Problems with a highly unlikeable widowed mother...

RAS

Starting point. Ames is absolutely right about this; you cannot make anything about what your mother does or your brother does happen. Took me a couple of decades to realise that I could NEVER make my mother happy.

Really crafty your mother; trapping both you and your brother into paying one third of the rent and on a one year contract. Bear in mind that if she does not leave at the end of the year, you would remain liable for the tenancy (your liability ends with vacant possession).

Time to talk to the landlord I think.

For a cheap future living option, have you considered acting as a property guardian? For a year of two it might be a viable option if it allows you to save up.

In the very short-term your brother is as well off financially with mother as on his own if he is on NMW. Just because the benefit support for under 25s is so low. Could you encourage him to think about taking on a second job in a social environment (pub, bar, restaurant) rather than working more hours at the same place? That might enable him to improve his social skills and perhaps meet some mates?

Are you planning any sort of holiday this year? If you want a budget version check out voluntary conservation activities (tend to be camping) stewarding at festivals or just wild camping. make sure that over the summer holidays you are away the middle two weeks and have somewhere to be at weekends?

pmlindyloo

If you stay your relationship with your mother and brother will only get worse.

Living with family means that you are part of the household and this can have a horrible affect if relationships are strained as they somehow think they can 'run your life' as you are living together.

Get out now. If they create a fuss then offer to continue to pay your share of the rent until the end of the tenancy agreement. You can google how to end a joint tenancy (check that this is a joint tenancy and you are not names as a permitted occupier)on the Shelter website or just pay your share and then end the tenancy at the end of the year. A pain but probably well worth it. Don't give them a lump sum - do it monthly - set up a standing order.

As for house sharing it doesn't need to be horrible. It can be great fun. My daughter has been doing it for years and has a wonderful social life and manages to save money. Do some sums and set up a regular
savings account. (Check out the new government initiative about saving for a deposit for first time buyers comes out in September I think)

You never know if you distance yourself from your family you may have more 'influence' than now.

Good luck!

InsideInsurance

Until I read your mothers age I thought I had found I had some siblings that I'd never known about.

She sounds very similar to my mother other than I dont actually believe my mother is unhappy with her lot. Yes she can put on the crocodile tears, and often does, because the world is so cruel to her etc but thats just part of her narcissistic personality and desire to be the centre of all attention at all times.

She only has 1 friend that lives closish who she sees every few weeks. All of her family have disowned her other than 2 or so (though she has sat by her sister in church every sunday for years now without saying a word to each other). Those that she is still in contact with see her every couple of weeks too though my mother says its once or twice a year.

My fathers family she disowned and lied to me as a teenager saying they wanted nothing to do with us. As an adult I remade contact with them and my dad's brother showed me all the letters and cards he'd sent her and I but she'd "return to sender" unopened.

What mental health issues do you think she has? With my mother its basically that she is just not a nice person rather than being ill. When my father was alive he was a partial counterbalance to her but after he died she was able to become a more extreme version of herself without anyone to stop her.

Really, you've decided as an adult to live with your mummy to save money. Its up to you to decide if the cost (emotional in this case) is worth the money saving.

I can sympathise much more with your concerns for your brother than your personal situation.

itsanne

gotoguy wrote: »

I'm now in a contract for renting till the end of the year Check that you really are

and if I move away from her it'll either be into a grotty house share with strangers so I can keep saving or my own rented flat which obviously costs considerably more and won't allow me to save any meaningful amount So you have two alternatives to living with her, one of which still allows you to save.


I'm 27 and in my lifetime I've only ever known her have 1 friend, an ex colleague, who she no longer has any contact with. I moved out to my own shared place after university because of issues with her. And need to move out again.



The issues are -


- She needs professional help to deal with a number of mental health problems but doesn't believe in mental health problems. There's probably nothing you can do about that, other than raising your concerns with her GP (who won't tell you anything but should listen).


- She needs to stop drinking 5 bottles of wine a week but won't. Not a thing you can do about that.


- She needs to learn basic social skills and make effort to find some friends If she's got to this stage without them, she's not going to change now.

instead of relying on manipulating myself and my brother into keeping her company. If you know she's manipulating you, don't go along with it.


- I Need to be able to take control and parent a parent! No, you don't.

Difficult with one that just refuses to listen to anyone but herself. It's not difficult in your situation, it's impossible.

- Need to keep her busy throughout the long school holidays as these 2 weeks of easter have been particularly bad and the thought of another 6 through the summer is soul destroying. I currently dread going home. No, you need to keep yourself busy - preferably well away from her.


- How can I live without the guilt and anxiety of seeing someone so unhappy without giving up everything in my life to please her the way my dad did. You're not your dad. Did your dad make her happy? It doesn't sound like it.

- I need to get her back at arms length, so I can do what I feel I should be doing to help, without the constant stress and anxiety it currently causes me. You need to move, but you also need to realise that you are not responsible for your mother. There are things which you simply cannot do unless she wants to change - and at present she doesn't. It might also actually be easier to help her when you can do so without having to be there all the time.

This means moving away from her but it's hard to completely write off the idea of buying a place, especially now it means these 2 hellish years will have been completely pointless. You don't have to write it off. A house share would allow you to save. House guarding, as suggested, would be even better. Are three hellish years really better than two?


- I need to make sure my brother develops self sufficiency so he doesn't waste his whole life. He's now 24, minimum wage and is going on his first week away this year. He's not your responsibility, but it's understandable that you are concerned for him. Possibly the best way of helping him would be to encourage him to move out once he is 25 and benefits make that a more viable proposition. (Moving in with you would not be a good idea.)

Unfortunately he has inherited her "shout loud and get what i want" mentality Probably all you can do about that is point it out and show him it's like your mother.

which hopefully someone in a pub will beat out of him at some point No, hopefully that won't happen. so I don't have to.

You're too involved in the situation to see that you really need to move out as soon as possible. Others on here have advised you how to check your legal position re the tenancy. Once you have done that you will be in a position to decide how to move forward (possibly with help from here).

enthusiasticsaver

I think the first thing you need to do is stop feeling guilty that your mother is unhappy and trying to fix her situation. From my experience, and I am the same age as your mum, people who have negative outlooks on life and thrive on controlling others will not change unless they want to change. From what you have said she seems to have manipulated a situation where you and your brother are locked into staying with her for financial reasons.


I think if I were you I would stick with the situation for the year you are locked into the contract and focus on saving as much money as possible to get your own place and away from the negative energy. Is a second job an option? This would help with the money saving and have the advantage of keeping you out of the house more? You mention school holidays, are you a teacher? If so there are always options of private tuition or helping out at festivals in the summer.


Your brother also needs to focus on making a life for himself outside of the home but it sounds as if he has his own issues. Again he is an adult so you can spend time with him and try giving advice but if he is a "chip off the old block" you may find that not going down very well. For your own sanity I suggest that you accept that you are not responsible for your mum and brother's happiness and offer support but with caveats.

RuthnJasper

So sorry to hear of your situation Gotoguy. It must be very distressing for you.

I can't offer anything better than the advice above, particularly the words about contacting Shelter for advice and support. Citizens Advice might be useful too - http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e.htm.

Basically I didn't want to read and run, but I did want to say that - I know it's hard, it's your family - please don't become so involved in sorting out their lives that you forget to live and enjoy your own.

Best wishes to you. x

RuthnJasper

gotoguy wrote: »

Unfortunately he has inherited her "shout loud and get what i want" mentality which hopefully someone in a pub will beat out of him at some point so I don't have to.

P.S. GTG, please don't even countenance giving your brother a good hiding, no matter how much you believe he "deserves it". You don't want to add an assault charge to your other problems.

Plus, isn't hoping for/doling out a beating just as bad as having a shouty, selfish personality? My brother annoys me sometimes, but I'd be devastated if anyone ever gave him a clout.

BigAunty

The age where single low income employees can get tax credits is 25 but they tend to be miniscule. A low income tenant can get help with rent at any age depending on their wage and the Local Housing Allowance. However the age limit to get the rate for a 1 bedroom self contained property rather than room in a shared house is now 35- used to be 25

RAS

I was thinking more that if he lost work, he would only get the under 25 JSA which is a pittance, probably have to fund some CT and find rent. Not good with a car loan as well.

Gigglepig

Your mum does not sound easy OP. But it sounds like you are perhaps using people as well - It sounds like you have a low opinion of her and are just using her to live cheaply so you can save up, and then intend to ditch her. If you do not respect her then walk away rather than use her for a cheap housing arrangement.