Mother has 'gone mad'

pendragon_arther

She has a personality disorder so just treat her as you would a mental health client.

Better_Days

Beenie wrote: »

My sisters estate was tiny - under £6000 in the post office. I recovered this and paid it to my mother, paper trail shows this clearly. There is another account, balance not known to me, that is frozen. Mother is next-of-kin so she will be the one to sort this out as my sister died without a will. I think my mother will need basic help/advice to access the cash but i am fearful of helping in any way as mother twists things at later stages. This has been typical throughout her life, so it's not me being paranoid. I just want to stop her making untrue, malicious and hurtful accusations. She doesn't accept the truth even when it's posted to her in black and white, and i think that the advice about contacting her GP is a good one to follow. She probably needs help (psychological) but doesn't realise it.

My mother has I believe Narcissitic Personality Disorder. I have learnt that I nor anyone else can stop her hurtful behaviour. She appears to have no doubt whatsoever about her view of the world and of her children.

Please OP, do not waste energy, at such a difficult time, trying to control her behaviour. You have the evidence that you have done nothing wrong. That is enough.

She has always needed a person to be the 'bogeyman' and whom she can heap insults and blame on - it's tough that I'm that person now.

You do not have to accept this. I have been in this position myself and if you let it it will exhaust you and undermine and taint happiness in your life. Hard as it may be I'd advise either no contact at all, or at the very least much reduced contact with clear bounderies. So if you decide on the latter option, as soon as your Mother is insulting and casts blame, just say that you are not prepared to accept being spoken to like that, and leave.

My mother seems to take pleasure in the upset and hurt she causes, it gives her the illusion of power. You can't reason or engage with someone who thinks like this. For your own emotional safety the reasonable response is to remove yourself from the situation.

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

Pollycat

What a really distressing situation for you, Beenie.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I guess you may have not gone through the full grieving process yourself as you had to do so many things (although when my Dad died I actually found it therapeutic to manage everything (my Mum & sister couldn't do anything) but I guess it depends what type of person you are).

Your mum's attitude could be part of the grieving process or to do with her mental health.

Either way, I do understand that you want her to acknowledge that she's wrong but I doubt that you will be able to convince her that you haven't taken the money if that's what she chooses to believe.

You know you haven't taken the money so if you can, I'd step back and leave her to it.

Beenie wrote: »

I suppose I wanted to know what what others would do in my situation so that I can keep a clear conscience when I inevitably break the ties. Thanks for listening.

I would do as you have done - try to get her to see the truth - but if she won't listen and still accuses you, I'd walk away.
Sadly, reluctantly - but walk away.

pollypenny

You have my sympathy, Beenie. The person who doesthe most often gets the flack. However, it does sound as if your mum has further problems.

Keep very clear paper records, so you can prove your integrity if needed. I suspect it won't ever come to that.

Btw: I still have a huge file on my father's affairs, kept because of my sister who did F all but moaned about what others did.

paddy's_mum

pollypenny wrote: »

The person who dies the most often

I suspect that this might be taking the concept of reincarnation a little too far...:D

fivetide

vulpix wrote: »

Who is your Mother making accusations to? And does it matter?

I think this is the best question.


Is she just ranting at you? Is it just spite or is she telling lots of people? From what you say, there aren't too many people to tell so while it is hurtful, can you just, to be honest, ignore it? Recognise it for the neediness it really is?

TBagpuss

fivetide wrote: »

I think this is the best question.


Is she just ranting at you? Is it just spite or is she telling lots of people? From what you say, there aren't too many people to tell so while it is hurtful, can you just, to be honest, ignore it? Recognise it for the neediness it really is?

I agree. If your mum has any professional support such as GP, Social Worker etc. then it may be worth while you writing a brief note very brief summarising the situation (facts only: that you are her daughter and closest relation, that she has made false allegations of financial misconduct against you, that you are choosing to to be in direct contact with her at present as a result of her behaviour but that you can be contacted should she become unable to manage her own affairs, and give your contact details)

You don't have to, but this might allow you to feel that you can break away from her and that those who may deal with her if her health (mental or physical) deteriorates can get hold of you if need be.

The only other thing I would say is that you cannot change how she behaves. You can only change how you react to her behaviour, and that may include distancing yourself from her to protect your own health and well-being. You might find it helps you to write a letter to her (which you don't send) setting out how you feel, including how her behaviour affects you. It can be quite cathartic.

I think the only time you need to tell anyone else what is happening is if she is making allegations to people, or in situations, where there is likely to be a direct impact on you - for instance, if she were to make the allegations to your employer, in which case it makes sense for you to sit down with them first and explain the situation.

missprice

Beenie wrote: »

I feel some sort of obligation as her daughter, mother's only blood relative.

She is toxic, no doubt about that, but that doesn't stop me being hurt and wanting her to stop her bad behaviour/attitude.

If she won't see reason, then I guess I'll have to walk away from the situation but it's very sad for both of us, sad and completely unnecessary.

I suppose I wanted to know what what others would do in my situation so that I can keep a clear conscience when I inevitably break the ties. Thanks for listening.

Your not obliged to be the whipping boy. There are people out there that will be paid for taking her carp. Let them do it.

You can want the behavior to stop all you like, but I suspect you already know that it won't. ( just by your phrasing and they way you wrote this)

I can tell you, she won't see reason and its the truth, why fret yourself to an early grave hoping and wishing for better.

What I would have done in your position is walk away in my teens. This is what I did and I have sad days when I wish I had a nice mother, but mine was just awful up to me being 15. I know she got no better with time or age. The rest of my days are blessedly peaceful, and its not often now that I even think of her.