. You are responsible for looking after her. How would you handle her? How would you speak to her? How would you look after her? I hope you access the support you want soon. Take good care.

I have been trying to remove her from my being and mentally told her that she can't control me no more as a child in charge of an adult vessel isn't a good thing and I have mentally tied her wrists to mine and told she is by my side all the time now and that I will look after her and love her and that she is worthy. I know it sounds weird but I really need to heal that part of me.

skattykatty

not weird at all...trying to remove her means denying a part of yourself. Whereas turning towards her and soothing her means accessing the part of you that can take care of yourself. As you say you are an adult now and you have skills, abilities, understanding that you didn't have access to as a child...you are very self aware, which can be so painful, but in time, healing...you are very brave to speak out here and to reach out for support...

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Genuine suggestion - when you feel that panicky doubt in your chest, purse your lips together as though to whistle, blow out gently a few times and then relax your mouth - as you continue to breath out evenly, repeat to yourself 'I refuse to be clingy'.

It'll take time to make a difference, but I think you'll be so proud of yourself once you get through what I believe is a type of panic response, you'll find it progressively easier to feel peaceful with yourself, rather than depend on others to distract you away from your own self doubt and fears.

meritaten

From what you say - I think you are well on your way hun- you have a spiritual 'awareness' and that can help and sustain you. but, it isn't a 'magic pill'. you WILL have times when you feel one person isn't what you thought they were or letting you down - its then that you need to be able to step aside in your mind and 'analyse' YOUR reaction.