Oh Dear, feeling judged :(

PixiePie

Hi All,

My Mother in law (although not actually married yet, as good as in everyone's eyes around here really) came round today and we told her just how bad things are. And now I feel like total scum.

She basically had a big go at me saying how I was just going to do this all again and going BR wasn't the point if I was - I tried to tell her I've learnt my lesson and that the reason for going BR is punishment and that I *can't* do it again, and that anyway, I will have no access to any money or cards or anything anyway as I'm going to have my salary paid into OH's bank account and not have any plastic, but still think she now thinks i'm a totally irresponsible pants thing. Background - whilst not wonderfully close (we're busy, she's busy etcetc) have always gotten on really well, if only due to massive split in OH's family and me seemingly taking her side of things. One of her best friends had to go BR when her husband had a nervous breakdown, his business partner ran off with all the business money and they were left pretty much destitute. But as I'm different (I got in trouble, my family tried to bail me out and I just did it all over again) I feel evil and scummy and totally hate myself now and just feel like what is the point?

Sorry, just needed to come somewhere and get some reassurance I'm not evil. Just absolutely useless with money.....:(

Rafter

PixiePie,

There is some research that suggests almost 20% of people are like you and unable to budget or turn down the offer of credit when it is offered as a way of funding spending.

As you say, following Bankruptcy that all changes and you will have to live within your means (and possibly pay an income payments order for 3 years).

You shouldn't hate yourself but you must get a handle on how much is going in and how much going out and demonstrate to your future M-i-L that her son isn't being taken for a ride financially.

Show her you are responsible - produce a budget, show how you plan to change your ways but don't let her get you down - you (and your partner) are at least being open and honest about things.

R.

Broken_hearted

i wouldn't want my sons to marry someone in debt. You have to learn to manage money or you will end up in a mess again. BR doesn't last forever and you will be offered credit in the future. Bin junk mail, refuse store cards and don't go to the little chats the banks offer. Everyone is out to sell you something.

wherediditallgo

Hi Pixie,

The main reason for her reaction is worry about her son. She's seen other people suffer as a result of someone going BR, & she's worried that her son will marry someone who isn't good with money & will drag him down with her. She's looking at things as a worried parent, whereas you know yourself & feel you wouldn't go down this road again.

I think you need to have a bit of faith in yourself, but also put your thoughts/plans into action, so that both he & she can see you mean what you say. Draw up a proper budget, & enter the figures into a spreadsheet so you know exactly what has to go out each month & on what. You've said it yourself - you got in trouble, family tried to help & it happened again - so you need to be able to show that this time is the last time. It's not just you affected now, it's her precious son & she's going to be watching you like a hawk with hearing as acute as a bat's for the first sign that things aren't right. Your OH needs to back you on this too, not just with words but with actually helping with the finances. Maybe he could take charge of certain things, so that money for the essentials goes into an account handled by him & the less important stuff gets done by you. That way, if you do have a mad moment, your home isn't at risk & the priority bills are covered.

His mother still likes you, but her faith in you has been shaken a bit by the news. She will calm down soon enough, but you need to show her, him & yourself that things will be different from now on. But don't lose heart - none of us are perfect, so don't try to be.

Richard_S

Aw Pixie,

Sorry to see you're feeling down; remember the old maxim, "let he without sin cast the first stone". Try and ignore the "old hag," she's maybe got some festering resentment that's got nothing to do with you. Sometimes there seems to be no explanation for people's unreasonable behaviour; you just have to accept it and make sure that their negativity doesn't affect you. You may be useless with money but the best potential wife and mother in the world.

Richard

Richard_S

Broken_hearted wrote: »

i wouldn't want my sons to marry someone in debt. You have to learn to manage money or you will end up in a mess again. BR doesn't last forever and you will be offered credit in the future. Bin junk mail, refuse store cards and don't go to the little chats the banks offer. Everyone is out to sell you something.

Hi Broken hearted,

You are a star, there's not many people who could come out with something like that, :eek: and its definitely going to narrow your pool of potential daughter in laws down somewhat.:rolleyes:

Are you hoping they'll marry someone rich so they can repay your debts?:D

Is there a whiff of hypocrisy in the air tonight?:rotfl: :rotfl:

wherediditallgo

When I read a post like yours, Richard, I really wish I could click the "Thanks" button more than once. :rotfl:

Being in debt isn't the whole issue. It's how you deal with it & what you learn from it that really matters.

joathome

:eek: you are very brave my M I L would make my life a misery if she knew I was BR so like the coward I am:o I wont tell her but hey good on you and I wish you all the best for the future x

betterlatethannever

Firstly, BH, thank god your not my potential mil-how shallow are you.
Secondly and much more importantly, Pixie i'm sure it was just a gut reation thing. if her son was marring Kim Basinger or Debbie Reynolds (ok she's dead but were talking hypotheticaly) would she feel the same? they have both been declared BR.
As long as you have the support of your OH and as long as you realise the problem and do everything you can to sort it out then it really shouldn't have any effect on your MIL or her son.
You supported HER during family problems, i'm sure when she's slept on it she will support you too.

Broken_hearted

Very shallow if there is a good reason for the debt it would be different. My problem is my other half and I wouldn't want my children going through this ever. Still we'll see her again in a few years going BR again unless she learns how to handle money.

Broken_hearted

Richard_S wrote: »

Hi Broken hearted,

You are a star, there's not many people who could come out with something like that, :eek: and its definitely going to narrow your pool of potential daughter in laws down somewhat.:rolleyes:

Are you hoping they'll marry someone rich so they can repay your debts?:D

Is there a whiff of hypocrisy in the air tonight?:rotfl: :rotfl:

No I'll pay it off myself every single penny:p