Problems with a highly unlikeable widowed mother...

pol-zeath

Gigglepig wrote: »

Your mum does not sound easy OP. But it sounds like you are perhaps using people as well - It sounds like you have a low opinion of her and are just using her to live cheaply so you can save up, and then intend to ditch her. If you do not respect her then walk away rather than use her for a cheap housing arrangement.

Agree wholeheartedly. The OP even states he could tolerate living with mum longer if she would buy a house big enough

FBaby

I can relate to an extend with what you have written, the feeling of being used and yet still feeling guitly that you should do more to help with the internal pain your parent is experiencing. However, I do agree that you are being unfair by judging her life and how she is when ultimately, you are indeed using her to save for your deposit. You are 27 and she doesn't owe you to help you financially so you can become totally independent.

I think you need to face the truth that you can't have your cake and eat it. Either accept your mum as she is, ie a very difficult mother, but that's how she is and most likely always will be. You can't control her, you can't change her and in anycase, she doesn't have to do so to please you, or if you can't accept her as she is because it is unberable, then you need to start looking after your own self, either trying to increase your income or accept that it will take longer for you to become a house owner.

pearl123

You mother seems to worked out that if she behaves in a certain way she gets the results she wants. Ie: the never-ending feel guilty for me. My mum also does this.
My advise is to establish independence as establishing later in life becomes even harder.

krlyr

The only thing you 'need' to do is sort out your own life. Your mother and brother are their own people, they can deal with their own needs/wants.

Btw, house shares need not be grotty. I lived with some lovely people in some really nice houses, at a fraction of the cost of renting on my own. It may not be top of your 'want' list, but life is about compromises.

gotoguy

Should never post in anger...

gotoguy

krlyr wrote: »

The only thing you 'need' to do is sort out your own life. Your mother and brother are their own people, they can deal with their own needs/wants.

Btw, house shares need not be grotty. I lived with some lovely people in some really nice houses, at a fraction of the cost of renting on my own. It may not be top of your 'want' list, but life is about compromises.

Thanks - No I no house shares can be ok, it would certainly be ideal if she could buy a place of her own and I could find 2 flat mates to share the house I'm in with me, I have a good relationship with the landlord so could probably deal direct and avoid agents fees but can't make any arrangements until I know when she's leaving.

DaveTheMus

Strange the obsession people in the UK have with 'owning' a property...

Crazy to put yourself in a state of perpetual misery so you can owe the bank tens of thousands of pounds for the next 25 years....assuming you live that long of course.

Rent a nice place and enjoy your life...

pearl123

gotoguy wrote: »

Morning All,


Thanks to everyone that's taken the time to reply, it's really very helpful to get other perspectives on the situation.
Reading some of the later posts it appears I've created the impression that I'm a selfish scrounging kidult that's using my mother for cheap accommodation, I would argue that this is not the case.

Prior to moving back I'd been fully financially independent and doing ok, I was however always concerned that despite my income slowly climbing, living costs were still eating the majority of what I earned and I wasn't making any real provision for the future apart from pension contributions.

My mother repeatedly made the offer of cheap accomodation for as long as I wanted it so I could save money to move out again into a bought place rather than continuing to rent, explictly stating that she had no intention of moving at any point in the future due to her own and my brothers work being local, I accepted this offer believing that both her and myself were very different people from when we were dealing with my dads illness and had repaired our relationship enough to cope with living together.

I've always done my best with family despite the problems of both her and my brother and believe I am generous with my money, the flat screen TV she drinks herself to sleep in front of 5 nights a week, I paid for, the laptop she spends endless hours staring at and the router it connects to the internet with, I paid for, anything else in the house not from poundland I've bought for her, including her sofa.

I've even paid to take her and my brother to see musicals in London on several occasions as she likes them but doesn't have any friends to go with. Unfortunately because of who she is, I'm often left feeling that this is out of a sense of obligation rather than want because it never seemes to be enough and she can say some incredibly unpleasant things.

Any of my help or time she or anyone else asks for, they get without question, I did the entire house move with help from my friends alone, in a van I paid for, while her and my brother went shopping. The money she was given when we lived in the house she owned by myself and my brother easily covered all of her bills.

Shortly after I'd given up my place and sold the furniture and other household items I'd accumulated, she announced she was selling the house. I am now in a joint AST until the end of this year where I contribute a third of the rent and all bills, plus contribute towards family shopping and buy a lot of my own food as I like to cook. The offer of what I cook is always open to both of them but they rarely take it, preferring "proper" food. I know what I pay is correct because I set up the utilities accounts and some of the DDs come out of my account . I've also signed the tennancy agreement.

So to ensure this is very clear to anyone reading, at no point has there been any nasty intentions or manipulation on my part, I accepted an offer of cheap accomodation that was in no way at detriment to my mother who without prompting made the offer, I will not be made to feel guilty for taking an opportunity presented to me to help get the substantial deposit together that I need to buy a home of my own.

I've made very expensive decisions surrounding that offer I'd accepted and believe I am justifiably angry that it has since been pulled from under me without warning and I am now left dealing with a lot of feelings I don't understand, a home I hate and having lost significant sums of money unless I sit it out for another 18 months, which may not be an option anyway as she's now finding she can't afford a 3 and will have to buy a 2. I'm not sure I could now even afford to move back to where I was because rents have also climbed so fast.

My living costs are not in any way subsidised by her or anyone else. If anything she's getting significant benefits both financial and in time, while giving nothing and playing the martyr. I'd be paying exactly the same out each month if sharing the house with friends or strangers.

I have at no point suggested I wish to ditch anyone, I am actively seeking to find a resolution to this complex situation which means the entire family can move on from this incredibly unhealthy living situation and get a life we all are happy with.

Unfortunately so far all I've been able to come up with is moving out on my own at the end of the tennancy and ending up worse off than where I was 18 months ago still facing not buying till late 30s, my brother stuck in a minimum wage job with no prospects and my mother deeply unhappy and lonely or alternatively staying here and dealing with the daily mood shifts and general uncertainty which creates an unpleasant anxiety that hangs over everything I'm doing and living like that for another 18 months till I've got enough deposit and hopefully a better paying job, or at least until she buys a house too small for me to move with her and my decision is made for me.
On the plus side, I've recently updated my profiles on all the job sites and I've been getting calls about jobs in the £40-45k range so hopefully will get to interview stage shortly. If i could get £45k I could easily rent my own flat and save each month which solves a big chunk of the problems.

Firstly, millions of people manage on the minimum wage. Secondly, I really do wonder why you are at home with your mother when you are capable of earning £40K+.

missprice

gotoguy wrote: »

Morning All,


Thanks to everyone that's taken the time to reply

Snipped for brevity.

You don't need to justify your actions to us.

You have 2 choices
Stay and let the others do as they will. Be absent a lot, make sure free time is at a minimum in the same house.
Leave and house share/rent own place/live in car/whatever

I don't know where you live but you don't have to buy a 300k + house.
Ok it may not be the best area but you can buy a much cheaper house.
Cheaper house = less deposit = less time spent at " home"

I mention 300k houses cos round here that would buy you a mansion, not that you necessarily want one

gotoguy

missprice wrote: »

Snipped for brevity.

You don't need to justify your actions to us.

You have 2 choices
Stay and let the others do as they will. Be absent a lot, make sure free time is at a minimum in the same house.
Leave and house share/rent own place/live in car/whatever

I don't know where you live but you don't have to buy a 300k + house.
Ok it may not be the best area but you can buy a much cheaper house.
Cheaper house = less deposit = less time spent at " home"

I mention 300k houses cos round here that would buy you a mansion, not that you necessarily want one

Thanks - I wasn't justifying as such, just trying to order my thoughts. Anyways, having resolved over the last 24 hours that the situation needs action, I've made the decisions I think I need to make.


The end goal is that I want to buy a 1 bed apartment, near to work, prices are around £186k, 10% Deposit £18600 needed, plus a bit for the fees and moving, mortgage of leaving £167,400 which I should be able to get as long as I can get a job at over £41k. Repayments should be around £600pcm.


To Do
-= Learn to mentally separate accommodation and family issues and learn not to stop doing things I want to do because of the shouting.


-= As I'm in contract for 6 more months anyway I'll just have to put up with the issues at home and use that time to continue looking for better paid work.


-= Tell mother, at the right moment, that I won't be moving with her and my brother next year.


-= Once I know where I'll be working and the salary, find accommodation that is priced to allow me to continue saving for the deposit. If I'm lucky this will be a rented flat, if not will just have to hope I'm lucky with a house share.


With a bit of luck I think this is achievable in in the time available, if I'm lucky my current employer will match a higher offer so I won't have to worry about learning a new company but it's unlikely.


Thanks for everyone's input. It's helped a lot just to write but can never motivate myself to write if I don't put it somewhere. Fingers crossed in a years time we'll all be in a better place.